


looking for literally any man to be my boyfriend i am really hot i promise

by Anonymous



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Depression, Former Rivals to Lovers, I'm hesitant to tag this as fake dating but it kind of is, Insecurity, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-17 04:48:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 55,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28968573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: r/lonelyrightnowPosted by u/imhotipromisethrowawaymy name is dave (24m) and i am looking for any dude to date me this is so stupid and im probably going to delete this but im so lonely and sad and i just want someone to look at me and tell me im cute ok like is that so much to ask
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 264
Kudos: 319
Collections: Anonymous





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is not supposed to be a real subreddit! It is obviously fake.

looking for literally any man to be my boyfriend i am really hot i promise

r/lonelyrightnow  
Posted by u/imhotipromisethrowaway 

my name is dave (24m) and i am looking for any dude to date me this is so stupid and im probably going to delete this but im so lonely and sad and i just want someone to look at me and tell me im cute ok like is that so much to ask 

im 5'8 and im pretty fit and ive got red eyes which is really cool and ill even send a trial selfie and like prove im a real person and shit i swear but im genuinely hot and i wont charge you or anything i just really want a boyfriend and i want them to tell me im doing ok and that im not like a waste and like maybe i can send nudes and you can say im hot

you may be like hey man whats the deal but honestly does it matter like lets face it

you just want to look at a hot guy whos really insecure and thats me im really insecure i might as well scream it from the rooftops and shit like hey this is dave i need someones approval as soon as possible or else ill curl up into a fetal position and never recover this is a cry for help an honest to god cry for help is anyone out there because i am and im so devoid of attention

its laughable how devoid i am

like right now im sitting here thinking back on my life and i just dont think im going to get anywhere if i dont do this like i want a stranger literally a random fucking dude to look at me and tell me im cute just cute i never get to be cute can i please have that

this has nothing to do with valentines day either dont ask me about that this was unrelated to valentines day happening the other day

literally just message me on pc its turntechGodhead im seriously so lonely oh my god this is the stupidest decision ive ever made someones going to find this and like call my dad or something and then hell literally drive like a week to get here to kick my ass for being a dumb bitch but really i will send you my nudes

please ask for my nudes i am so desperate please judge my naked vulnerable body

ok thanks ttyl


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, some things to note: first of all, thank you for the comments. Second of all, there will not be sex immediately, because I do not think that fits the situation yet. Third of all, there will be another update tomorrow (already written).
> 
> Thank you for the support.
> 
> Also: untagged emetophobia warning (for this chapter)

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: DAVE.  
TG: oh fuck what do you want  
TG: dont you have some girls to be terrorizing with your complicated feelings charts and backhanded compliments  
TG: or are you feeling threatened by my lack of interaction with other people in the servers  
TG: is that it did i nail it  
TG: youre like oh no daves not talking to anyone he must be up to something to demasculinize me in front of all the bitches  
CG: I SAW YOUR REDDIT POST.  
TG:  
TG: ok so  
TG: you can make fun of me all you want because its fine i dont care im good actually  
TG: like yeah haha its dave the guy who gave you shit for acting gay in middle school hes into boys now thats so funny lmao im fucking dying over here im laughing so hard ive puked my guts all over the floor  
CG: GROSS?? DUDE.  
TG: what do you want vantas  
CG: OK, THIS MAY BE A BIT… DON'T FREAK OUT. I AM BEING ONE HUNDRED PERCENT SINCERE AND NOT MAKING FUN OF YOU AT ALL, HERE.  
TG: uhuh and i believe that for sure  
CG: I AM ANSWERING YOUR AD.  
TG: youre right i am freaking out  
TG: literally why would you have no ill intentions like if i send you pics of me youre just going to send them to everyone we know and humiliate me im going to end up on some fetish site for revenge porn and amateur nudes  
CG: YOU'D END UP IN THAT ANYWAY, DUMBASS. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO SEE YOUR PICTURES. LITERALLY DO NOT SEND THEM.  
TG: yeah i dont think you really read my post i posted that so a man will specifically look at the pictures like are you listening hello vantas are you in there because it sounds like you missed the fucking point  
CG: YOU AREN'T MAKING ANY SENSE. YOU WANT QUOTE "ANY MAN" TO SEE YOUR NAKED PHOTOS AND JUDGE THEM, AND APPARENTLY PRAISE YOU A BUNCH AND BE YOUR BOYFRIEND? BUT I AM AN "ANY MAN" AND I AM APPLYING. I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SPREADING YOUR PHOTOS, AND TO PROVE IT YOU WON'T BE SENDING THEM.  
CG: BUT I WILL BE YOUR VIRTUAL BOYFRIEND. LIKE YOU REQUESTED.  
TG: why  
CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN *WHY*?  
TG: you cant be fucking serious bro you fucking hate me you dick we harassed each other all through middle school and now youre just like its cool ill be your bf uwu  
CG: BECAUSE I'M WORRIED!  
TG: worried????  
CG: YEAH, I'M FUCKING WORRIED! YOU WON'T TRUST ME, SOME GUY YOU'VE KNOWN FOR LIKE A DECADE BUT YOU'LL SEND NUDES AND HAVE SOME FAKE RELATIONSHIP WITH A RANDOM GUY ON REDDIT??? YOU'RE GOING TO BE MURDERED OR SOMETHING. AND YOU'LL DEFINITELY END UP ON A REVENGE PORN SITE. ABSOLUTELY. LOOK, I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT YOU IN YEARS.  
TG: same i kind of forgot you existed honestly  
CG: BUT I CAN'T LET YOU GET HURT OR WORSE.  
TG: you expect me to believe that you're doing this out of the goodness of your heart  
CG: FINE. HERE'S AN ADDENDUM: IF YOU END UP ON A REVENGE PORN SITE, TEREZI AND JADE AND JUNE AND ALL THE OTHERS WILL BE REALLY UPSET AND SCARED FOR YOU AND I DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT.  
TG: that does admittedly sound more likely  
CG: STRIDER, YOU SAID YOU'D DATE "ANY GUY." I AM "ANY GUY." LET'S DATE.  
TG: youve won my heart im swooning  
CG: REALLY??  
TG: what the fuck no of course not im really pissed off and frankly i hate you but you know what i dont care no ones answered and im kind of desperate at this point  
CG: OK.  
TG: wait what do you look like  
CG: UH. FUCK.  
CG: OK, I'LL HAVE TO HOLD OFF. I'M KIND OF UGLY.  
TG: ok a great sell obviously im definitely swooning for real now  
CG: FUCK OFF, AT LEAST I'M BEING HONEST. I'M JUST NOT THAT MUCH TO LOOK AT. I DON'T HAVE ANY SELFIES AND I DON'T LIKE LOOKING AT MYSELF.  
TG: describe yourself then  
CG: I'M FIVE FOOT THREE, I HAVE BLACK CURLY HAIR, MY SKINS LIKE A LIGHT BROWN? I HAVE RED EYES AND, UH, REALLY BAD DARK CIRCLES AND EYEBAGS. ALSO, I HAVE AN OVERBITE. AND I'M REALLY FAT.  
TG: like this  
turntechGodhead has sent an attachment  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??  
TG: you  
CG: THAT IS NOT ME, WHAT THE FUCK??? HOW ARE YOU STILL SUCH A SHITTY ARTIST??? DIDN'T YOU GO TO ART SCHOOL???  
TG: yeah it was sort of a waste of money  
CG: UGHHH. FORGET IT, WHAT DO YOU LOOK LIKE.  
TG: you know what i look like dude i used to send selfies all the time to the gc  
TG: by which i mean the group chat and not gallowscalibrator  
CG: YEAH, I KNOW. AND THAT WAS, LIKE, A BILLION YEARS AGO??? WE WERE LIKE FIFTEEN THE LAST I SAW A PICTURE OF YOU.  
TG: oh right  
TG: hold on a sec lemme find a good one  
CG: NO DON'T!!!  
TG: dude chill im fully clothed   
CG: OH, OK.  
turntechGodhead has sent an attachment  
CG: RIGHT.  
CG: DO YOU WANT ME TO UH. COMPLIMENT YOU? LIKE YOUR AD SAID?  
TG: no but go ahead anyway you sound like you could use the practice  
CG: YOUR HAIR IS REALLY PRETTY, AND YOU HAVE A HANDSOME JAWLINE.  
TG: thanks bitch  
TG: wait question  
TG: do you think im hot  
TG: like have you thought this entire time that im hot i think i used to joke that you were jealous or that you were gay and into me but karkat holy shit are you gay and into me and also possibly jealous  
CG: NO.  
CG: OK, WELL, I AM BI. AND YOU ARE HOT. BUT I AM NOT INTO YOU, AND I'M NOT JEALOUS. I USED TO BE JEALOUS OF YOU THOUGH.  
TG: right and now im a loser who posts desperate dating ads on reddit  
CG: I MEAN, I WASN'T GOING TO SAY ANYTHING. BUT YEAH, BASICALLY.  
TG: fuck  
CG: I'M SORRY, FOR WHAT THAT'S WORTH. WHICH IS PROBABLY JACK-SHIT, REALLY, WHAT WITH HOW MUCH I WAS ALWAYS HARASSING YOU. BUT I AM SORRY.  
TG: i dont care you should be apologizing to terezi  
CG: I DID. WE WORKED IT OUT.  
TG: oh good  
TG: she doesnt really talk about you much anymore  
CG: YEAH WE AREN'T. REALLY FRIENDS ANYMORE? WE TALK SOMETIMES, AND OBVIOUSLY WE'RE IN THE SERVER. BUT THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE FOR SO MANY YEARS, I GUESS.  
TG: oh  
TG: sorry  
CG: IT'S WHATEVER.  
CG: ANYWAY, WE HAVE TO SET SOME GROUND RULES.  
TG: what  
TG: what ground rules what are you talking about  
CG: IF I'M GOING TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND, REGARDLESS OF HOW STUPID AND ABSURD THE CIRCUMSTANCE, I NEED TO KNOW WHAT WE'RE BOTH COMFORTABLE WITH. SO FOR STARTERS, WHAT DO YOU WANT OUT OF YOUR BOYFRIEND? OR ME AS YOUR BOYFRIEND? SINCE IT'S NOT THE EXACT CIRCUMSTANCE YOU REQUESTED.  
TG: right  
TG: i feel fucking ridiculous do we actually have to do this  
CG: YES.  
TG: ok uh i want ugh fuck ok im going to tell you something very personal can i tell you something very personal  
CG: NO. I DON'T THINK WE'RE READY FOR THAT YET. WE NEED TO TAKE THINGS SLOW SO WE CAN DEVELOPE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP AND SO WE CAN BE SURE WE WON'T SAY ANYTHING REALLY FUCKING STUPID AND SPREAD IT TO ALL OUR FRIENDS AND RUIN OUR LIVES.  
TG: are you fucking serious   
CG: I AM SO FUCKING SERIOUS THE SERIOUS HAS GROWN IT'S OWN BODY. IT'S CARESSING MY FACE RIGHT NOW.  
TG: fuck thats really serious  
TG: christ ok i dont get how this is any different from personal info that can ruin my life but i guess i wanted to be called baby and like have someone be really attached to me and like supportive and tell me im doing ok and that im not a failure and preferably also be really cute but i dont want to have to be really on guard and like you know like in command or something  
CG: SO LIKE. YOU WANT TO BE A SUB? THAT'S IT?  
TG: no its not that at all i dont care about that  
TG: its like im expected to be this really hard guy you know but i want to be cute like i want someone to look at me in private and go wow dave youre cute and youre doing a good job and then pat me on the head like a cat or something oh my god this is absolutely compromising please do not tell our friends this  
CG: I'M NOT!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I EXPECTED THIS IS IN FACT EXTREMELY PERSONAL.  
TG: yes it is oh my god it is i dont know why im telling you this  
CG: ARE YOU OK?  
TG: i dont know  
TG: please dont make fun of me  
CG: I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE FUN OF YOU! I THINK… THAT THIS WASN'T THE BEST WAY TO GO ABOUT GETTING WHAT YOU WANT? AND I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WANT THAT FROM ME? I'M NOT A VERY LIKE. FUCK, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR. IT SOUNDS LIKE A DOM?? LIKE YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A DOM. A PARENTAL DOM??  
TG: augh fuck no fuck you  
CG: AN AUTHORITY FIGURE OF SOME KIND? SOMEONE YOU'RE SEEKING APPROVAL FROM. I'M NOT SOMEONE PEOPLE USUALLY SEEK APPROVAL FROM.  
TG: right  
CG: SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?  
TG: i dont know  
TG: this is kind of fast and im kinda freaked out  
CG: OH. YEAH, THAT MAKES SENSE. WE COULD TALK LATER?  
TG: its like i havent talked to you in years and last time we did talk its because i said im sorry for calling you slurs and shit and then i sent you like fifty bucks and you were like i deserve more and i felt bad so i sent you an extra twenty and then we were like were both asshole losers who are always being dicks lets never talk again and then you went dead in all the servers and occasionally would rise from your grave to go hey guys im karkat vantas suck my dick and everyones like hi karkat and then you go back into your weird hibernation  
TG: but now youre here being nice to me which is weird like do i even deserve you being nice to me like i treated you like shit have i mentioned that yet like the whole bullying you for being gay or i guess bi did i mention that yet  
TG: because i feel really bad about it even though you were an unimaginable asshole to me for having the audacity to exist near the girl you wanted to date despite that she wasnt really into you for like three fucking years but ive spent a good couple years ignoring that and now youre here and trying to date me and dude i do not know how i feel about that like do you even know how weird that is  
TG: like im torn between this guys going to call my dad and tell him im trying to gain approval from random men on reddit and maybe hes actually being nice and wants to help me but also im really hot and maybe youre taking advantage of me and here i am telling you all of this instead of a reasonable person who can give me advice and a fairly objective fucking opinion like rose  
TG: im just confused and a little freaked out and maybe scared and i dont know what to do or say like i know what you keep saying but im sure you have an ulterior motive like you have to find me hot and are just trying to get my nudes or something  
CG: HEY, SO, I'M GOING TO GO OUT ON A LIMB HERE AND SAY THAT THIS WOULD PROBABLY HAVE ENDED UP A MILLION TIMES WORSE IF YOU ACTUALLY WENT WITH CYBERSEXTING A COMPLETE STRANGER FROM REDDIT.  
TG: … yeah maybe  
CG: MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE A NAP? IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION, I THINK I'M BEING A BIT OF A WEIRD DUMBFUCK TOO, BUT I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET HURT. LIKE, I'M GENUINELY TRYING TO HELP.  
TG: right  
TG: thanks??? i think???  
CG: I MEAN. SURE.  
TG: yeah

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for untagged discussion of bodily functions, critique of gender essentialism and genital art, and description of murder and body disposal.
> 
> Edit: I forgot: there's another chapter tomorrow.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

TG: so i was at work today  
CG: OH, WHAT DO YOU DO?  
TG: im a cashier at a grocery store its really not important  
TG: but this guy came in and bought like the entire shelf of tissues  
TG: im like hey man thats the largest collection of tissues ive seen this week so whats up you got a cold or what you got the shavers man  
TG: hes like oh i make sculptures out of tissue  
CG: HE MAKES WHAT?  
TG: yeah thats what i said and hes like no really its like made up of fake snot like its a paste glue he dies green and yellow and gets this consistency and its super gross he showed me a pic but he uses that as a binding agent and makes this really elaborate sculptures  
TG: anyway hes an art student as if that wasnt obvious  
CG: IS THAT COMMON IN ART SCHOOL? ASSHOLES MAKING THE GROSSEST ART I'VE EVER HEARD OF?  
TG: oh definitely  
TG: if you go to art school you better like vags and brains and blood and vomit because it is everywhere  
TG: and i say vags because everyone expects dicks but its actually not usually dicks  
TG: its usually vags because everyones like theres so much romanticization of dicks but im different im going to romanticize vaginas because im a feminist and i associate women with vaginas like a transphobic jackass  
TG: but riddle me this dipshit have you ever seen anyone just paint a bunch of really elaborate dicks on a canvas because like no you havent because no one does that  
TG: vaginas are high art normally everyone associates them with flowers and sculpture and symbolism and then when people are like heres some phallic imagery its the grossest piece of shit  
TG: usually violent no one wants to actually romanticize it its like really gross and unsettling because its all about power and war  
TG: and thats another thing transphobic vagina feminism art is never about power its about romanticization and beauty like dont you think weve focused enough on beauty the past several centuries  
CG: WHEN I THINK OF DICK ART I THINK OF PORN. OR GRAFFITI ON THE SIDE OF DESKS. OR A MIDDLE SCHOOL NOTEBOOK.  
TG: yeah like because dicks are always funny like theyre just a funny shape  
TG: i think theyre definitely normalized like if i was like hey heres my clit thered be mass panic and people dropping dead in the street and starting fires but also like in art theyre definitely everywhere its sort of a lie everytime someones like hey im going to be the first person ever to depict a vagina as a symbol of feminine beauty like honestly fuck off  
TG: and you know all the professors are like yes feminism controversy and politics excellent and dont give a shit past that  
TG: this is why i dropped out of this shit like its all pointless  
CG: OH YOU DROPPED OUT??? THAT EXPLAINS A LOT I THOUGHT YOU JUST LEARNED NOTHING.  
TG: i mean i didnt learn anything  
TG: im a terrible artist and it isnt my fault its the fault of the bourgeois for sure  
CG: OH, DEFINITELY.  
TG: yeah exactly  
TG: anyway uh how are you  
CG: PRETTY GOOD. I'M GLAD YOU MESSAGED ME, I WAS GETTING WORRIED.  
TG: sorry i got freaked out  
CG: YEAH, NO, I TOTALLY GET THAT. I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T GOING TO TALK TO ME AGAIN, HONESTLY. WHICH WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE. IT REALLY WOULD HAVE. I MEAN, THIS IS YOUR FUCKING RODEO, YOU KNOW? IT'S UP TO YOU.  
TG: yeah thanks  
TG: i dont know i thought about it and i was like fuck i want to try something and you did offer and i havent gotten anyone else and youre right i wouldnt do well with a stranger either probably  
CG: YEAH YOU UH. REALLY HAD A TOUGH TIME. FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH I'VE SPENT THE PAST FEW DAYS FEELING LIKE I MADE A FOOL OF MYSELF AND SCARED THE FUCK OUT OF YOU.  
TG: well you did but i forgive you  
CG: THANKS.  
TG: so where do you work  
CG: UM. I DON'T.  
TG: oh ok sorry  
CG: IT'S FINE. THIS IS EMBARRASSING, BUT I MOSTLY WRITE FANFIC. I LIVE WITH MY DAD.  
TG: youre right thats embarrassing what do you write  
CG: HERE I'LL SEND YOU SOME.  
CG: http://www.ao3.info/raidonfurtyee_wrgh  
TG: thanks ill check it out later  
CG: I EXPECT A FULL REVIEW WITH CITATIONS.  
TG: you got it  
TG: is this like something you enjoy gay fanfic  
CG: I LIKE RELATIONSHIPS AND THE EXPLORATION OF FEELINGS.  
TG: yeah that tracks  
TG: so ive got a question  
CG: YES.  
TG: i told you what i want out of a guy but what do you want out of a guy  
TG: specifically me im a guy  
CG: OH, HELL.  
CG: I DON'T ACTUALLY EXPECT YOU TO DO ANYTHING FOR ME THOUGH. LET'S FACE IT, I JUMPED IN AND INSERTED MYSELF INTO A SITUATION I WASN'T WELCOME IN IN ORDER TO WHITE KNIGHT MYSELF FOR A GUY I BARELY KNOW AND HAD A RIVALRY WITH FOR A FEW YEARS. SO I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE I ACTUALLY DESERVE A GOOD BOYFRIEND OUT OF THIS.  
TG: yeah you probably dont  
TG: tell me anyway though i embarrassed myself its your turn  
CG: OK, SO MY IDEAL GUY IS LIKE. HE'S SIX FOOT ONE, DOES CARPENTRY, IS CLEAN SHAVEN, WEARS FLANNEL, BUT HE LOOKS GOOD IN A SUIT AND HAS REALLY NICELY STYLED HAIR.  
TG:  
CG: OH, AND HE DEFINITELY WEARS SWEATERS.  
TG: sweaters??  
CG: YEAH, WHEN IT'S COLD OUT HE WEARS SWEATERS. HE COMES IN FROM THE COLD AFTER WORK, SEES ME WRITING AFTER A LONG DAY AND IS LIKE "HEY, BABE, IT'S TIME TO STOP. COME ON, I'M GOING TO MAKE COCOA." AND THEN HE MAKES ME COCOA AND WE CUDDLE UP ON THE COUCH WHILE IT'S SNOWING, EAT SOME LEFTOVER CHINESE FOOD AND WATCH LEGALLY BLONDE AGAIN. HIS SWEATER IS WARM AND SOFT, AND HE SMELLS LIKE REALLY GOOD COLOGNE. WHEN THE MOVIE ENDS, WE PASSIONATELY MAKE OUT, AND THEN HAVE REALLY GOOD SEX AND GO TO SLEEP. THE NEXT MORNING, IT'S SATURDAY, AND HE MADE PANCAKES.  
TG: ok im done listening to this i feel like i need to bleach my eyeballs  
CG: WHY??? YOU FUCKING ASKED, ASSHOLE.  
TG: yeah but i wasnt expecting some sort of  
TG: what the fuck is this literally what did i just read  
TG: you want to fuck a department store catalogue model while roleplaying a target christmas commercial???  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK NO???  
CG: OH MY GOD THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANT TO TELL YOU. I KNEW YOU'D BE AN ASSHOLE ABOUT IT.  
TG: dude this is so bizarre like you dont even want a really hot guy you just want a guy who wears sweaters???  
CG: IN MY HEAD HES PLAYED BY CHRIS EVANS.  
TG: ok so you are thinking of a hot guy i guess  
TG: still thats so fucking domestic what the hell like he doesnt even take you to the caribbean or something exciting hes just like yeah i made you pancakes and you fucking cream yourself  
CG: YOU WANT A GUY TO CALL YOU CUTE. THAT'S YOUR MAIN PREROGATIVE.  
TG: hey now lets not point any fingers  
CG: THAT IS LITERALLY EXACTLY WHAT YOU FUCKING SAID.  
TG: hey look over there  
CG: WE'RE TALKING THROUGH TEXT, DICK.  
TG: ok maybe we both have shitty ideals that are unrealistic and sucky  
CG: MY IDEALS ARE PLENTY REALISTIC. EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE HE'D THINK I'M HOT.  
TG: no comment you wont send me a selfie  
CG: I TOLD YOU WHAT I LOOK LIKE.  
TG: that doesnt mean anything i mean you sounded fine if not a bit jaded and biased against yourself you probably look like a normal dude  
CG: NO, I'M HIDEOUS.  
TG: fine youre hideous im not playing that game i dont have time for that  
TG: so what do you want from me  
CG: OH, RIGHT. SHIT.  
TG: yeah shit  
TG: i am not wearing a fucking sweater fyi  
CG: THAT'S FINE, YOU'D PROBABLY LOOK WEIRD IN ONE ANYWAY.  
TG: hey fuck you i look great in sweaters  
CG: I GUESS… BE ATTENTIVE? AND DON'T LIE TO ME, I DON'T WANT ANY SUGAR COATING LIKE "OH YOU'RE NOT THAT UGLY" OR ANYTHING.  
TG: yeah i wasnt planning on that but really i dont have any problem with ugly people i should probably mention that and anyway im sure youre not actually ugly ugly is a myth made up to control the masses and sell things that arent cheetos while also selling them cheetos  
CG: YEAH, I KNOW. I REMEMBER YOUR CRUSHES. I'M JUST SAYING.  
TG: my crushes  
CG: YEAH, LIKE JUNE. I MEAN, THERE WERE OTHERS BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.  
TG: ok are you calling my best friend june ugly because june isnt ugly but also i didnt have a crush on june ive never crushed on june  
CG: NEVERMIND.  
TG: a lot of slander up in this bitch today  
CG: I SAID NEVERMIND, FUCK OFF.  
CG: BUT YEAH, DON'T WORRY TOO MUCH. THIS IS MORE FOR YOU, ANYWAY.  
TG: yeah i guess  
TG: whatre you doing tomorrow  
CG: NOTHING, I GUESS? DAD'S AT SOME COMMUNITY EVENT THING, SO I'M GOING TO BE ALONE PROBABLY. TWITTER, MAYBE. READ AM I THE ASSHOLE AGAIN.  
TG: do you want to watch a movie  
CG: LIKE A DATE???  
TG: were supposed to be dating remember thats what you told me you wanted to do because you feel scared ill be murdered and dismembered and shoved into a vat of acid and then buried in the woods and no one will find my body for years and then when they do theyll be confused because the police suck and then ill end up being talked about on some podcast for girls who watch too much netflix  
CG: YEAH I WAS WORRIED ABOUT THAT. STARTING TO THINK MAYBE I OVERREACTED.  
TG: starting to  
CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT TO WATCH?  
TG: legally blonde isnt too bad  
CG: I ACTUALLY SAW THAT FAIRLY RECENTLY, BUT I'M OPEN TO SOMETHING ELSE.  
TG: ok uh how about princess bride  
CG: OH, THAT'S GOOD! I LIKE PRINCESS BRIDE.  
TG: of course you do its literally the perfect movie  
CG: WELL, I WOULDN'T SAY IT'S THE *PERFECT* MOVIE.  
TG: you take that back right now  
CG: NO.  
TG: yes  
CG: NO.  
TG: yes  
CG: NO.  
TG: this is so embarrassing  
CG: YEAH, IT REALLY IS.  
TG: so ill message you tomorrow at like idk two hows that i have the day off  
CG: TWO PM?  
TG: why would  
TG: it be two am  
CG: I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE YOU HAVE A WEIRD SCHEDULE.  
TG: i do but thats fucking weird im not going to have a date at two am to watch princess bride with my middle school rival whos acting as my boyfriend oh my god this arangement is so fucked up  
CG: YEAH, IT REALLY IS.  
TG: hey if we use the screenshare that means you can use the webcam and i can see what you look like  
CG: MY WEBCAM IS BROKEN.  
TG: is that so  
CG: YES. IT BROKE. JUST YESTERDAY.  
TG: interesting how did it break  
CG: I THREW MY LAPTOP DOWN THE STAIRS.  
TG: why  
CG: … I DON'T KNOW. INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS?  
TG: i want to claim bullshit but i ate leaves the other day because i have low impulse control and my brain said itd be crunchy  
CG: WAS IT CRUNCHY, DAVE.  
TG: no  
TG: id never been more disappointed in my life  
CG: NO WEBCAM.  
TG: fine  
CG: AND NO WEBCAM FOR YOU EITHER.  
TG: ok ok  
TG: are we doing voice at least  
CG: SURE.  
TG: good i like to talk  
CG: I'M SHOCKED. MY JAW IS ON THE FLOOR. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, I'VE NEVER BEEN SO SURPRISED.  
TG: i hate you  
TG: have i mentioned that i think you suck and that i hate you  
CG: THANK YOU FOR BEING HONEST WITH ME, DAVE.  
TG: youre very welcome i know thats important to you baby  
CG: OH MY GOD, WAIT DID YOU SEE THIS.  
TG: see what dude i have no idea whats on your screen  
CG: FUCK, SHUT UP. HERE  
CG: http://www.red.dit/toasteronfire_exe  
TG: hahahaha oh my god  
TG: me  
TG: just jump right in there  
CG: I'M FUCKING SCREAMING.  
TG: yeah i bet you are  
CG: FUCK OFF.  
TG: nah  
TG: god thats so funny  
CG: THEY WEREN'T EXPECTING IT AT ALL, IT JUST COMES OUT OF NOWHERE.  
TG: its great i love it  
CG: AHAFSJSVSL YEAH.  
TG: anyway  
CG: YES.  
TG: see you at two  
CG: RIGHT. SEE YOU AT TWO. 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

CG: SO, I DID SOMETHING STUPID THE OTHER DAY. AND NOW I HAVE A DATE. AND NOW I'M KIND OF FREAKING OUT.  
CG: CAN I CALL YOU?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No beta for this one, so if it isn't funny then I apologise.
> 
> There will be another update tomorrow.
> 
> Edit: see, this is what happens when I don't use a beta. I've fixed QP's acronym.

\-- questionablePiercer [QP] has begun pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

QP: Dave?  
QP: Hello?

\-- questionablePiercer [QP] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

\-- questionablePiercer [QP] has begun pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

QP: See, I thought we were doing well, so I am very confused with whether or not I have done something wrong.  
QP: I have indeed concluded that these are the possible reasons for your lack of contact or "ghosting" as it may be called.  
QP: One: you have decided that it is actually a bad idea to gain approval from a random man on Reddit. If this is the case, then I commend you for gaining a bit of sense during this endeavor (though I am a bit disappointed in that I will no longer receive your selfies, and I shall never see your erotic photos. You are, in fact, a very attractive young man. I hope you do not mind me saying so.).  
QP: Two: someone else has come along to spark your interest. I noticed you did not delete your post, and thus some other man may have snatched you from my clutches (so to speak). This is also disappointing, of course, but I understand. A word of advice, however: if he sent you a selfie, he may be lying. Catfishes are everywhere, after all.  
QP: Three: you are in fact catfishing me, and actually are a YouTuber who is going to humiliate me later in some kind of prank video. I pray that this is not the case. If it is, then fuck you, you worthless bitch. How dare you. I am a respected member of local law enforcement, and I will have everyone know what you did. I will sue you for defamation of character.  
QP: If that is not the case, then good! I hope you are doing well. You seemed to be an intelligent and funny person, with a very interesting knack for art (though I do not understand it). If you ever decide to stop ghosting me, I shall be awaiting with open arms.  
QP: Best, Brian.

\-- questionablePiercer [QP] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has blocked questionablePiercer [QP] \--

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

TG: i think my roommate has a crush on me  
CG: JADE?  
TG: how did you know were roommates  
CG: … BECAUSE I KNOW BOTH OF YOU AND YOU'RE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT EACH OTHER IN THE GROUP CHAT? AND SHE'S TOLD ME PERSONALLY THAT YOU ARE ROOMMATES SEVERAL TIMES?  
TG: yeah  
TG: so yeah i think she has a crush on me  
CG: WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE OF THIS, DAVE.  
TG: its just that shes always asking me about my interests and like telling me im super cool and fun and asking for my opinions on stuff and like  
TG: its just super blatant at this point that she thinks im hot and wants my dick and im not sure how to go about turning her down  
CG: JUST CHECKING HERE, YOU ARE ACTUALLY COMPLETELY SERIOUS ABOUT THIS? YOU THINK SHE "WANTS YOUR DICK" BECAUSE SHE ASKS YOU ABOUT YOUR INTERESTS?  
TG: well i was phrasing it that way to be a damn comedian but yes i am serious  
CG: DO YOU ASK ABOUT HER INTERESTS?  
TG: yes of course  
CG: …  
TG: sometimes  
CG: SHE DOESN'T HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU.  
TG: look its not my fault that her interests are really weird and annoying  
TG: like who the fuck likes ducktales and not even the new and cooler version where launchpads a himbo i mean she likes the old kind where nothing happens and the ducks all sound the same  
TG: i dont want to know about that  
CG: WELL I DON'T EITHER BUT SOMETIMES BEING A GOOD FRIEND MEANS LETTING THEM TALK ABOUT WHATEVER THEY'RE INTERESTED IN? KIND OF LIKE HOW I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WHATEVER THE HELL A MIXTAPE IS BUT YOU WONT SHUT UP ABOUT IT.  
TG: ignoring the part where you definitely know what a mixtape is youre different youre dating me  
TG: which poses another problem: what if she doesnt take no for an answer she is super pushy and i may have to tell her im dating someone and then shell want to know who and then ill have to explain and then well both explode out of sheer embarrassment  
TG: or at least i will and i presume you will as well because you cant possibly be cool with anyone finding out about this  
CG: SHE'S NOT INTERESTED IN YOU, DAVE.  
TG: i think she is though  
CG: SHE'S NOT. SHE ACTS THE SAME WAY WITH ME. AND ROSE. AND KANAYA. AND JUNE. AND EVEN VRISKA.  
TG: fuckin vriska  
CG: FUCKING VRISKA.  
TG: what do you think of vriska  
CG: AN ODD TOPIC CHANGE.  
CG: WHAT DO *YOU* THINK OF VRISKA.  
TG: i dont know ive always sorta been on the fence like i dont have a problem with her in theory but ngl dude it does hurt to realize your gf only likes you because shes trying to chill out over her weird vriska fever she has goin on  
CG: MM. YEAH, SHE'S JUST KIND OF… SHE REALLY DOES END UP THE CENTER OF ATTENTION, DOESN'T SHE? EVEN NOW.  
TG: even now  
CG: I DON'T KNOW, I THINK I LIKE HER??? SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN ANNOYING BUT SO HAVE ALL OF MY FRIENDS.  
TG: yeah i hear that your friends are annoying  
CG: BUT NOT YOURS.  
TG: my friends are saints  
CG: EXCEPT FOR THEIR LOVE OF OLD DUCKTALES CARTOONS.  
TG: exactly  
CG: VRISKA USED TO CALL ME A GIRL.  
TG: oh well thats interesting and uh a thing  
CG: YES. YES IT WAS.  
TG: is this like an offensive thing im not sure how im supposed to read that like do you have a tone indicator kat or  
CG: SO, ANYWAY.  
TG: uhhhhhhh yeah anyway  
CG: YEAH THERE'S ALWAYS A DISTINCT RIVALRY THING, YOU KNOW. LIKE, FOR TEREZI'S AFFECTION. EXCEPT IT WAS ENTIRELY ONE SIDED BECAUSE TEREZI DIDN'T CARE ABOUT DATING ME SO VRISKA DIDN'T CARE ABOUT ME PAST BEING KIND OF OBNOXIOUS.  
TG: yeah same except i am vriska in this situation  
TG: which is not a sentence i normally get to say  
CG: YEAH, HA.  
TG: hey is it just me or are most of our friends girls actually  
CG: ALL THE BOYS I KNOW ARE WEIRD FREAKS. EXCEPT SOLLUX. SOLLUX IS COOL.  
TG: i used to hang out with equius  
CG: I'M SORRY.  
TG: yeah that was really uncomfortable i thought for a while he was just being ironic but i think he actually is just that weird and like actually really fucking sincere about it  
CG: I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER MET ANYONE MORE SINCERE IN BEING A WEIRD FREAK THAN EQUIUS.  
TG: exactly  
CG: IS IT REALLY BAD TO ALWAYS HANG OUT WITH GIRLS, THOUGH? LIKE, I HUNG OUT WITH GIRLS AND I'M FINE.  
CG: DAVE?  
CG: HELLO?  
CG: OH MY GOD, YOU ASS. GET BACK HERE.  
CG: "IS IT REALLY BAD TO ALWAYS HANG OUT WITH GIRLS, THOUGH," I ASK KNOWING FULL WELL I AM TALKING TO THE GUY WHO TOLD ME WHEN WE WERE FIFTEEN THAT HIS ONE GAY KISS MEANT NOTHING BECAUSE IT WAS AN EXPERIMENT BETWEEN TWO BROS AND IT'S ONLY GAY IF THERE'S TONGUE.  
CG: UNPROMPTED, I MIGHT ADD. I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS INFORMATION, YOU PROVIDED IT OUT OF THE BLUE FOR NO APPARENT REASON. WHO DID YOU EVEN KISS, ANYWAY???  
CG: WHY MUST WE ALWAYS END UP TALKING TO EACH OTHER, STRIDER? IN SOME SICK TWISTED FANTASY OF THE UNIVERSES FORCES, WE CONTINUOUSLY CONTACT ONE ANOTHER TO MAKE INSANE AND POINTLESS STATEMENTS THAT EVENTUALLY LEAD TO US AT AN UNCOMFORTABLE STALEMATE. AND NOW, SOMEHOW, WE ARE ATTEMPTING A "RELATIONSHIP." TRULY A CRUEL FUCKING JOKE.  
TG: jade is fucking my sister

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

CG: WHAT?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for mentions of pedophilia, predators, drama YouTubers, online harassment, depression, and possibly disordered eating.
> 
> Next update is tomorrow.

CG: SO THAT'S WHY WE'RE NOT ALLOWED AT FARMER'S MARKET ANYMORE.  
TG: your dad sounds annoying  
CG: HE'S ACTUALLY THE WORST.  
CG: WHEN I WAS A SMALL CHILD, JUST A LITTLE BOY  
TG: a teeny tiny kid  
TG: itty bitty boy  
CG: HE TOOK ME TO AN EVENT AT HIS UNIVERSITY. THEY WERE LIKE OH HOW CUTE, YOUR CHILD'S ADORABLE. AND HE FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT AND TOLD THEM THEY WERE ALL TOO JUDGEMENTAL AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE MY WORTH TESTED BASED ON MY LOOKS.  
TG: and then you proceeded to disregard that for the rest of your life  
CG: WELL YEAH, OF COURSE I DID. HE'S A DUMB BASTARD WHO HAS NO IDEA WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.  
TG: yeah  
TG: did you see michael horace joness stream  
CG: THE WAY YOU WRITE THE PLURALITY OF WORDS THAT END IN S IS EMBARRASSING.  
TG: so did you  
CG: NO. I DON'T REALLY LIKE WATCHING DRAMA YOUTUBERS, THEY GIVE ME ANXIETY.  
CG: EVERY VIDEO IS LIKE "IS THIS MAN A PREDATOR?" AND THEN THEY GIVE ALL THESE REALLY HORRIFYING AND SCARY EXAMPLES OF SOMEONE BEING A PREDATOR, AND THEN THEY'RE LIKE THEY'RE A SHIT BASTARD HUMAN AND I HOPE THEY DIE. AND I'M LIKE OH MY GOD, THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.  
CG: THERE'S PREDATORS EVERYWHERE, DAVE! AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK SOME CREEP GETS A CALLOUT. IT'S SO FUCKED UP.  
TG: wait so are you saying its fucked up that theres pedos everywhere or is it fucked up that theres callouts being made about the pedos  
CG: THE FIRST ONE. IT'S GOOD THAT THERE'S PEOPLE EXPOSING THEM.  
TG: agreed  
CG: BUT IT'S SO SENSATIONALIZED! LIKE, EVERY SINGLE CHANNEL JUMPS AT THE CHANCE TO TALK ABOUT WHOEVER THE PEDO OF THE WEEK IS, AND IT FREAKS ME OUT. LIKE, DO YOU ACTUALLY CARE, OR ARE YOU TRYING TO GET THAT GOLD PLATED YOUTUBE LOGO??  
CG: I DON'T KNOW. IT'S SO PESSIMISTIC, YOU KNOW? EVERY TIME I WATCH A THREE HOUR EXPOSÉ ON SOME SHITBAG LETSPLAY GAMER WHO ASKS TWELVE YEAR OLDS FOR NUDES IM LIKE OH MY GOD WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TO. WHAT'S THE POINT, WHEN THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WE MAKE FAMOUS AND GIVE EASY EXPLOITATION ACCESS TO.  
TG: idk at least kids are becoming more educated   
CG: ARE THEY? I GUESS.  
CG: I JUST WANT TO WATCH SOME LONGFORM CONTENT THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I NEED TO LOCK MYSELF IN MY HOUSE AND NEVER HAVE CHILDREN FOR FEAR THAT THEY'LL EVENTUALLY RUN INTO SOME TIKTOK INFLUENCER WHO TELLS THEM IT'S A CHALLENGE TO POST FEET PICS.  
TG: so watch the fucking garfield guy or something jesus dude  
TG: could you fucking lighten up a little vantas  
TG: like actually lets change the subject did you see the michael horace jones video the new one that came out today  
CG: NO. IS IT ABOUT A SEXUAL PREDATOR.  
TG: …  
TG: yeah it is  
CG: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!  
TG: wait hold on  
CG: WHAT?  
TG: sorry something just came up hold on

\-- ballisticCartographer [BC] has begun pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

BC: hey, i read your ad, id like to apply,  
TG: sorry i actually already got an answer i just forgot to delete the ad  
BC: whatever, youre an ugly slutty fuck bitch who will never amount to anything or get anyone to love them, fuck you,

\-- ballisticCartographer [BC] has blocked turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: ?  
CG: EVERYTHING OK?  
TG: yeah sorry it was just jade she wanted to know if id seen the plunger you know the thing that goes in the toilets to get it to work  
CG: OH, OK. GROSS.  
TG: yeah really gross  
TG: you want to watch something or wait we should play something  
CG: PLAY SOMETHING?  
TG: yeah you have access to games and shit right like come on  
TG: minecraft do you play minecraft  
CG: MINECRAFTS INCREDIBLY STUPID. LIKE, WHO EVEN LIKES MINECRAFT? HERE'S A HINT: NINE YEAR OLDS.  
TG: ok be a hater then damn  
CG: HATING IS MY FAVORITE HOBBY.  
TG: i bet that's on a coffee cup somewhere next to im fluent in sarcasm  
CG: WELL, I AM FLUENT IN SARCASM.  
TG: oh im sure youre excellent at sarcasm baby  
CG: YOU FUCKING BET YOUR ASS I'M EXCELLENT AT IT.  
TG: ok wait how about uh fuck whats it called  
TG: dont starve together we could play that  
CG: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS.  
TG: its like a kinda gothic looking game where you try to avoid dying in the wilderness with your friends and i think satan is there  
CG: THAT SOUNDS NERVE WRACKING. NO.  
TG: … animal crossing  
CG: OH I HAVE ANIMAL CROSSING.  
TG: good well play animal crossing  
CG: YAY!! MY CHARACTER IS REALLY BADASS.  
TG: yeah sure  
CG: WAIT, ARE WE DOING THAT NOW?  
TG: yeah  
TG: wait why what are you doing  
CG: UH, NOTHING.  
TG: kaaarkaaat what are you doooing  
CG: NOTHING!  
TG: are you masturbating  
CG: NO!!!  
TG: come on dude whatre you doing  
CG: IT'S SERIOUSLY NOT IMPORTANT, YOU'RE JUST THINKING IT IS BECAUSE YOU'RE BORED AND OVERTHINKING THINGS.  
TG: hmm sure  
CG: ALSO, I THINK I HAVE TO GO.  
TG: wait what why  
TG: did i do something  
CG: NO, I JUST HAVE SOMETHING I HAVE TO DO. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.  
TG: oh ok sure i just thought we were going to do something together today  
CG: LOOK, I'LL HIT YOU UP LATER. IT'S JUST I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW, AND I FORGOT I HAD TO DO THIS.  
TG: ok

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--

CG: HELP, I NEED MOTIVATION.  
GA: Whats Wrong  
CG: OH GOD, SO THIS GUY ASKED ME TO PLAY ANIMAL CROSSING WITH HIM. BUT THEN I LOOKED UP AND REALIZED ITS LIKE EVENING AND I HAVEN'T EATEN OR SHOWERED AND EVERYTHING IS A MESS AND OH FUCK KANAYA THE DISHES WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT THE DISHES!!!!  
GA: Maybe You Should Take A Shower First And Worry About Dishes Later  
CG: BUT MY DAD IS GOING TO COME HOME AND SEE ALL OF THIS. KANAYA I'M MESS.  
GA: I Know  
GA: But Its Ok To Be A Mess I Promise  
CG: NO IT'S NOT!!  
CG: FUCK, I WOKE UP SO LATE TOO.  
GA: Karkat Do You Want Motivation Or Do You Want To Vent  
CG: MOTIVATION. SORRY.  
GA: Youre Doing Fine You Just Made A Mistake Waking Up Late Today  
GA: But I Have Good News Karkat And That News Is That Everyday Is A New Fresh Start  
CG: THAT IS SUCH BULLSHIT.  
GA: If You Dislike My Advice You Can Leave Your Messages Unread  
CG: FINE.  
GA: What Guy Were You Talking To  
CG: SOLLUX.  
GA: If It Was Sollux You Would Have Said  
GA: You Arent Talking To Gamzee Again Are You  
CG: FUCK NO, SHUT UP.  
GA: So Who Are You Meeting In Animal Crossing With Then  
CG: IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, YOU NOSY BITCH.  
GA: Your Business Is My Business If Only Because You Always Make It My Business  
CG: WHATEVER.  
GA: You Should Take Your Shower  
GA: When Youre Done I Could Call And Walk You Through Finding Something To Eat  
CG: I'D REALLY APPRECIATE THAT. THANK YOU.  
GA: Of Course  
CG: I'LL BE BACK IN FIFTEEN, IS THAT OK?  
GA: Yes  
CG: COOL.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

TG: hey so i hate that i have to tell you this but like i have work tomorrow like all day and then same the next few days and thats gonna make it really hard to do stuff so thats why i was really hoping wed call or play games or something today  
TG: and obviously you have your own life and i understand that but id really like some transparency instead of just disappearing like that out of the blue like are you even ok  
TG: and ive decided to tell you this for the sake of transparency as well because i think youd appreciate it instead of me being silently mad for a while  
TG: so just so you know like im feeling dejected and sad and id like to know if youre ok and if we could schedule things for later is that cool

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: HEY.  
TG: hi  
CG: I'M REALLY SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN TO FREAK YOU OUT, BUT IN RETROSPECT I GUESS IT MAKES SENSE YOU'D FEEL DEJECTED.  
TG: yeah and i feel really terrible about that like i feel like a moron for actually sending that but also like you know  
TG: honesty  
CG: I APPRECIATE IT. SORRY FOR JUST DROPPING YOU WITH NO INFO. I'M NOT SURE I CAN EXPLAIN YET, IT WAS SORT OF PERSONAL.  
TG: did i do something wrong  
CG: NO. I PROMISE. AND I WOULD TELL YOU IF YOU DID!  
TG: yeah ok i do believe that  
TG: youd tell me if i was a fuckup for sure  
CG: RIGHT! SEE? EXACTLY.  
CG: SO, YOU WORK TOMORROW?  
TG: yeah  
CG: WHEN'S YOUR NEXT DAY OFF?  
TG: like monday  
CG: OH, YIKES.  
TG: yeah  
CG: WHAT TIME DO YOU WORK?  
TG: uhhhh i have to be there by six thirty tomorrow  
CG: JESUS CHRIST.  
TG: i know  
CG: SHIT… IT'S TOO LATE TO CALL, ISN'T IT.  
TG: yeah a little  
TG: i wouldnt mind though  
CG: NO, YOUR SLEEP IS MORE IMPORTANT.  
TG: if we don't call well just argue about whether or not we should call and then ill stay up anyway  
CG: UGH.  
CG: OK, WE CAN CALL BUT IT'LL BE REALLY QUICK, YOU HAVE TO SLEEP SOON.  
TG: ok mom  
CG: YOU SAID YOU DON'T WANT A PARENTAL DOM.  
TG: augh fuck  
TG: it was a fucking joke you sick fuck jesus  
CG: HAHAHA.  
TG: you always type out hahaha instead of just saying lol or lmao what is wrong with you  
CG: I'M ROFLING RIGHT NOW, DAVE.  
TG: fuck off

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun a call with turntechGodhead [TG] \--

KARKAT: HEY.  
DAVE: hi  
DAVE: were you doing ok like besides the personal thing  
KARKAT: UM, NO. NOT REALLY.  
DAVE: you wanna talk about it  
KARKAT: NO.  
DAVE: ok  
KARKAT: PERSONAL INFO, REMEMBER.  
DAVE: yeah but were gonna get past that eventually right like were supposedly going to trust each other  
KARKAT: YOU TRUST ME A BIT TOO MUCH ALREADY, IF I'M HONEST.  
DAVE: no fair kat im fragile i need attention or else ill like turn into a gooey mass of confusion and sadness  
KARKAT: AND I'M NOT???  
DAVE: yeah youre definitely fragile  
DAVE: i bet if i hugged you youd break into a thousand pieces and then id be charged with murder  
KARKAT: WHY WOULD YOU HUG ME?  
DAVE: i cant hug my bf  
KARKAT: UGH.  
DAVE: what do you mean ugh bitch ill kill you  
KARKAT: YOU REALLY DON'T THINK IT'S WEIRD? JOKING ABOUT HUGGING ME?  
DAVE: … do you think its weird  
KARKAT: YES.  
DAVE: it is weird but see youre the one who suggested dating me so bro you gotta commit ok like im saying hugging not fucking like this is some pg bullshit the kind even disney would maybe slip in  
DAVE: so yeah its weird but this is a weird situation and if youre uncomfortable you gotta let me know but also like what are you expecting karkat  
KARKAT: GOOD QUESTION. DO YOU WANT TO HUG ME?  
DAVE: …  
DAVE: i dont know  
DAVE: i guess i dont know you too well yet but im not  
DAVE: adverse?  
KARKAT: REALLY??  
DAVE: well you like dropped shit to call me because im lonely so like  
DAVE: i dont know  
DAVE: i uh i should go to bed  
KARKAT: YEAH, YOU SHOULD.  
DAVE: night  
KARKAT: NIGHT.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has ended a call with carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: HEY.  
TG: hi what are you doing up  
CG: I'M AN HOUR AHEAD OF YOU, REMEMBER.  
TG: yeah but its still like five over there thats super fucking early  
CG: UGH. I'M OBVIOUSLY UP TO WISH YOU GOOD MORNING AND GOOD LUCK AT WORK TODAY.  
TG: oh fuck  
TG: uh wow ok thank you  
CG: YEAH. SO, GOOD LUCK. AND GOOD MORNING.  
TG: good morning karkat  
TG: now go to sleep oh my god  
CG: OKAAAAAAAY.  
TG: lmaooo  
CG: NIGHT.  
TG: night

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updating a little early today, because I'm busy this afternoon.
> 
> Warnings for depression, and mention of possibly disordered eating.
> 
> Thank you for the comments so far, sorry for not responding to all of them, they really make my day. I'll see you all tomorrow, hope your day/night goes well.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

turntechGodhead has sent an attachment  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??  
TG: i saw it on tiktok  
CG: YOU HAVE A TIKTOK???  
TG: you should follow my tiktoooook  
CG: I DON'T HAVE AN ACCOUNT.  
TG: you suck who doesnt follow their bf on social media  
CG: DO YOU SAY "BF" BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LESS THREATENING TO YOU THAN "BOYFRIEND?"  
TG: anyway this is a maid outfit obviously so tell me bro what do you think whats the deetz dude  
CG: I DON'T KNOW, YOU'RE CERTAINLY WEARING A MAID OUTFIT.  
TG: … yeah so how do i look  
CG: FINE.  
TG: fine  
CG: WHAT, WERE YOU EXPECTING SOMETHING ELSE?  
TG: yes??  
CG:  
CG: OH RIGHT!  
CG: YOU LOOK REALLY CUTE. (SORRY, I JUST WOKE UP!)  
TG: you just woke up dude its like six pm there  
CG: UGH, WHATEVER. SO I SLEPT IN.  
TG: you sound so insincere too like oh ok i look cute now that i tell you to call me cute  
TG: you really arent holding up your end of the arangement vantas ngl like its been weeks and i keep having to prompt you  
turntechGodhead has sent an attachment  
TG: and i keep giving you all this fucking eyecandy like fuck dude give me something here what do you want me to get on my knees and beg for some crumbs of recognition  
CG: HEY, IT'S A LITTLE HARD TO PAT THE HEAD OF A GUY WHO LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE, OK? AND ANYWAY, I'M NOT USED TO THIS BULLSHIT! YOU TRY COMPLIMENTING SOMEONE FOR ONCE, IT'S HARD!  
TG: ok you have a nice voice  
CG: NICE TRY.  
TG: its kinda rough and sexy  
CG:  
CG: NICE TRY.  
TG: im not joking  
CG: YEAH RIGHT! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE!  
TG: that doesnt matter im complimenting your voice wtf  
TG: dude how insecure are you like i thought i was bad  
CG: FUCK OFF.  
TG: karkat i am being completely sincere when i say you have a hot voice  
TG: you could do voice acting or something idk  
CG: "IDK." VERY INSPIRING.  
TG: hey im trying and thats more than you are  
TG: hey i have an idea  
CG: HM.  
TG: what would make me cuter to you  
CG: THAT- WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?  
TG: i mean is there something i could put on or maybe camera angles or something that could make me look cuter and youd find it easier to compliment me  
CG: THAT SOUNDS  
CG: LIKE YOU'RE GETTING INTO WEIRD KINK TERRITORY.  
TG: i mean yeah basically does that bother you  
CG: YES.  
TG: ok thats fine  
CG: IT'S JUST THAT. THAT SEEMS LIKE A REALLY BAD IDEA? THAT SEEMS REALLY QUICK. REALLY FAST.  
TG: karkat im beginning to have some doubts about things  
CG: YEAH, I CAN TELL. I DON'T BLAME YOU, IT'S OK. I CAN FUCK OFF IF YOU WANT AND YOU CAN FIND SOMEONE ELSE. BUT SAFELY!!! NOT RANDOM REDDIT GUYS!!!  
TG: do you actually want to be doing this  
CG: WELL. YEAH? I WANT YOU TO BE SAFE.  
TG: oh my god vantas  
TG: do you think im hot  
CG: UH.  
TG: its a yes or no question come on man be honest  
CG: YES?  
TG: little more concrete here  
CG: YES. I THINK YOU'RE HOT.  
TG: and are you attracted to me  
CG: THAT'S PERSONAL!  
TG: im not making fun of you dude i promise are you attracted to me  
CG: … YES.  
TG: ok boom there you go you think im hot and heres a cool fact i want you to think im hot and i want you to direct me and comfort me and shit because thats what you told me you were going to do now obviously its time to pull a karkat and reassess what were doing here  
TG: whats the boundaries here kat like is it a no on sex stuff you got uncomfortable when i suggested hugging you is physical contact out of bounds here  
TG: another important one: you keep saying were going too fast but whats the speed here bro like you havent called me any cutesy names or anything and its like pulling teeth to admit im anything other than repulsive so at what date is acting like were actually boyfriends coming into play  
CG: YOU SEEM. SERIOUS.  
TG: vantas i posted an ad that ultimately humiliates me but also was a legitimate advertisement to get a boyfriend no matter how sad and pathetic the relationship was  
TG: i outlined exactly what i wanted and now were here and i need to have what you want better outlined besides sweaters  
CG: OK, GIVE ME A MINUTE.  
TG: …

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TG: oh you got to be fucking kidding me

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] is an idle chum! --

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: HEY, I THOUGHT ABOUT THINGS.  
TG: good for you  
CG: OH, YOU RESPONDED.  
TG: yeah i did but im mad what the fuck are you doing bro  
CG: YOU'RE COMPLETELY RIGHT, AND I KNOW IT. I NEED TO BE MORE UP FRONT WITH WHAT I'M COMFORTABLE WITH, AND WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME. I THINK.  
TG: ok  
CG: SO, FOR STARTERS, I HAVE DEPRESSION.  
TG: oh  
TG: yeah that makes sense  
TG: same though like mood  
CG: YEAH. IT'S REALLY BAD. I KEEP WAKING UP REALLY LATE, AND MY EXECUTIVE FUNCTION IS BASICALLY FUCKED SO I KEEP… NOT DOING THINGS.  
TG: are you eating  
CG: SOMETIMES. WHEN I REMEMBER TO. KANAYA HELPS.  
TG: wheres your dad  
CG: HE'S BUSY, AND HE SORT OF JUST LEAVES ME ALONE. I GET REALLY MAD AT HIM WHEN HE TRIES TO HELP. HE'S NOT ACTUALLY HELPFUL.  
TG: yeah i can believe that  
TG: ok that does help give a little bit of context  
CG: ALSO, I KEEP THINKING YOU HATE ME.  
TG: i dont hate you  
CG: YEAH, I KNOW YOU PROBABLY DON'T. YOU WOULDN'T HAVE AGREED TO DATE ME, PROBABLY.  
TG: exactly like obviously i dont hate you actually i really like you and i think youre really funny and kind of a good dude  
TG: and ok i have a confession  
CG: OK.  
TG: i didnt hate you towards the end of… what we used to do i guess  
TG: its more like i was just trying to match your energy because you were trying to hard to fight me and shit thats why i stopped going after you as much too  
TG: i still feel like shit about being a dick to you at all like even with your attitude what i did was super unwarrented and im still really sorry for all of that  
CG: IT'S OK. I KNOW YOU HAD ISSUES.  
TG: yeah i did  
TG: but thats not really an excuse and you can say its ok but its not  
CG: OH.  
CG: I GUESS… I ALREADY APOLOGIZED, DIDN'T I.  
TG: yeah and even if you didnt i know youre fine like youve gone well beyond what a guy who wasnt sorry would do unless you still plan to betray me and send my maid pics to june  
CG: WOULD THAT EVEN BE A PROBLEM? JUNE WOULD THINK YOU'RE JOKING. I'D IMAGINE IT'D BE WORSE TO SEND TO ROSE, OR MAYBE VRISKA. TEREZI.  
TG: holy shit do not do that  
CG: IT'S JUST SPECULATION!! OBVIOUSLY I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!  
TG: good those are pics for you and for you only  
CG: THIS IS WHY I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU SENDING NUDES. THEY COULD GO ANYWHERE.  
TG: yeah about that  
CG: OH, RIGHT.  
CG: UM, SO. YOU'RE REALLY HOT.  
TG: yes i know  
CG: AND I AM DATING YOU. LIKE, FOR REAL, I GUESS.  
TG: yes  
CG: UMMM. OK, I DON'T WANT TO DO ANY SEX STUFF YET. AT LEAST- DO YOU WANT TO DO SEX STUFF???  
TG: yes i do  
CG: OK, SO THAT'S ESTABLISHED. I DON'T WANT TO DO SEX STUFF *YET* AT THE VERY LEAST. IS THAT OK?  
TG: what do you mean is that ok do you think im just going to make you talk dirty to me  
CG: I DON'T KNOW.  
TG: ok well i am not going to do that jesus have i really been fucking it up that bad  
CG: NOT REALLY… I'M NOT SURE WHAT YOU'VE BEEN INTENDING. YOU SENT ME A MAID OUTFIT PIC.  
TG: thats not a sex thing thats a cute thing like thats just me trying to get you to call me cute im literally fully clothed  
CG: IS BEING CALLED CUTE A SEX THING, THOUGH.  
TG: no but i wouldnt mind that during sex ngl  
CG: OH. HM.  
TG: its just that you dont even call me pet names or act like you even like me  
CG: RIGHT AND THAT'S OBVIOUSLY DETRIMENTAL. AGAIN: IF YOU WANT, YOU CAN DUMP ME. FIND SOMEONE ELSE.  
TG: again i want it to be you  
TG: but also same to you you can dump me anytime  
CG: RIGHT.  
TG: do you want to  
CG: NO.  
TG: right same here  
CG: YES, I GATHERED.  
TG: ok  
CG: OK.  
TG: im going to call you  
CG: OK.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has begun a call with carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

KARKAT: OH.  
DAVE: is this ok sorry i should have asked  
KARKAT: NO, IT'S FINE. I'M STILL NOT TURNING ON MY WEBCAM.  
DAVE: no problem i wont push you  
KARKAT: YOU REALLY DO LOOK CUTE, THE LACE FITS YOU WELL.  
KARKAT: …  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD?  
DAVE: shut up omf  
KARKAT: HAHA, YOU'RE SO RED.  
DAVE: shut uuuuup  
KARKAT: NOW *THAT* IS CUTE.  
DAVE: mm  
KARKAT: WHERE ARE YOU? IS THAT YOUR BED?  
DAVE: ye this is my room id give you a tour but i dont want to bother rn im tired  
KARKAT: THAT'S COOL, WE CAN DO ONE LATER. HOW WAS WORK?  
DAVE: fine you know i got off early but there was this guy who kept knocking shit over today it was kind of funny and sad  
KARKAT: I'M THE GUY.  
DAVE: haha  
DAVE: um have you eaten  
KARKAT: YEAH, I DID. I HAD A SANDWICH, AND MY DAD MADE SOUP.  
DAVE: nice  
DAVE: you know if you need reminders and stuff i can help with that and we should call more if that can help too  
DAVE: like im thinking that could help you with socialization because socialization can help with depression  
DAVE: like i know it wont cure it or anything but its a suggestion you dont even have to do it  
KARKAT: WE CAN CALL MORE.  
DAVE: ok also sorry for talking so much  
KARKAT: IT'S OK.  
KARKAT: IT'D BE GOOD IF I HAD A NICKNAME THERE, BUT I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO CALL YOU, SORRY.  
DAVE: its cool dude i mean i call you dude and bro which isnt very helpful at all but like yeah  
KARKAT: NAH, IT'S FINE.  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: what should i wear next do you think  
KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW… I'M NOT REALLY INTO MAIDS? LIKE, THEY DON'T EVEN REALLY DRESS LIKE THAT.  
DAVE: damn who the fuck doesnt like maids  
DAVE: ok what *do* you like then  
KARKAT: HMM… SWEATERS.  
DAVE: i will end you  
KARKAT: YEAH, RIGHT. BUT REALLY I DON'T CARE ABOUT COSTUMES, I GUESS. I JUST LIKE HOT PEOPLE, SO. YOU'RE BASICALLY ALREADY GOOD.  
DAVE: aw damn costumes are fun  
KARKAT: SO WEAR COSTUMES! FIND SOME SILLY ONES, MAYBE.  
DAVE: maybe  
KARKAT: …  
DAVE: …  
KARKAT: AH.  
KARKAT: WOW YOU'RE- YOU'RE KIND OF ADORABLE.  
DAVE: thank you  
KARKAT: I WISH I WAS THERE.  
DAVE: what would you do if you were  
KARKAT: P-PET YOU? MAYBE?  
DAVE: haha  
KARKAT: UH, DO YOU WANT TO WATCH SOMETHING? THERE'S THAT SHOW ON NETFLIX, THE SANRIO ONE. I THINK IT'S FUN, YOU'LL PROBABLY LIKE IT.  
DAVE: sure  
KARKAT: OK. I'LL- I'LL SHARE MY SCREEN.  
DAVE: ok babe  
KARKAT: YEAH- UH, YEAH.  
DAVE: haha


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No update tomorrow. Will resume the day after.
> 
> Thank you for the lovely comments!

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] has opened memo "HELP WHAT THE FUCK" in PESTERGANG SERVER --

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] has banned turntechGodhead [TG] from memo --

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] has banned carcinoGeneticist [CG] from memo --

GG: hey everyone, i know this is sort of a dick move to make but ive noticed something kind of odd and i think we need to discuss it because its kind of seriously weirding me out!!!   
EB: ????   
CA: harley and i compared notes and wwe think karkat and davve are in a wweird scenario wwhere theyre forcin each other to date or somethin   
GA: Ah So That Is The Guy On Animal Crossing I Understand His Hesitancy To Tell Me Now   
GC: …   
GG: yeah rezi, thats what i was like??   
GG: see, daves always on his phone talking to someone like nonstop and sometimes it sounds like hes talking to someone important, so i may have snooped a little...   
GA: Understandable   
TA: no iit'2 not oh my god miind your damn busiine22.   
TA: we 2hould all be miinding our damn busiine22. be2iide2 that thii2 ii2 obviiou2ly iin2ane, who the fuck care2 iif theyve deciided two date or whatever.   
CA: its because of the circumstances   
GG: if i may continue from where i was RUDELY CUT OFF i went snooping and he was on a call with karkat ?!   
EB: whoa a call???   
TT: How oddly incriminating.   
GG: yes exactly!   
AC: :33 < well thats… unpurrecedented   
AC: :33 < i need to update my charts even if they're just furrends   
AC: :33 < they claways seemed to hate each other…   
EB: i didn't even know they still talked. this is kinda weird.   
GG: it gets weirder! :/   
CA: a wwhile ago I got a message from kar freakin out because he had a date wwith a guy because of some wweird evvents and he wwasnt sure howw to act or look evven though it wwas just a fuckin phone call and they wwere just goin to wwatch a movie   
CA: anywway i told him to shut up and just not be a wweird freak and hell be fine   
GG: obviously his date was dave!   
GA: Is It Really That Obvious   
AC: :33 < i dont know, it does match up… and jade said daves talking on the phone a lot 33:   
TT: I think you're all reading into this a bit much. Dave has always been a bit absorbed with his social media, and we have no real reason to believe this was anything other than coincidence. They were, after all, fairly antagonistic towards each other and then promptly fell out of touch as of late.   
GA: Has Anyone Contemplated Just Asking One Of Them   
TA: here2 another iidea: ha2 anyone con2iidered miinding theiir own bu2iine22??   
GG: im just worried about them, sollux. :(   
TT: What's there to worry about? They're grown men, Jade.   
CA: wwhile normally i wwould agree that its not wworth lookin into the circumstances implied to me by kar wwere a bit disconcertin   
TT: How so?   
CA: kar said that he asked his date out to help them because he thought they wwere in danger   
AC: :33 < danger???   
TT: In danger of what?   
CA: im not sure It wwas mostly nonsense and wwe talked on the phone instead of texting so i dont have any caps   
GA: Perhaps We Should Wait And See   
GG: but…   
GA: What Else Is There To Do   
EB: maybe we should check in on dave? make sure he's feeling ok? you know, what with him supposedly being in danger and all.   
TT: Agreed; that's probably the best course of action. We don't bring up Karkat yet, and instead ask about his personal well being.   
GG: well… ok.   
TA: ii gue22.   
EB: who's going to ask? i un volunteer.   
TT: I might as well, since I tend to ask him uncomfortable questions anyway. He'll be less suspicious than say June asking.   
EB: i already unvolunteered!!   
AC: :33 < whatre you going to say rose? 833   
TT: Just something about his well being, that I've noticed that he isn't his talkative self as of late. Typical concerned sister behavior.   
TT: And not entirely untrue, either. He really hasn't been flooding my private messages with inane bullshit lately.   
EB: yeah, he has been pretty quiet.   
GA: Karkat Has Been His Usual Self   
TA: yeah, ii haven't notiiced any change lately.   
TT: Odd.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has begun pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TT: Good afternoon, dear brother. At least, on your end. I once again must say that I greatly enjoyed visiting you and your lovely apartment with all of it's faulty plumbing and strange decor. I have no comment on your lovely roommate. However, it has come to my notice that you have not been your typical blabbering self, and I am growing concerned. Is there perhaps something you are not telling me? Are you depressed? How is work?   
TT: Dave?   
TT: Hm. This isn't like you.

TT: He isn't answering.   
GA: Hes Probably Busy   
TT: Maybe, but I doubt it. He shouldn't be at work today.   
EB: he just texted me like right before the memo was opened.   
TT: Suspicious.   
TA: iit'2 not that 2u2piiciiou2.   
TT: Do you have anything you'd like to elaborate on, Captor?   
TA: no.

TG: hi   
TT: He emerges from his cave.   
TG: karkat and i are dating and also im fine and not in danger weve just been talking and i like him   
TG: you can psychoanalyze me later or whatever   
TT: …   
TG: it was jade   
TT: Ah. Thank you.   
TG: sure

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

TT: Jade.   
AC: jade?   
TT: Jade.   
EB: what'd jade do??   
GG: im sorry rose, i had to know!!   
TA: what the 2hit, jade.   
GA: Ah She Asked About Karkat   
AC: :33 < *gasp!!*   
GG: im sorry guys. :(   
CA: goddamnit jade this was serious   
CA: noww wwho knows how theyll react   
GG: i needed to know though!! I was worried and confused!!!

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] has left the memo --

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

TG: jade found out were dating   
CG: FUCK! EVERYONE'S GOING TO KNOW NOW!   
TG: yeah i think they already do but heres my plan you ready for this   
TG: we dont flip out and just act like were being normal and everyone else is insane   
CG: WE'RE CLEARLY THE INSANE ONES, DAVE.   
TG: yes but if we pretend like its normal that were dating then theyll be less suspicious   
CG: I DON'T FUCKING BUY IT. WHAT IF THEY THINK IT'S *MORE* SUSPICIOUS?!   
TG: then fuck them like honestly who cares were minding our business and we do like each other   
CG: WELL.   
CG: YEAH, THAT'S TRUE. OK.   
TG: ok   
TG: so thats the plan   
CG: YEAH, THAT'S THE PLAN.   
TG: no announcement just saying yeah if asked   
CG: SOUNDS GOOD.   
TG: awesome

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

GA: I Would Like An Explanation   
CG: THERE'S NOTHING TO EXPLAIN. WE STARTED TALKING, AND WE LIKE EACH OTHER A LOT.   
GA: Eridan Said You Implied Danger On Daves Behalf   
CG: UH, THAT SNEAKY BITCH? NO. DAVE ISN'T IN DANGER, AND HE NEVER WAS.   
GA: You Are Hiding Something From Me    
GA: Why Did You Begin Talking   
CG: HE POSTED SOMETHING ON REDDIT, I MESSAGED HIM TO TALK ABOUT IT.   
GA: What Was It   
CG: A GIF. OF A DOG.   
GA: A Gif Of A Dog   
CG: THE DOG LOOKED LIKE BERNIE SANDERS.   
GA: I See   
CG: IT WAS A BERNARD SANDERS.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: THIS ISN'T FUCKING WORKING!!!   
CG: ALSO, WHICH IS FUNNIER: A BERNARD SANDERS, A BERNIE SAMOYED, OR A BERNIE SCHNAUZER?   
TG: bernie schnauzer but also all of these are making me break out in hives dont you know about the faults in making memes about politicians bro   
CG: FINE, WHATEVER.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] has begun pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

EB: dave.   
TG: june   
EB: daaaaaaaave.   
TG: what   
EB: you have a boy friend! and you didn't tell me! what the fuck!   
TG: sorry about that i was a bit busy having a boyfriend and was too busy thinking about how hot and sexy he is to remember to contact any of my friends   
EB: wait, you've seen karkat? what does he look like? he's never sent me a picture.   
TG: yes of course i know what my boyfriend looks like obviously   
TG: he has light brown skin and dark curly hair and hes really short and fat and he has really bad eyebags and dark circles   
EB: uhhhhhhhh, ok. if that's what gets you going, i guess.   
TG: it does absolutely   
EB: well, my attention span on this is growing pretty thin, not going to lie! don't do anything stupid, like not tell jade that you have a boy friend!   
TG: ha ha youre such a comedian   
EB: yeah!

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has begun pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

GA: Karkat Is Still Hiding Something About Dave   
TT: I was afraid of that.   
GA: Me Too I Will Continue To Interrogate Right Now He Has Presented Me With Some Bullshit About A Dog Gif On Reddit As The Reason For Their Relationship   
TT: A dog gif on Reddit?   
GA: It Supposedly Looked Like Bernie Sanders   
TT: Yes, I totally believe that. /S   
GA: That Is How I Feel About It As Well   
TT: Good luck with your mission of relentless bombardment, oh temptress of the night.   
GA: Thank You Im Afraid I Shall Need It

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

CG: DAVE? ARE YOU THERE?   
TG: not now jades talking my ear off   
CG: OH, SORRY.

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] has begun pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CA: wwell   
CA: wwell wwell wwell   
TG: do you just like to say the word well   
CA: a little   
CA: im here to evvaluate my friends boyfriend and ensure that he isn't a total douche wwho doesnt deservve him   
TG: too late im already a total douche who doesnt deserve him   
TG: also im busy

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

CA: wwell

GA: Do You Even Know Who Bernie Sanders Is   
CG: OF COURSE I KNOW WHO BERNIE SANDERS IS!   
GA: Did You Know Who He Was Before Dave Talked Your Ear Off About Him   
CG: YES! OF COURSE! I PAY ATTENTION TO POLITICS!   
GA: Do You Now   
CG: OF COURSE! I LIVE HERE, DON'T I???   
GA: What Is The Name Of Your Senators Karkat   
CG: WHO THE FUCK CARES ABOUT SENATORS??? WE HAVE A CRAZY FUCKING ASSHOLE IN THE WHITEHOUSE!!   
GA: You Are Deflecting   
GA: Do You Even Know Which Party Bernie Sanders Belongs To   
CG: THE COMMUNIST PARTY, OBVIOUSLY.   
GA: Mhm

"-and it just feels like you don't care about me! Do you care about me, Dave??"

"Yeah, I care about you, obviously." Your fingers itch to grab your phone, which has been buzzing nonstop, but you know if you pick it up again you'll blow it.

As it stands, Jade is sort of losing her shit here. She's near tears, pacing up and down your shared living room, and you feel worse and worse about your deception by the minute. Which is ridiculous, of course, since it wasn't a "deception" so much as your own private business that she has no requirement to know.

"It's like, am I even your best friend?? You never tell me anything, but I tell you everything! Because you're my best friend, but it's like that's not mutual! It's not reciprocated! That really hurts!" She turns to face you with her huge, bright glistening eyes and you feel your resolve continue to evaporate into thin air. You hate how this always goes.

"It's not that you aren't my best friend," you begin, knowing full well you consider Jade to be your third or fourth best friend and you would absolutely live with June if she didn't live with your ex and her unsettling girlfriend. "It's just that it's something that's really new to me, you know? Like, you know how hard it was for me to come to terms with myself and I'm still sort of doing that. So now I have a boyfriend, and I have to deal with how I feel about that and figure things out. And I have to do that alone."

She huffs, crossing her arms. "You don't have to do that alone, you wanted to do that alone. If anything, it'll help if you have people with you to help you sort things out!"

"You are not my therapist!" You snap. "This shit is personal. It's nothing against you, obviously, seeing as how I didn't tell any of my other friends either, but I just want to deal with this shit myself. It's not my fault if you feel rejected over small shit."

"This isn't 'small shit,' this is a major milestone in your life-!" Tears are falling now, and you can't take it. You can't take feeling like a bad guy.

You get up, and flashstep to your room.

"Real mature, Dave!" She calls out behind you, but you put on your headphones and unlock your phone.

CG: AHHHHHHH!!!   
CG: FUCK, FUCK, HELP!   
CG: SHE'S NOT LEAVING ME ALONE!   
CG: I KNOW YOU'RE AWAY FROM KEYBOARD, BUT I AM SERIOUSLY GOING TO LOSE MY GODDAMN MIND. THIS BITCH IS GOING TO KILL ME.   
CG: GOSSIPY SLUT, I SWEAR TO GOD.   
CG: AUGH, FUCK, NOW NEPETA IS FUCKING MESSAGING ME!!   
CG: I TOLD THEM I HAVE TO GO, BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO CALL. WE DON'T HAVE TO ACTUALLY DO THAT, BUT KANAYA MIGHT MESSAGE YOU TO INTERROGATE YOU SOON, SO JUST FYI.   
TG: no i actually want to call   
CG: OH! OK.   
CG: GIVE ME A MINUTE.   
TG: sure


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was surprised by some of the comments to the last chapter. Thank you for commenting, and I'm sorry for today's conclusion as well (tomorrow's chapter will be easier, I promise).
> 
> Also, just a reminder that this fic has a happy ending and not to stress too much. It's ok.
> 
> Warning for super bad self esteem issues.

TG: what time did you get up  
CG: THREE. BUT THAT'S BETTER THAN YESTERDAY.  
TG: that is better than yesterday thats good babe  
TG: did you eat dinner  
CG: YEAH, I ORDERED A PIZZA.  
TG: they have pizza in alaska  
CG: ASTUTE OBSERVATION, DAVE.  
TG: shut up  
CG: HOW'S IT GOING WITH JADE.  
TG: i dont want to talk about jade  
CG: IT'S BEEN DAYS, YOU NEED TO TALK TO HER EVENTUALLY. AND DON'T GET ME WRONG, SHE WAS BEING UNREASONABLE. SHE OWES YOU AN APOLOGY. BUT ALSO, YOU NEED TO TALK TO HER. YOU LIVE WITH HER.  
TG: yeah i know  
TG: baaaaaabe i wanna caaaaall  
CG: FINE, GIVE ME A MINUTE. I HAVE TO PUT AWAY THE PIZZA.  
TG: ok hey i dreamed about you last night  
TG: it was a sexy dream but it was also really confusing as a sexy dream because i dont really know what you look like so my brain decided you look like a big teddy bear  
CG: YOU WERE HAVING SEX WITH A TEDDY BEAR??  
TG: no you dont get it i was having sex with you  
TG: ok we werent really having sex it was more like i was horny and you were just near me but it was definitely an attraction to you like the dream was about you and the teddy bear was a secondary thing  
CG: I DO NOT HAVE THE ENERGY TO UNPACK WHY MY BOYFRIEND DREAMS OF FUCKING A TEDDY BEAR THAT HE VIEWS AS ME.  
TG: oh my god its the fucking symbolism kat are you fucking listening  
TG: it symbolically represents you not actually is you i was dreaming of you but to represent you my brain put the iconography of a teddy bear in your stead its not that hard to get  
CG: I DON'T GET IT *AT ALL*.  
TG: whatever just call me im wearing a new shirt

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun a call with turntechGodhead [TG] \--

KARKAT: AAHH!  
DAVE: karkat??  
DAVE: holy fuck is that you  
KARKAT: AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!  
KARKAT: IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE ON!!!  
DAVE: turn it back on karkat babe turn the camera back around  
KARKAT: NO!!!  
DAVE: yes please please please this is the only way to solve the teddy bear and banish it for good what do you look like baby come oooooonnn  
KARKAT: URGH.  
DAVE: you didnt look ugly you looked cute come on kat turn the camera around  
Karakt: …  
KARKAT: YOU'RE QUIET…  
DAVE: youre hot  
KARKAT: NO I'M NOT!!!  
DAVE: youre hot and youve been holding out on me  
KARKAT: SHUT UP, NO I'M NOT!!!

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has begun pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

TG: karkats cute hes really cute his face is so round and his eyes take up half his fucking face he looks like an anime chibi im going to scream i hate him i actually hate him im so conflicted i cant believe ive been trying to get this guy to dom me what the fuck is happening here hes worse than the teddy bear  
EB: hi dave!  
TG: im going to fucking explode i cant believe he held out on me like this oh my god i am so jealous how tall did he say he was like five foot three this is so embarrasing god ive been making him call me cute when hes clearly the cute one ive somehow stumbled into a relationship where im the one who looks cool and tough and fuck this sucks so much hes so hot im going to die how am i still into this  
EB: i'm going to just… leave this running and go back to watching battle star galactica. have fun with whatever you're talking about!  
TG: fuck i want to sit on his lap and grope him  
EB: yeah, definitely going to mute this.

KARKAT: DAVE???  
DAVE: sorry im texting someone june was asking me something  
KARKAT: AM I REALLY THAT BAD…  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: AM I REALLY THAT… UGLY.

Clunk.

DAVE: what no no no you are not ugly dude you are so hot  
KARKAT: DID YOU JUST THROW YOUR PHONE-  
DAVE: yeah june can wait this is more important you are super hot has no one ever told you that  
KARKAT: NO.  
DAVE: why not  
KARKAT: BECAUSE USUALLY PEOPLE ARE BEING HONEST TO ME.  
DAVE: karkat you are going to kill me im going to be found murdered on my bed and all the fingerprints will point to you are you listening  
KARKAT: YES, I AM. AND YOU'RE LYING. IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MUCH YOU DRESS IT UP, YOU'RE STILL LYING AND IT'S STILL ANNOYING. IF YOU REALLY-  
DAVE: no we are *not* doing this you fucking insecure idiot listen to me you have a fat ass and a cute face that makes me want to pinch your cheeks and if you keep saying youre ugly im going to fuck your dad  
KARKAT: GROSS??? AND UNLIKELY, HE IS A STRONG BELIEVER IN ABSTINENCE. MY UNCLE HIRED A P.I. ON HIM TO FIND SOME DIRT AND MY DAD LITERALLY GOT PREGNANT ONCE AND NEVER HAD SEX AGAIN.  
DAVE: holy shit  
DAVE: we are getting way off topic stop trying to change the subject  
DAVE: you are not ugly  
KARKAT: YES I AM!!!  
DAVE: karkat i will end you do you hear me i will end you  
KARKAT: CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT YOUR T-SHIRT INSTEAD OF MY GODDAMN GARGOYLE FACE-  
DAVE: my tshirt the one that says i have no tits well what a coincidence because you do have tits and and most importantly you have an ass i can not believe you have an ass and thighs and didnt tell me  
KARKAT: WHY ARE YOU SO FOCUSED ON THAT!!! AUGH!!!  
DAVE: because i like ass you dumbass oh my god  
KARKAT: YOU DO???  
DAVE: i am going to explode why is everything with you a whole production  
DAVE: you are insanely hot as ive been saying the past like half hour fuck the fucking teddy bear that shits rancid youre a fresh can of milk straight out of the cow  
KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOD, DAVE. PLEASE, TELL ME MORE ABOUT HOW I'M COMPARABLE TO A BAD FOOD METAPHOR. IT'S EXTREMELY TITILLATING, AND I'M GOING TO COMBUST IN MY PANTS.  
DAVE: real quick is it possible to get you to take off your shirt  
KARKAT: NO!  
DAVE: not even for me your boyfriend your super hot and sweet boyfriend who loves you and is giving you puppy dog eyes  
DAVE: …  
DAVE: wait what color are your eyes  
KARKAT: THAT'S IT-  
DAVE: no kat no turn it back on you dont have to show me your eyes even if they are absolutely fucking adorable and stunning pleeeeaaaasssseeee turn the camera back on babe baby karkat im so sorry i wont keep talking about your body or your eyes please i wanna see my boyfriiiieeeennnndddd  
KARKAT: MMMMMNGH.  
DAVE: babe are you embarrassed  
KARKAT: WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME BABE SO MUCH.  
DAVE: because you look like a babe like someone who should be called babe  
DAVE: i can call you babe or baby or sweetie or sugar or honey or cutie or-  
KARKAT: STOP IT, THIS ISN'T FUNNY!!  
DAVE: man  
DAVE: im really not joking  
DAVE: how do i get you to believe that im not joking  
KARKAT: YOU WON'T, BECAUSE IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT!  
DAVE: karkat are you ok  
KARKAT: NO! I'M HUMILIATED, AND I WASN'T READY; I'D *NEVER* BE READY TO SHOW YOU OF ALL PEOPLE WHAT I LOOK LIKE AND NOW YOU KEEP COMPLIMENTING ME AND I CAN'T DO IT I JUST CAN'T!  
DAVE: karkat

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ended a call with turntechGodhead [TG] \--

EB: dave? are you done?  
TG: yeah im done  
EB: are you ok? you just sort of ended mid rant there. i mean, sure, you go on a lot but you usually finish what you're saying.  
TG: yeah  
TG: i think i fucked it up somehow  
TG: with karkat  
TG: oh my god i think hes actually fucking mad at me i fucked it up  
EB: oh. well that sucks. do you want to talk about it?  
TG: no

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

EB: ok, well bye.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] is an idle chum! --


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good morning!
> 
> Next update is tomorrow.

You tend to have these fantasies of epic proportions. Not in the traditional sense of the fantastical, such as pixies or dragons and the ilk, but in the manner of having a normal functional life with someone who loves you.

Unfortunately for your real life self you are not normal or functional, and this greatly affects how you go about your day. Sure, in your dreams you can be swept away by a gorgeous knight in shining armor, but then there's only so much time you can spend sleeping before your basic bodily needs take over. Or for your dad to come home and fake concern for your well being.

Still, you dream of Dave anyway.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

TG: im so sorry ok i know i overstepped and i didnt mean to i was just excited because i really like you and i was so happy to see what you look like  
TG: karkat i promise i really do like you im not faking anything and you werent a last resort even i lied about the responses thing i had a whole guy lined up but i was just so interested in talking to you and it was kind of like ugh never mind i dont want to get into that actually youll think i sound deranged as if i you dont already  
TG: i dont regret picking you because i really like you youre so funny and your commentary is really good and i love watching movies with you and i know you hate it but i think youre cute too and i just get really happy every time you tell me im doing a good job and im really happy every time you feel a little bit better than you did the day before  
TG: are you reading these im sure you are  
TG: i miss you i have to go to work but i miss you i want to talk to you soon ill literally go to alaska and apologize to you

The text flickers in front of your eyes, red light from your phone flooding your face in the darkness of your room. It's very early in the morning. You couldn't sleep.

You hear your dad making coffee, the scent traveling up from the floor below you. You close your eyes.

TG: hey so i tried talking to jade because i figured that i might as well follow some of your advice while youre out and about and by out and about i mean not talking to me  
TG: it didnt go well i walked in the room she looked at me and i panicked and yelled  
TG: water  
TG: got a glass of water and ran back into my room  
TG: shits embarrassing i cant even look at myself right now  
TG: do you want a selfie would that make you feel better  
TG: i can look at myself if its for you  
TG: karkat?  
TG: ok

You're not sure what time it is when you wake up. You glance at your phone, but discover it's out of battery. Getting a charger seems like a lot of energy. You still get up to grab one.

You find that you're very hungry as you stand. But you have a bag of corn nuts next to your bed, so you grab them and start mindlessly munching. You feel gross.

TG: im just kind of freaking out because i really really dont want you to dump me i really like you and karkat im so sorry please dont dump me please tell me im doing ok i just fucked up alright ill do better next time please  
TG: im sorry for blowing up your phone im so sorry for everything everything ive ever done im sorry for the vague homophobia and the teasing you about your looks like this all obviously backfired on me hard but augh its not about me im making it about me again when its about you and how youre really cool and i dont really deserve you but i really want to deserve you because youre kind of perfect in a weird way and literally i saw you and its like angels sang youre so pretty youre like a fucking painting please answer your phone before i say something even more embarrassing

You locate your charger in the living room, next to your dad as he types on his laptop. He doesn't look up at you, as per the agreement you made when you were roughly thirteen and insistent that you didn't want any help with anything. You could swear he's watching you in his peripherals, though. Just judging by the way he bites his lip.

Returning to your room, you plug in your phone only to find that it needs to be at 5% battery at least to even turn on. Fucking cell phones. You wrap yourself up in your blankets, and think.

And think.

And think.

TG: please dont dump me karkat im so sorry please say something  
CG: I WAS ASLEEP ALL DAY AND MY PHONE WAS OUT OF BATTERY.  
TG: oh  
CG: SHOULD I READ ALL OF THAT? OR DO YOU NOT WANT ME TO.  
TG: its probably best if you didnt  
CG: OK. I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU.  
TG: yeah?  
CG: YEAH. I'M REALLY SORRY.  
TG: for what  
CG: FLIPPING OUT, I GUESS. IT WAS STUPID. I WAS OVERWHELMED, BUT I CLEARLY WORRIED YOU WHICH I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO.  
CG: IF I'M HONEST, I'M NOT USED TO ANYONE WANTING TO DATE ME. LIKE, SERIOUSLY. I'VE HAD PEOPLE HAVE CRUSHES ON ME, BUT THEY'VE NEVER ACTED ON THEM, SO.  
CG: IT'S KIND OF FELT LIKE THEY WEREN'T REAL. LIKE I WASN'T ATTACHED TO THAT.  
CG: DATING SOMEONE IS… AN ADJUSTMENT.  
TG: oh  
TG: thats  
TG: thats fucked up because i keep thinking about how different it is to be dating a guy like i put so much stock into dating a man  
TG: like i have all this insecurity over my upbringing and whether its ok to like men its kind of a whole thing but i guess because youve never exactly been  
TG: publically adverse to the idea of being attracted to them  
TG: that i never really considered  
CG: THAT I WOULD ALSO HAVE RELATIONSHIP ANXIETY.  
TG: yeah  
CG: I HAVE ANXIETY ABOUT MEN, TOO.  
TG: you do  
CG: YEAH, LIKE, OBVIOUSLY? DUDE, I'M CLEARLY NOT THE MANLIEST GUY OUT THERE. I WRITE ROMANCE FANFIC.  
TG: whats unmanly about that  
TG: manliness is what you make of it  
CG: BUT THAT'S NOT HOW SOCIETY IS STRUCTURED. WE AREN'T IN A VACUUM, THERE'S ALL THESE EXPECTATIONS ON US FROM THE MINUTE WE'RE BORN. LIKE HOW YOU WERE EXPECTED TO ONLY BE ATTRACTED TO GIRLS. I GOT THAT TOO! BUT ALSO, JUST, A LOT OF…  
CG: IT'S HARD TO ARTICULATE MYSELF.  
TG: thats ok  
TG: i guess its surprising to hear this what with your dad being so progressive  
CG: EVERYONE HAS THEIR FAULTS, AND IT'S NOT REALLY HIS FAULT ANYWAY. WHEN I WAS A KID I WORE DRESSES, BUT THEN OF COURSE HE'D TAKE ME TO THE STORE AND THERE'D BE WEIRDOS COMMENTING ON MY CLOTHES. AND ON TV, BOYS WOULD PUT ON DRESSES, BUT IMMEDIATELY GET LAUGHED AT OR THEY'D RECOIL IN DISGUST. AND AFTER A WHILE IT'S LIKE, "FUCK OFF, DAD! NO ONE ELSE DOES THIS!"  
TG: ah  
CG: YEAH. NOT A VACUUM!  
TG: not a vacuum  
CG: AND IT DOESN'T HELP WHEN PEOPLE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVELY MAKE COMMENTS ABOUT MY ATTRACTION TO MEN, EITHER. LIKE, OF COURSE I'M SELF CONSCIOUS ABOUT IT.  
TG: right  
TG: yeah of course  
TG: very true  
TG: sorry  
CG: SOMETIMES IT'S LIKE, I'M IN THAT TRASH COMPACTOR FROM STAR WARS. AND EVERY DAY I WAKE UP AND THE WALLS HAVE GOTTEN SMALLER. EVENTUALLY IT'LL CRUSH ME UNTIL I'M NOTHING, AND I'LL BE DISPOSED OF LIKE THE REST OF THE GARBAGE THE UNIVERSE PUTS OUT.  
TG: well thats fucking bleak  
CG: MY LIFE IS REALLY BLEAK, DAVE.  
TG: im sorry for making you uncomfortable though  
TG: is it really uncomfortable for me to say youre cute  
TG: i can use different adjectives i can call you pretty too  
CG: NO, IT'S OK. IT'S LIKE… I KNOW YOU LIKE ME. YOU MIGHT EVEN ACTUALLY THINK I'M CUTE. BUT IT'S HARD FOR ME TO ACCEPT THAT? IT'S REALLY LIKE YOU'RE LYING TO ME. OR SAYING IT AS A JOKE, TO TRICK ME. IT'S HARD TO WRAP MY HEAD AROUND.  
CG: SOMETIMES, THE IDEA OF HAVING A BOYFRIEND IS LIKE THAT THING IN TEEN MOVIES WHERE THE GIRL GETS ASKED OUT BUT IT TURNED OUT TO HAVE BEEN A JOKE AND HE'D ONLY BEEN DOING IT FOR A BET?  
CG: LIKE, DAVE STRIDER IS WAY HOTTER THAN ME, HE'S ALWAYS BEEN WAY HOTTER THAN ME, HE'S ALWAYS BEEN PICKED OVER ME, BUT NOW HE WANTS TO DATE ME? SINCERELY? THAT DOESN'T ADD UP.  
CG: AND IT'S EASIER TO GET PAST THAT WHEN IT'S ME COMPLIMENTING YOU AND BEING SUPPORTIVE BECAUSE THEN THE FOCUS IS STILL ON YOU. IT GIVES MY BRAIN A REASON FOR YOU TO WANT ME AROUND. BUT FLIP THAT BACK ON ME, AND IT'S LIKE… WHAT THE FUCK.  
TG: ok that hurts to hear but only because i really like you and really just want the best out of this for you  
CG: THANKS, DAVE.  
TG: ugh this fucking sucks  
CG: I KNOW.  
CG: THANKS FOR BARING WITH ME, HERE.  
TG: yeah of course thanks for not dumping me  
CG: YEAH, I DON'T THINK I EVER WOULD.  
TG: cute  
CG: I KNOW.  
TG: so can i call you hot now or is that still banned  
CG: YOU CAN COMPLIMENT ME, BUT ONLY A LITTLE BIT AND SPREAD OUT SO THAT I DON'T FLIP THE FUCK OUT.  
TG: fine with me  
TG: are we going to video call more  
TG: maybe have selfie exchanges  
CG: SURE.  
TG: awesome

Your door creaks open. You hear your dad shuffle through the mess on your floor, and gently set something on your side table next to you. You continue to stare at your phone, and refuse to look up at him. "Karkat," he states in his soft and clear voice, "I saw that while you were downstairs you did not get yourself anything to hydrate with. You've been in this room for several hours now, and I'm worried about your health. Please drink this glass of water. I shall be making dinner shortly."

"Whatever."

"Alright." He leaves, but pauses in the doorway. Just for a moment, and then he's gone.

TG: can we watch some aggretsuko i feel like this is a good time to switch to something fun that we both enjoy  
CG: I'M NOT SURE, I'M REALLY TIRED.  
TG: ah ok thats fine  
TG: you want to call i can just talk your ear off about nothing and you dont have to say anything  
CG: SURE, BUT I MIGHT DROP OFF.  
TG: thats fine whatever you need tbh


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THERE'S A LOT GOING ON IN THIS ONE! I wasn't planning for it to go this way and then it did, so that's fun. And it isn't going to be dropped, it will be discussed by KK soon.
> 
> Untagged warnings include implied former child abuse, and mentions of Bro Strider.
> 
> A gentle reminder that this fic was intended for an audience of eighteen years of age or older, and that it is tagged with "sexual content." Regardless of you, the reader's age, please enact caution in reading and responding to this fic, along with the rest of this website. Stay safe and healthy, thank you!
> 
> Next update is tomorrow.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: GOOD MORNING.  
TG: hey kat  
CG: HOW LONG ARE YOU WORKING, TODAY?  
TG: standard eight hours and then im out of that bitch lol  
TG: why do you have anything you wanna do today  
TG: ill be home around three  
CG: HMM. HAVE YOU TALKED TO JADE?  
TG: aw man what  
TG: this is an ambush im insulted  
TG: have i talked to jade yeah ive talked to jade  
CG: WHAT DID YOU TALK ABOUT.  
TG: stuff  
CG: I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.  
TG: well why arent you bugging jade about talking to me its always hey dave have you talked to jade like communication goes both ways  
CG: I DID TALK TO JADE. SHE SAID YOU WON'T COME OUT OF YOUR ROOM UNLESS IT'S FOR WORK OR TO PEE.  
CG: WHICH BRINGS UP ANOTHER QUESTION: HOW ARE YOU EATING??  
TG: i have a horde of packaged food and drink i keep in my underwear drawer  
CG: UH, WHY?  
TG: … because  
CG: OK, I GUESS WE'LL CONFRONT THAT LATER.  
TG: nah we wont  
CG: WE WILL.  
TG: nah  
CG: HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU HAVE BEFORE WORK?  
TG: like an hour before i leave but i was hoping to fuck around and read that fic you wrote  
CG: NICE TRY! I KNOW YOU'RE TRYING TO AVOID RESPONSIBILITY. YOU SHOULD GO TALK TO JADE.  
TG: look dude talking to jade is hard ok shes got these huge eyes in big fucking glasses and when im like hey can i eat the last poptart they get all glisteny and she frowns and is so sad and listen i cant do it man she owes me an apology and shes not going to give it to me shes just going to mope and guilt me until i forgive her and feel like a bastard but i dont want to feel like a bastard and you know what  
TG: i shouldnt have to  
TG: you know why  
TG: because it wasnt her business and i dont deserve the blame  
CG: SO DEMAND AN APOLOGY. BE UPFRONT. IF SHE CRIES, THEN IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.  
TG: but ill still feel bad because its  
TG: its more complicated than that ok i dont want to be a tough guy i spent so much time trying to be a tough guy  
TG: and being a huge asshole and i dont want to emulate that  
TG: and shes really good at making me feel like im imitating him so i just roll over and let her do whatever  
TG: and i dont think she even intends to do that like its just something about her like shes a girl and im a boy and shes so cutesy and like the tiniest bit shorter than me  
TG: like half an inch or something  
TG: do you get what im saying  
CG: YOU'RE WEIRDLY STUCK ON THE "BE NICE TO GIRLS BECAUSE THEY'RE FRAGILE" CONCEPT, DESPITE THAT JADE ISN'T FRAGILE AND YOU HAVEN'T EVEN ATTEMPTED TO TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL.  
TG: are you fucking listening telling her how i feel will still end in me feeling shitty so im just going to ignore it until i guess we forget about it  
TG: if we die before then then oh fucking well  
CG: THIS IS RIDICULOUS. YOU FUCKING LIVE WITH HER.  
CG: IF YOU'RE THIS WORRIED THEN YOU CAN TEXT HER.  
TG: shell use emoticons and all the frownies will kill me  
TG: ill drop dead  
CG: OH MY GOD.  
TG: look im going to get ready for work  
CG: FINE. WE'LL TALK LATER.  
TG: k  
CG: GOOD LUCK AT WORK TODAY. I'M ROOTING FOR YOU.  
TG: thanks babe

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--

CG: WELL, I TRIED TO GET HIM TO TALK TO YOU.  
GG: but he said no. :(  
CG: BUT HE SAID NO.  
GG: how am i supposed to make it up to him if he wont let me! we literally live together and hes avoided me entirely for a month… i dont know how to corner him i dont want to keep him from going to work or anything…  
CG: YEAH, NO, DON'T DO THAT.  
GG: i was just really worried! like hes my best friend and hes always so talkative and then he suddenly stops?? like he just stopped talking to us! june rose me all of us. just dropped off. and now hes keeping secrets and dating a guy he said he hated for years and you said he was in danger. im just so worried about him!!  
CG: I DON'T KNOW, I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS ACTING WEIRD WITH YOU GUYS. HE'S NOT IN DANGER, BUT I GUESS HE HAS BEEN WEIRD THIS WHOLE TIME, I MUST HAVE GOTTEN USED TO IT. I'LL KEEP AN EYE OUT, DON'T WORRY.  
GG: hes been weird to you?? how so?  
CG: UH, BECAUSE HE DIDN'T EVEN LIKE MY DOG PUNS. THE BERNIE SANDERS DOG PUNS I GAVE HIM. WHEN I FIRST STARTED TALKING TO HIM.  
GG: oh karkat you have dog puns!!! tell me the dog puns!!!  
CG: *SIGH* FINE.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: DAVE, ARE YOU HOME?  
TG: yep and im not talking to jade  
CG: I WASN'T GOING TO MENTION JADE. I WANT TO CALL.  
TG: oh ok  
TG: wait is this a trap  
CG: A TRAP FOR WHAT?  
TG: jades going to be on the call isnt she  
CG: FIRST OF ALL, I'M NOT THAT FUCKING STUPID. YOU'D OBVIOUSLY HANG UP. SECOND OF ALL, I'M SERIOUSLY NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT JADE.  
TG: hm  
TG: ok you win well call  
CG: YAY!  
TG: ok thats so suspicious the fuck since when do you act excited like that  
CG: SHUT UP AND GET IN THE CALL.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun a call with turntechGodhead [TG] \--

KARKAT: HAHA, OH MY GOD.  
DAVE: fuck off it was eight fucking hours dude  
KARKAT: SORRY, I'VE JUST NEVER SEEN YOU SO DISHEVEL- DAVE.  
DAVE: whaaaaaat  
KARKAT: PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON.  
DAVE: but im hot and sweaty  
KARKAT: YES, I CAN SEE THAT. THAT'S WHY I WAS LAUGHING.  
DAVE: fine let me grab another shirt though  
KARKAT: SURE.  
DAVE: whatd you want to call about  
KARKAT: UM. I WAS THINKING.  
DAVE: mhm  
KARKAT: SO, YOU POSTED THAT AD.  
DAVE: yes  
KARKAT: WHY WERE YOU SO DESPERATE?  
DAVE: oh so now its time for personal questions  
DAVE: i say jokingly because we have said very personal things to each other at this point  
KARKAT: YES. IT IS TIME FOR *THIS* PERSONAL QUESTION.  
DAVE: augh alright  
DAVE: so i like girls and boys right  
KARKAT: YES, AS YOU'VE SAID SO, SO, SO MANY TIMES.  
DAVE: fuck off  
DAVE: so i guess  
DAVE: im trying to think of how to explain this  
KARKAT: TAKE YOUR TIME.  
DAVE: so growing up i was like im a boy im going to act like a boy  
DAVE: and i had this idea that to do that i would have to like girls only and be really stoic and cool  
KARKAT: THIS TRACK SO FAR.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: this is mostly because i was imitating my bro who was also a trans guy  
DAVE: hes also gay btw he kept trying to tell me that when i was a kid but i kept thinking he was joking or being ironic  
DAVE: i was like hey brodad why dont i have a mom  
DAVE: or hey dude why the fuck arent you married to the girlfriend you almost definitely see behind my back  
DAVE: and he was like im exclusively attracted to men dave and i am literally just leaving to buy cigarettes  
DAVE: and i was like that sounds fake but ok  
DAVE: anyway my bro is a mess hes like the worst but also he taught me everything i know  
DAVE: also everything i know is bullshit  
KARKAT: AGREED, BUT I FEEL LIKE WE'VE LOST THE POINT HERE.  
DAVE: yeah what was that again  
KARKAT: WHY YOU WERE SO DESPERATE TO DATE A MAN SPECIFICALLY.  
DAVE: well ive never really  
DAVE: ive dated girls ok its fine i like them theyre hot but ive never gotten to date a boy and i really really wanted to and i just keep thinking about all the time i wasted i guess  
KARKAT: YOU'RE TWENTY FOUR. WHAT, DO YOU THINK OTHER GUYS JUST MAGICALLY STARTED FUCKING EACH OTHER THE MINUTE THEY TURNED EIGHTEEN??  
KARKAT: WHERE'D YOU GET ALL THIS WASTED TIME NONSENSE, GLEE? WAS IT GLEE? THAT SHOW ROTS YOUR BRAIN, I SWEAR.  
DAVE: ive never seen glee  
KARKAT: OH MY FUCK, WE HAVE TO WATCH GLEE. I FUCKING LOVE THAT SHOW.  
DAVE: you *just* said it rots your brain  
KARKAT: IT DOES, BUT I NEED YOU TO SEE IT. IT MAKES ME UNHINGED.  
DAVE: yeah im sure its ryan murphy that makes you unhinged and nothing else  
DAVE: have you seen pose i dont get why wed watch glee when we could watch pose  
DAVE: even ahs is better  
KARKAT: NO, SHUT UP!! YOU DO NOT KNOW PAIN UNTIL YOU'VE HAD TO LISTEN TO RACHEL BERRY.  
DAVE: actually i can believe that  
KARKAT: WAIT! WE GOT OFF TOPIC AGAIN.  
DAVE: ugh  
DAVE: look it was just so lonely ok like i dont know any boys i could date and  
DAVE: i guess i felt like i had to prove myself  
DAVE: im always having to prove myself somehow  
DAVE: prove im a boy prove im cool prove im a good fighter prove im not a fraud  
DAVE: and i want the attention like i can finally just go you know what fuck it i want the attention from a man specifically like thats never happened ive never tried to be attractive to another guy  
DAVE: does that make sense  
KARKAT: NO.  
DAVE: great  
KARKAT: BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NONSENSICAL! JUST THAT I DON'T… PERSONALLY RELATE?  
DAVE: yeah  
KARKAT: HAS IT… WORKED? HAVE I HELPED?  
DAVE: umm  
DAVE: yes  
DAVE: you have actually and it was a good call  
DAVE: like ok at the time i was really desperate i mean REALLY desperate  
DAVE: it was right after valentines and im so so lonely ok and im trying to forget the stupid shit i was taught and i wanted to just be  
DAVE: appreciated and prove that i can have a bf  
DAVE: but also it was a bad idea  
KARKAT: YEAH, IT WAS.  
DAVE: but instead i ended up making up with you and i really like you so it worked out i guess  
KARKAT: THAT'S SWEET. THANK YOU.  
DAVE: yeah of course sheesh  
DAVE: but like it really is good like im able to be a bit more like myself and ive been thinking a lot about my like  
DAVE: sexuality  
DAVE: not related to orientation  
KARKAT: HOW YOU EXPRESS YOURSELF.  
DAVE: yes exactly  
DAVE: like fuck all this i gotta be muscular and big business like im able to think about how i actually WANT to look and how i WANT to be perceived  
KARKAT: AND YOU WANT TO BE PERCEIVED AS CUTE.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: maybe not all the time but yeah  
KARKAT: I RESPECT THAT.  
DAVE: thank you  
DAVE: what about you  
KARKAT: WHAT ABOUT ME?  
DAVE: yeah like how do you want to be perceived like sexually  
KARKAT: OH. HAHA! YES.  
DAVE: yes  
KARKAT: UH. YEAH, I'D LIKE TO BE PERCEIVED. SEXUALLY.  
DAVE: uhuh  
KARKAT: THAT IS A THING THAT I WOULD LIKE.  
DAVE: see but when you construct sentences that way it gives this impression tha-  
KARKAT: THAT I MEAN THE OPPOSITE OF THAT AND I ACTUALLY DO NOT WANT TO BE CONSIDERED IN A SEXUAL WAY??? WHOOPS.  
DAVE: you dont have to you know  
DAVE: like if it makes you uncomfortable for any reason that should be respected  
DAVE: like if youre ace or just not ready etc  
KARKAT: I'M NOT ACE!  
DAVE: ok well theres nothing wrong with being ace just throwing that out there  
DAVE: i mean shit ive thought about whether or not im ace or ace adjacent a few hundred times haha  
KARKAT: YOU HAVE?  
DAVE: but like what makes you uncomfortable exactly  
KARKAT: UH, IT'S LIKE. I MEAN, WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS! IT'S JUST WEIRD! I HAVE TROUBLE ENVISIONING MYSELF AS… DESIRABLE. IT'S JUST FUCKING BIZARRE. FUCKED UP.  
DAVE: its not fucked up  
KARKAT: IT'S FUCKED UP AND WEIRD! LIKE, LOOK AT ME!  
DAVE: counter point youre going to make me feel bad for finding you attractive  
KARKAT: OH, FUCK. I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT.  
DAVE: yeah stop putting yourself down dude you look nice  
KARKAT: MMMMRRRRGGGGHHH.  
DAVE: didnt you have a fantasy where a guy thought you were hot how was that supposed to work  
KARKAT: WELL, IT'S LIKE… I DON'T KNOW? I'VE NEVER REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT LIKE THAT.  
KARKAT: I GUESS IT'S DIFFERENT, BECAUSE THAT GUY ISN'T REAL. LIKE, SURE HE LOOKS LIKE CHRIS EVANS BUT THAT'S UNRELATED HE'S NOT *ACTUALLY* CHRIS EVANS.  
DAVE: right  
KARKAT: IN MY HEAD I'M SAFE WITH HIM, AND OF COURSE HE'S ATTRACTED TO ME, BECAUSE HE'S A FAKE PERSON WHO DOES WHAT I WANT HIM TO.  
KARKAT: FUN FACT: I WILL NEVER BE BETRAYED BY THE FAKE BOYFRIEND IN MY HEAD.  
KARKAT: BUT WITH OTHER PEOPLE, I JUST DON'T KNOW. LIKE, HOW DO I KNOW YOU AREN'T LYING? I DON'T, AND I NEVER WILL.  
KARKAT: …  
KARKAT: YOU'RE ATTRACTED TO ME, RIGHT?  
DAVE: yes definitely  
KARKAT: OK, SO HOW DO YOU SEE ME?  
DAVE: wait like fantasies are you asking me about fantasies  
KARKAT: … SURE.  
DAVE: shit ok  
DAVE: i think we should wear cute underwear like the kind egirls wear and makeout  
KARKAT: WHAT? WHY? UNDERWEAR??  
DAVE: yeah youd be so cute in frilly underwear and we could wear matching ones  
KARKAT: FRILLY… UNDERWEAR.  
DAVE: yes frilly underwear  
DAVE: youd be so cute in frilly clothes and tulle and shit  
KARKAT: I LITERALLY ALWAYS WEAR THIS. I LITERALLY FUCKING SLEPT IN THIS OUTFIT, WOKE UP, AND KEPT GOING.  
DAVE: you sleep in jeans what the fuck  
KARKAT: IT'S NOT THAT BAD. KIND OF WARM. TOASTY.  
DAVE: gross  
DAVE: we should dress you up get you a maid outfit  
KARKAT: WHAT IS WITH YOU AND MAID OUTFITS??? YOU SAID THAT *WASN'T* A FETISH.  
DAVE: its not but if we stick you in one maybe it will be idk  
DAVE: i dont know i mean i definitely have different ideas about you than i did when i started like when i was thinking about sex with an anonymous dude i was thinking id be half naked on the floor humping their fully clothed leg basically  
DAVE: and then i was like ok i guess im humping this disembodied voices leg instead  
KARKAT: DID YOU THINK ABOUT HUMPING A TEDDY BEARS DISEMBODIED LEG-  
DAVE: but then i saw you and now i think you should also be half naked on the floor with me  
KARKAT: HUH.  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW, YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING LIAR. YOU TOLD ME ORIGINALLY YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BE A SUB. MEANWHILE THIS WAS APPARENTLY WHAT YOU WERE THINKING THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME.  
DAVE: but like what do you want like  
DAVE: if we met irl would you want to wear cute underwear with me  
KARKAT: …  
KARKAT: WHAT WOULD WE BE DOING. IN THE CUTE UNDERWEAR.  
DAVE: aw omg look at you  
KARKAT: JUST SAY WHAT WE'D DO, DAVE!  
DAVE: i dont know its hard to guess since i dont really know what youd be into  
DAVE: maybe we just hang around and watch bad romance movies like the notebook  
KARKAT: THE NOTEBOOK ISN'T BAD…  
DAVE: the relationship dynamic in the notebook is completely fucked do not get that twisted kat  
KARKAT: FINE.  
DAVE: maybe we suck each other off or something  
DAVE: wait how big is your dick  
KARKAT: DAVE.  
DAVE: babe how big is your dick  
KARKAT: I DON'T WANT TO SAY!  
DAVE: k  
DAVE: but yeah we could do that we could rub against each other until we cum we could just make out you could finger me  
DAVE: ok hold on  
KARKAT: …  
DAVE: …  
KARKAT: …  
DAVE: yeah thats a good choice we should do that one  
DAVE: we could say really cute romantic shit to each other until you spontaneously combust  
KARKAT: I WOULD NOT.  
DAVE: uhuh i totally believe that  
DAVE: work with me here kat what would you wanna do if we were in cute underwear together  
KARKAT: HM…  
KARKAT: I'D WANT TO TAKE A NAP.  
DAVE: weird but i like the energy that has  
KARKAT: YEAH, IT'S VERY INTIMATE.  
DAVE: exactly  
KARKAT: I'D WANT… TO HOLD YOU. WHILE WE SLEPT. I CAN TELL YOU'RE THE KIND OF PERSON WHO'D BE REALLY SOFT AND CUTE WHILE THEY'RE ASLEEP.  
DAVE: i have no idea if thats true on account of me not being awake to see myself sleep or wait no yes thats right so yeah no clue but thank you  
KARKAT: AND THEN WHEN YOU WAKE UP, YOU COULD USE ME LIKE A SEX TOY.  
DAVE:  
KARKAT: UH.  
KARKAT: WAS THAT TOO FORWARD?  
DAVE: that was very unexpected but you should continue  
KARKAT: OH, OK.  
KARKAT: ARE YOU SURE? YOU LOOK REALLY-  
DAVE: im fine please continue  
KARKAT: I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT THE FINGERING THING-  
DAVE: right yes  
KARKAT: BUT THERE'S OTHER THINGS I COULD DO-  
DAVE: right if you wanted to  
KARKAT: YES, IF WE BOTH WANTED TO.  
DAVE: yes  
KARKAT: AND, I GUESS, MAYBE I COULD USE YOU TOO?  
DAVE: yes <3  
KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW, IT FEELS WEIRD, BUT NOT THAT WEIRD? LIKE… I DON'T FEEL LIKE YOU'D BE… UPSET WITH ME. OR THAT YOU'D TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME. YOU WOULDN'T, RIGHT?  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: i mean look back on what were doing dude im using you as a boyfriend as part of a negotiation  
KARKAT: OH, RIGHT...  
DAVE: like just being honest here  
DAVE: but also no i wouldnt i genuinely like you and i wouldnt drop you after we have sex  
DAVE: in fact we could never have sex and id be fine  
DAVE: we could not do any sexting or whatever itd be cool  
DAVE: or like we could have sex once and youd be like thats the worst thing ive ever gone through i never want to do that again id just be like of course baby you got it  
KARKAT: WHY.  
DAVE: what do you mean why  
KARKAT: THE WAY YOU'RE PHRASING THIS IMPLIES THAT YOU ACTUALLY LIKE ME, TO SOME DEGREE. BESIDES A SEXUAL MANNER, OR IN A MANUFACTURED BOYFRIEND ROLE.  
KARKAT: WHY WOULDN'T YOU DROP ME, DAVE?  
DAVE: because i like you obviously???  
KARKAT: YEAH, BUT…  
KARKAT: NEVERMIND.  
DAVE: i dont get what youre asking me  
KARKAT: IT'S FINE, FORGET IT.  
DAVE: youre clearly getting at something here and it sounds like its important and i dont want to upset you so  
KARKAT: FUCKING FORGET IT, DAVE.  
DAVE: fine whatever  
KARKAT: WOULD YOU WANT TO MEET ME? IN REAL LIFE?  
DAVE: sure  
DAVE: thats the test right like to see if we really like each other wed meet irl  
KARKAT: I SUPPOSE.  
DAVE: do you want to meet me  
KARKAT: I THINK I WOULD.  
DAVE: cool  
KARKAT: YES.  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: …  
DAVE: we should read that fanfic you wrote  
KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU MEAN *WE*? THAT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA.  
DAVE: nah dude its great we can do voices for the characters  
KARKAT: NO!!! WHAT!!! DAVE THERE'S PORN IN IT!!  
DAVE: yeah i know itd be so funny  
DAVE: watch  
KARKAT: NO-  
DAVE: you do attempt in your own way to keep yourself out of the path of others but occasionally when you are not so aware of your actions you find yourself in the midsts of your least favorite classmate antonio  
KARKAT: NOOOOOOO-  
DAVE: a ruffian with thick wild hair and long eyelashes who speaks with a disdainfully bored voice as if youre very presence is on the edge of lulling him to sleep  
KARKAT: STOP!!!  
DAVE: it was in this voice that he called your name that fateful day outside the mens bathroom  
DAVE: the mens bathroom  
DAVE: dude what  
DAVE: where is this going  
KARKAT: WHY ARE YOU READING THIS IN FRONT OF ME WHAT THE FUCK!!  
DAVE: why are they about to fuck in the mens bathroom  
KARKAT: THEY ARE NOT ABOUT TO FUCK IN THE MEN'S BATHROOM!!!  
DAVE: damn really  
DAVE: ill keep reading and see where they end up fucking  
KARKAT: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY EVERYONE I FUCKED UP:
> 
> Normally for every fic I write I make an outline of what happens in each chapter. I didn't do one this time, because I knew I had roughly three weeks of updates and didn't want to bother counting out how many chapters that is because I am bad at math (it seems to be about 20 or 21 depending on if I take Sunday off again).
> 
> This fic is supposed to cover the course of a year, but I'm roughly halfway through, so when I finally started an outline for the second half (last night) I made an unfortunate discovery: I forgot all the holidays. Which means if I want to include them, since I didn't include them in the first half, nearly every chapter of the second half is going to be chock full of different holidays such as KK and Dave's birthdays, Halloween, Chanukah, and New Years. All at once! Crap.
> 
> I am unsure if I'm going to include them all, and I'm extremely exasperated because KK's birthday should have been WAY earlier, but whatever. Do you guys want Holidays? Do you not? Should I do a holiday speedrun? I'll probably do whatever I like best, but I'm curious anyway. Also for context, this chapter is probably sometime in April or May. I don't keep track that precisely, obviously.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crawls out of my hole of embarrassment. Thanks for the input on holidays, I think I have an idea of what I'm doing.
> 
> Warning for really bad body image issues.
> 
> Next chapter is tomorrow (no holidays in it though)
> 
> Thanks for reading and commenting everyone. Have a catboy.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--

CG: KANAYA, I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!  
GA: Busy  
CG: BUSY??  
GA: Busy  
CG: WITH WHAT??  
GA: Things  
CG: OH, I SEE HOW IT IS! SO IF I HAVE SOMETHING PRIVATE YOU WANT TO HEAR ALL ABOUT IT, BUT IF *YOU* HAVE SOMETHING PRIVATE THEN SUDDENLY IT'S NOTHING! HOW DARE KARKAT LEARN ANY DAMN THING ABOUT THE INTRICACIES OF YOUR OWN DAMN LIFE.  
CG: THE GOSSIP THAT PERMEATES YOUR SKIN AND COURSES THROUGH YOUR LEATHERY VEINS DOUBLES AS A DISEASE OF HYPOCRISY THAT KEEPS YOU FROM RECOGNIZING YOUR OWN FAULTS. SUCH FAULTS INCLUDE: IGNORING ME.  
CG: HELLO??? MARYAM???  
CG: ARE YOU THERE, YOU NOSEY BITCH???  
CG: IT'S ME, KARKAT! YOUR FRIEND AND CONFIDANT!  
CG: THE ONE YOU GREW UP WITH, AND MADE ALL THOSE HIDEOUS SWEATERS FOR!  
CG: KANAYA!  
GA: Dont You Have A Boyfriend To Be Annoying  
CG: YES, BUT THAT'S WHAT I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.  
GA: Well That Is Just Too Fucking Bad  
GA: I Am Busy With My Own Problems  
CG: SUCH AS?  
GA: Girl Trouble  
CG: GIRL TROUBLE??? WHAT GIRL TROUBLE COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE???  
GA: I Am Being Sidelined Once Again Because No One Gives A Shit About Me  
CG:  
CG: I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU!  
GA: Yes But To Put It Frankly  
GA: You Are Not Who I Has Hurt Me Karkat  
GA: And I Am Trying To Talk To Said Person But You Are Interrupting  
CG: OH.  
GA: Good Afternoon Karkat  
CG: Bye.

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

"Would you prefer peaches or apricots?"

"Sure." You continue to stare at your phone, leaning heavily on the shopping cart.

Your dad huffs but throws a bag of fruit into the cart before pushing it (and you) off into another aisle. "Do you have to be on your phone right now? I know you value your privacy, but I hardly ever see you. For instance, you could tell me what it is that you do all day?"

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--

CG: JADE!  
GG: not now sorry karkat im talking to kanaya!!!  
CG: OH. OK, I THINK I'M PIECING THIS TOGETHER A LITTLE NOW.  
GG: gasp, she told you didnt she!! that gossipy bitch!!!  
CG: WELL, YOU'RE PRETTY FUCKING GOSSIPY YOURSELF.  
CG: AND ANYWAY, NO SHE DIDN'T. SHE SAID I WAS INTERRUPTING HER TALKING TO SOMEONE ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT, AND NOW I'VE GATHERED THAT YOU'RE IMPORTANT.  
GG: well thats all you should gather, mister!  
CG: YEAH, YEAH.  
CG: I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, I GUESS.  
GG: ok bye kat! i love you!!! :)  
CG: LOVE YOU TOO.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--

"Karkat!"

You snap your head up, staring straight into the bright red eyes of your progenitor. He tries to glare at you, but he's never been particularly good at it. His face is too soft and gentle, and his eyes are too weary and tired. "Really now, at this point I'm growing concerned. Is there an emergency that you must address by phone?"

"No," you frown, and shove the incriminating device into your back pocket. None of your friends seem to be available besides Dave, but fuck Dave you need to think about things before you contact him again. "But it's also none of your business."

"It may not be my business, but I may be able to help with whatever urgent matter you need to discuss. I've been around quite a bit, you know." Your dad continues to pack your cart with produce that you only eat as a last resort, and you groan as you sling yourself over the side of the basket. "Karkat, knock that off. You're a grown adult."

"I didn't want to go shopping. Why are you making me go shopping."

Your dad tosses a bag of potatoes directly over your head, dinging you slightly as it falls into the cart. "Because I'm worried about how you never leave the house. You don't leave, you barely seem to eat, and I never get to talk to you. In theory this activity should help you consume some air that is not confined to your room, you can pick some food that you yourself enjoy, and I may have some quality time with the person I carried and raised for twenty five years. Does that explain some things? Karkat?"

"You use my name too much," you grumble.

Your dad sighs, but continues to push you through the store. You hide your face in your hoodie, avoiding the prying eyes of strangers who no doubt wonder why a grown man is being pushed around by his dad via a shopping cart.

"Here." Your dad stops the cart and you tilt your head to the side, revealing a sign that says CLOTHING in large letters. "I'll continue shopping over here, and you can get some exercise and walk over to the socks section."

"Why."

"Because I need new socks, Karkat, and I'm tired of pushing you along with the other heavy products I am being forced to carry around with no help." And with that, he shakes your shoulder until you sulkily get off of the cart. You stand in place as he quickly pushes the cart away from you, going much faster now that you aren't hanging off of it.

You turn to stare at the clothing section.

When you were small, you received a significant amount of your clothing from your mother, who came from a rich family, and sent you whatever ridiculous frilly thing she could find. You gathered that this choice could possibly also have been to annoy your father, who heavily dislikes the way others flaunt money. There's not really a way to be certain besides asking him, and you have no intention of doing that.

As you got older, you asked your father to buy you clothes, and he would buy you whatever was on sale at local thrift stores. The larger and dingier the better, as it mostly kept you hidden from everyone else. He said nothing when you began to dye your hair black. Black became your favorite color, besides possibly grey.

In your teens, Kanaya began sending you clothing she made herself. You never wear these, as they're far nicer quality than you probably deserve. You doubt you'd have a reason to attend anything in them anyway.

Yet you still send her updates on your measurements when she asks, and you still try them on just for quick pictures so that she knows you appreciate her.

You've never really been inside the clothing section of your supermarket before.

You float through the women's section, past the sea of frilly pink dresses and bright orange and purple bathing suits (bathing suits? In Alaska? How useless), only to stumble your way into the women's underwear. It's a huge area, brightly lit with its own desk and attendant, filled with rows and rows of bras and panties. Even more of them line the rich red painted walls. Just next to it lies the men's, a much less fancy display tucked inside of the section devoted to men's pajamas. Next to that are plain men's socks.

"Do you need any help?" You jump, and quickly turn to face the attendant from the lingerie section, who is smiling brightly at you. You do not read her name tag, and you don't care to.

You hiss "I do not need any fucking panties, I'm here for the boys obviously," and she raises her eyebrows.

"... I'm the attendant for both sections, sir."

"Oh." You shift your feet. "No, I'm fine. Perfectly fine. I just need socks."

"Socks are right behind you on the left, of course. I'll be right here if you need me. Next to the panties." She smirks, and walks away from you.

You quickly walk into the racks of pajamas, and sit down on your heels.

Could you be more embarrassing?? There was no reason to assume you were buying lingerie. Or even underwear! You could be here for the pajamas, too. Or, you know, the socks.

You take a deep breath, and grab a couple packs of socks. You don't check the sizes, but you don't know your dad's size anyway. You don't particularly give a shit, it's his own damn fault you're in this situation.

But you pause, before you leave. You stare up at the display of men's underwear, the ones that have fancy prints on them. The ones with colors, and cartoon characters. Logos. You bite your lip.

You meet up with your dad at the checkout line.

"What is that?" He asks, as you throw a package onto the conveyor belt. The cashier pays no attention to either of you.

"Boxers," you mumble.

"Oh." You can't discern his voice properly. "Interesting. I don't think you've ever bought your own underwear before. Usually you tell me to get you 'whatever, as long as it fits.'"

"Dad," you growl, but he keeps going.

"The cashier doesn't care, do you Simon? It's just a pair of boxers."

"I see them all day, everyone wears them," states Simon, who continues to hurriedly shove all of your items into a bag.

"But really, it's good to see you care about something for once. I swear, all day every day it's 'I don't care dad,' or 'it's whatever dad.' it's nice to see you choose something on your own. And look, it's a nice color!"

"Dad, shut up."

Your dad gives you a somewhat hurt look, before shoving his card into the terminal. "Well, I'm going to make roasted cauliflower tonight, if you don't mind. Jasmine rice with garlic, carrots, and peas, and then maybe a small amount of meat. I think we still have a pork cutlet. I could divide that in half."

You draw your hoodie strings closed. "Fine, whatever."

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

TG: karkat karkat karkat  
TG: hi  
TG: im hooooome  
TG: guess what i bought  
TG: karkat are you there  
TG: baby  
TG: hello  
TG: ok i cant keep it in i bought cat ears message me back  
TG: please hurry  
TG: miss youuuuu

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

You hurriedly shut the door to your bedroom, leaving your dad to put away the rest of your wares. You tear into the package of differently colored boxers, tear away the protective lining, and manage to squeeze yourself into a pair.

You take off your shirt, and open your phone's front camera, swiping away the Pesterchum notification that you assume is your weird fake boyfriend.

You look ridiculous. Your face burns as you quickly close the app, and try to hide your face in your pillow. Your hair is a mess, your stomach spills over the front of the waistband, the blue doesn't suit you, and the bulge in the front looks weird on you, like some unsightly lump shoved in your pants.

Your phone vibrates.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

TG: kat  
TG: kat  
TG: kat  
TG: kaf  
TG: *kat  
TG: kat  
TG: kat  
CG: WHAT.  
TG: kat omg hi  
CG: YES, WHAT DO YOU WANT.  
TG: aw whats wrong you sound like shit  
TG: where were you anyway were you asleep again  
TG: babe have you eaten  
CG: I'VE EATEN. I'M JUST NOT FEELING WELL. I WENT TO THE STORE WITH MY DAD.  
TG: oh cool whatd you buy  
CG: NOTHING. HE NEEDED SOCKS.  
TG: ok but that is something its just socks  
CG: WHATEVER.  
TG: ok well thisll cheer you up  
turntechGodhead has sent an attachment

You open the attachment, revealing a selfie. Dave's lying on his bed, his curly white hair pushed so that it falls into his eyes, and two little white cat ears poking out of the top of his head. He looks up at you with an innocent expression, the angle making his eyes look huge, and a finger hangs from his mouth. He isn't wearing a shirt.

You close the attachment.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?  
TG: christ ok you were *supposed* to say omg dave youre so cute i cant believe im so lucky to have a catboy as my boyfriend truly im blessed to have irl raymond in my dms  
TG: but i guess were back to this  
CG: I TOLD YOU I DON'T WANT TO EXCHANGE NUDES.  
TG: this isnt nudes what im just shirtless im wearing pants  
CG: WELL I CAN'T SEE THAT!!  
TG: is there something wrong  
TG: dont you want to pet me

Sigh.

CG: YES, I DO WANT TO PET YOU.  
TG: soooo pet me compliment me come on  
TG: i want to sit on your lap and be cuddled by my sweet baby boy  
TG: nuzzle into your neck  
CG: I WANT TO PLAY WITH YOUR HAIR. IT LOOKS SOFT.  
TG: it is its very soft  
CG: CUTE.  
TG: <3

You flop back into your bed, no longer embarrassed but still gloomy.

turntechGodhead has sent an attachment  
TG: hows this

Dave is indeed wearing pants. Sort of. They are very tight and thin, and you think you can see the outline of something underneath them. His hips are tilted slightly towards you, and he looks down at the camera with a look of wonder.

You feel sort of like a weird pervert looking at this.

turntechGodhead has sent an attachment.

He's bent over, his tiny ass pushed into the air behind him slightly. His tongue sticks out over his top lip, and he's winking at you salaciously.

You close your eyes and cross your legs.

TG: karkat  
TG: hello  
CG: YOU'RE CUTE.  
TG: yiss  
TG: cat im a kitty cat  
TG: and i dance dance dance and i dance dance dance  
CG: FUCK OFF.  
TG: aw you dont want me to be your lil kitty kat  
TG: you could love me and squeeze me and call me george  
CG: WHAT?  
TG: hold me tight and id purr right up against you  
TG: pet my hair all you want  
CG: ARE YOU GETTING OFF TO THIS?  
TG: no  
TG: are you uncomfortable sorry  
TG: ill stop im not trying to make this weird im just trying to be flirty  
CG: IT'S FINE. BUT YES, SORRY. YOU'RE REALLY CUTE I PROMISE, BUT I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.  
TG: aw ok  
CG: PETS YOU ANYWAY.  
TG: awww  
CG: SWEET KITTY.  
TG: hee hee  
TG: uh i mean lmao  
CG: YES, I KNOW.  
TG: uuuummmm  
TG: i bought more costumes  
CG: OH! LIKE WHAT?  
TG: i have wings  
CG: WINGS?  
TG: yeah like a bird like a black bird  
TG: like a crow or something  
CG: BIRDSONA.  
CG: FEATHERY.   
TG: ok well fuck off asshole  
CG: OK, BIRDBOY.  
TG: fuck off oh my god  
TG: i also got uh some pretty clothes theyre from this store i saw on ig thats like  
TG: i mean its fast fashion but it gives me some sexy clothes so  
CG: I DON'T KNOW WHAT FAST FASHION IS.  
TG: ok never mind then you wouldnt care now that i think about it  
TG: its a sexy clothes shop for egirls  
CG: OH.  
TG: its really frilly ill send you pictures and they are safe for work i promise  
CG: RIGHT. I'M SORRY ABOUT… BEING WEIRD AGAIN.  
CG: LIKE, AFTER THAT CONVERSATION. THE ONE ON THE PHONE.  
TG: yes  
CG: YEAH. SORRY. I KNOW I GAVE SOME KIND OF IMPRESSION THERE. RIGHT AFTER SAYING A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THING.  
TG: hey sex isnt like a switch dude its not like oh karkat said one thing sexual i guess well just be sexual all the time forever now like consent still falls under this  
TG: it can be revoked any time and thats ok  
TG: i was mostly surprised you even  
TG: you know  
TG: told me anything  
CG: I KNOW. IT'S. IT'S A LOT. I DON'T KNOW WHY I DID.  
TG: …  
TG: do you regret it  
CG: I DON'T KNOW.  
CG: I WANTED TO TALK TO PEOPLE ABOUT IT, BUT NO ONE'S AVAILABLE.  
TG: im available  
CG: YEAH, BUT I CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT WITH YOU, YOU'RE THE GUY I'M TALKING ABOUT.  
TG: oh  
TG: right  
CG: WHICH ISN'T A BAD THING!  
TG: no of course not  
TG: its good to talk about your personal issues without your bf getting in the way  
CG: NO, YOU'RE NOT GETTING IN THE WAY! AUGH!  
CG: DAVE, I CAN'T RELY ON YOU FOR ALL OF MY PERSONAL PROBLEMS! I HAVE TO SPREAD THEM OUT, JUST LIKE HOW YOU TALK TO OTHER PEOPLE BESIDES ME WHEN YOU NEED TO.  
TG: yes i talk to people besides you  
TG: definitely  
CG: RIGHT!  
CG: AND IT'S NOT THAT YOU DID ANYTHING WRONG, IT'S ABOUT ME.  
TG: its not me its you?  
CG: YES! I'M JUST INSECURE, AND I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT IT BEFORE I ACCIDENTALLY DO SOMETHING STUPID.  
TG: right  
CG: BUT IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT!  
TG: and you still like me  
CG: DAVE, OF COURSE I LIKE YOU.  
CG: I REALLY REALLY REALLY LIKE YOU, AND I WANT TO KEEP BEING YOUR WEIRD DESPERATION BOYFRIEND.  
TG: oh well phew you had me nervous there for a moment  
CG: SORRY, NO NEED TO PANIC.  
TG: i wasnt panicking  
CG: UHUH.  
TG: also i should go i have to make dinner  
CG: YEAH, OF COURSE. I THINK DAD SHOULD BE DONE COOKING SOON, ANYWAY.  
TG: ok  
TG: ummmmm  
CG: ?  
TG: bye bye <3  
CG: OH! BYE! <3

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

You take a deep breath. Scrolling back through the conversation, you click on the attachments and download them to your phone. You open the first one, where Dave stares up at you with a finger in his mouth.

You reach a hand into your new fancy boxers and groan as you grip yourself a little too tightly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got an anonymous Curious Cat the other day that asked me "are you the one writing the davekat reddit fake dating fic!!!" and I'm not joking when I say I haven't recovered from that. I know I haven't been super secretive about it on my priv- I literally uploaded a screenshot of the draft for this chapter- but on my MAIN?? Absolutely wrecked. One hit KO. I upload anonymously all the time and no ones ever recognizes me. I can't even piece together how I feel about it.
> 
> Hope you like the fic, anonymous person in my inbox.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to fucking around with the font for the narrative parts of this fic, since the pesterlog font is really hard for me personally to read in black for some reason. Thanks for the patience on that.
> 
> And thank you for your comments! The next chapter is tomorrow, and it's all pesterlogs again (thank god).

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has begun pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--

TG: hey   
GG: dave??   
TG: yeah hi   
GG: dave im sorry!! im so sorry!! ive been talking about it with people, and they really scolded me. i was super wrong, and no amount of worry for you should have resulted in me blowing up and being a huge asshole.   
TG: do you want to get pizza   
GG: what? now?   
TG: yeah now   
TG: im hungry do you want to get pizza   
GG: oh… sure?   
TG: cool meet you in the living room in five   
GG: will we be talking in there? like, a real conversation? a discussion?   
TG: a meeting of the minds possibly   
GG: omg 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--

"So it's like, she wanted us to do this, right? But then we did it, and then she got jealous." 

"Which is weird as fuck." 

"Which is weird as fuck! Like, you're the one who said you wanted to open your relationship. Arguably, you're the one who should be prepared for what that entails!" 

"But you're fine? Like, you were doing ok with what you guys were doing. The arrangement. The manager trial." 

Jade gives you an amused look. "Manager trial?" 

"Yeah, that french thing." 

"You mean ménage à trois???" 

"Yes, that. Manager trial." 

"You geek! Yes, I was having fun. I actually… kind of like them? Like, I was skeptical, because I've known Rose for so long, you know? But it's more comfortable than I thought it would be." 

"Is she right though?" 

Jade pushes her hair back from her face. "Hm?" 

"You like Kanaya better." 

"…" She bites her lower lip, her expression twisting with worry. "Maybe." 

"Knew it." you say, popping open your box of pizza. 

"It's not that I dislike Rose, I promise! It's just that Naya's less… exasperating!" You watch Jade as she lines up identical cookie cutters along her pizza, forming an abstract pattern of shapes. "Like, it's not that she's uncomplicated, it's that she's more likely to tell me what she actually wants instead of trying to put up some facade. I hate facades, Dave!" 

"Yeah, who knows why you hang around me." 

She rolls her eyes. "Oh, shut up. You're a cool dude, just not in the way you pretend to be." 

"Thanks, Jade." 

"I mean that as a compliment!" 

"And I'm thanking you, aren't I?" 

"Hmmm…" 

Your first bite of pizza is a little too hot, but the flavor makes up for it. It's a disgusting amount of dairy that will inevitably destroy your insides, but it's sort of worth it. You lean back into your couch. 

"...Is this too weird?" You ask. 

"A little, yeah. I mean, you just suddenly decided we're cool? Out of nowhere? After all that avoidance? I thought we were going to actually talk about it." 

You stare down at the pizza on your lap. "Yeah," you begin. "Let's talk about it." 

Despite your statement, it takes you a moment to collect your thoughts. "It's like, I tried thinking about it from your point of view. I honestly did. And I was like, 'yeah, sure, of course she's upset.' I was raised by a maniac with a sword, right? And you were raised alone on an island with a guy who talks to dolls. So sure I have problems, but no offense, you aren't the most socially aware in our group." 

"None Taken! And yes, I suppose." Satisfied with her intricate pizza debauchery, Jade begins to actually eat a star shaped 'slice' of pizza. "It's more like, I like all my friends, but I like you best. You're my best friend! And you're always telling me what's on your mind, but then suddenly… you stopped. You barely said anything for months" 

"Right." 

"And you don't need to tell me why! It's ok, it's your business. But it made me so worried, because like, I guess nothing like that had happened to me before? Like, one of you drifting away like that." Her legs fold in a bit, and she stares at her lap. You can imagine little droopy dog ears in her hair. 

You sigh. "Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I feel bad for ignoring you for so long- 

"Which you shouldn't, because I was being inappropriate." 

"-and a lot of that was on me, and I wasn't really giving a lot of thought as to why you reacted the way you did-" 

"Dave, I swear we are not making excuses! You are not making excuses!" 

"-and I just think I overreacted a bit too much, like you really were just worried-" 

"Dave, holy fuck! Stop babying me, you were right originally! It was your business, and you weren't ready to talk to anyone. And most importantly, I was too hard on you. Even if it was as bad as I thought, it didn't warrant the reaction I had. And I'm sorry." 

You give her a small smile. "...thank you." 

Jade shyly curls into herself, giving you a sheepish grin. "Of course. It's- it's the right thing to do." 

"I forgive you, you know." 

"Sure, because I bought all this pizza." 

"Because you bought all this pizza." 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--

CG: ENOUGH OF YOUR MARRIAGE TROUBLES. WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT MY SEXUALITY.   
GA: Enough Of My Marriage Troubles   
CG: YES.   
GA: No   
GA: Fuck Off 

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] is an idle chum! --

CG: HOLY SHIT! FINE. 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

CG: ERIDAN, I AM BEGGING YOU TO LISTEN TO ME.   
CA: wwhy   
CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN "WHY?" BECAUSE I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO ABOUT THIS BUT NO ONE WILL LISTEN TO ME!   
CA: havve you considered that i may be busy   
CG: I THOUGHT MY FRIEND WHO SITS ON XER ASS TALKING TO A CAMERA ABOUT WORLD WAR TWO ALL FUCKING DAY WOULD WELCOME A DISTRACTION FROM THE MYRIAD OF MURDER AND PLANS FOR MURDER AND BLUEPRINTS FOR WEAPONS THAT FUCKING MURDER PEOPLE THAT XE HAS TO TALK ABOUT.   
CA: im not talkin about wwwwii you dumbass im talkin about the vvietnam wwar   
CA: specifically the protests and efforts to combat the draft   
CA: do you evven wwatch my vvids   
CG: NO.   
CA: ok wwell then i dont wwant to listen to wwhatever bullshit problem youvve gotten yourself into noww   
CG: HEY, WHAT!   
CG: YOU LOVE GOSSIP!   
CA: i lovve gossipin wwith you wwhen you arent bein a total jackass 

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun pestering arsenicCatnip [AC] \--

CG: NEPETA!   
AC: :33 < omg sorry kitty cat i am talking to katnaya right now! She is having marriage troubles 33:   
CG: ASDFGHJKL ARE YOU SERIOUS???   
AC: :33 < yes, i was surprised too!! she's worried that rose is mad at her over jade, i think? i'm sure it's just a mewsunderstanding, though! rosemary was meant to be together!   
CG: NEVER MIND. 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased pestering arsenicCatnip [AC] \--

AC: :33 < bye!! 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun pestering twinArmageddons [TA] \--

CG: SOLLUX. 

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] is an idle chum! --

CG: YEAH, I SHOULD HAVE EXPECTED THAT. 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

CG: OK, I KNOW THIS IS SOMETHING I DON'T THINK WE HAVE EVER DONE BEFORE. FUCK KNOWS I AVOID TALKING TO YOUR DISGUSTINGLY ANNOYING ASS AS MUCH AS I POSSIBLY CAN, OR OTHERWISE I AM STUCK VOMITING REPEATEDLY THROUGHOUT THE REST OF MY DAY.   
CG: SO COUNT YOURSELF LUCKY, PUNK. I DEIGN TO TALK TO YOU TODAY.   
CG: BECAUSE I AM THAT DESPERATE.   
EB: oh hi! what's up karkat?   
CG: I AM HAVING TROUBLES. WITH DAVE. AND SEX.   
EB: oh wow! that makes me very uncomfortable.   
CG: FUCK.   
EB: sorry, it's just that it's dave? like, haha, wow, i can't even imagine dave naked without laughing! i bet he'd totally still wear his shades. that's so fucking funny!   
EB: actually, i'm feeling better about this.   
EB: what's your problem karkat?   
CG: IT'S JUST… AUGH. THIS IS VERY PERSONAL, OK!   
EB: ok.   
CG: WHICH MEANS NO TELLING ANYONE!   
EB: no telling anyone, except for terezi and vriska. got it.   
CG: NO! NO TELLING *ANYONE*! ESPECIALLY NOT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS!   
EB: wait, really? not even my girlfriends?   
CG: NO! JESUS, NO! DO NOT TELL TEREZI OR VRISKA ABOUT MY OR DAVE'S SEX LIVES!   
EB: what about rose?   
CG: DO NOT TELL TEREZI, VRISKA, ROSE, JADE, KANAYA, NEPETA, EQUIUS, TAVROS, GAMZEE, ARADIA, SOLLUX, ERIDAN, OR FEFERI ABOUT OUR SEX LIVES!!!   
EB: damn.   
EB: are you saying i shouldn't tell anyone?   
CG: YES??? YOU MORON??? THAT IS WHAT I JUST SAID ARE YOU READING WHAT IT IS THAT YOU'RE FUCKING TYPING??? ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID??? JUNE EGBERT???   
EB: what about my dad?   
CG: …   
CG: ARE YOU   
CG: ARE THESE JOKES.   
EB: possibly.   
CG: I REGRET ALL OF THIS CONVERSATION.   
CG: I NEED YOU TO PROMISE ME THAT YOU WON'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT OUR SEX LIVES.   
EB: ok, ok! i promise.   
CG: I'M SERIOUS, JUNE. DEAD SERIOUS. IF YOU TELL ANYONE I WILL CRY.   
EB: i won't tell anyone! i swear i was just kidding you, i wouldn't do that to dave.   
EB: he's fun to tease, but i don't want to hurt him! he's an insecure guy.   
CG: WAIT, BUT YOU'D DO THAT TO ME??   
EB: no! god. i just said dave because he's on my mind a lot. i miss him.   
CG: OH. HE HASN'T BEEN TALKING TO YOU?   
EB: not really! he messaged me a while back to gush about how hot you are, but then he disappeared.   
CG: OH, JESUS.   
CG: THAT'S KIND OF WHAT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT.   
CG: DAVE IS, DESPITE THE FUCKED UP CIRCUMSTANCE, A SURPRISINGLY GOOD BOYFRIEND. I WOULDN'T SAY HE IS IDEAL, BUT I REALLY KIND OF GENUINELY LIKE HIM.   
EB: aw, are you in love.   
CG: …   
CG: MAYBE???   
EB: oh whoa, what! i didn't mean that for real.   
EB: that's kind of awesome, i'm excited for you.   
CG: THANKS, I'M NOT SURE HOW HE FEELS ABOUT IT. I KEEP TRYING TO ASK, BUT THEN I'M LIKE "WHAT IF HE DOESN'T FEEL THE SAME WAY?"   
CG: I'D FUCKING DIE, HONESTLY.   
EB: aw, i'm sure he does though! you're totally his type, and he seemed pretty crazy about you when he was texting me!   
CG: REALLY?   
EB: yeah!   
CG: AAHHH.   
CG: OK, THAT'S NOT WHY I MESSAGED YOU THOUGH!   
CG: I MESSAGED YOU BECAUSE…   
CG: NORMALLY, I FEEL REALLY SELF CONSCIOUS ABOUT MYSELF AND… SEX.   
CG: AND I STILL DO! BUT, I ASKED HIM RECENTLY TO SUGGEST SEXUAL THINGS WE COULD DO. AND I LIKED IT?   
CG: AND I LIKED… SUGGESTING THINGS BACK.   
CG: IS THAT WEIRD?   
CG: I KIND OF THINK THAT IT IS, BECAUSE I GET SORT OF UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN I THINK OF OTHER PEOPLE THINKING I'M HOT. EVEN PEOPLE I THINK ARE HOT BACK. BUT WHEN HE DOES IT IT'S OK?   
CG: I JUST DON'T GET WHY THAT IS, AND IT'S SORT OF STRESSING ME THE FUCK OUT?   
EB: you probably just feel comfortable with him.   
CG: ??   
EB: well, you've been dating for a good couple of months now, and i don't think you've ever dated anyone before? so you're probably just more comfortable with him than you've been with other people before.   
EB: which i think is actually pretty normal!   
CG: REALLY??   
EB: sure!   
EB: like, i wouldn't be comfortable with people who aren't my girlfriends seeing me naked really. it would be weird.   
EB: here's another way to think about it: are you having fun?   
CG: YEAH.   
EB: is it safe?   
CG: BIZARRELY, YES.   
EB: do you want to keep doing it?   
CG: I THINK SO???   
EB: then do what you want! geez.   
EB: weirdo.   
CG: OK, OK! JESUS.   
EB: so like have you guys actually had sex? or did you just talk about it.   
CG: WE TALKED ABOUT IT. WAIT, YOU KNOW WE'RE IN TWO DIFFERENT STATES, RIGHT?   
EB: yeah!   
EB: wait.   
EB: no!   
EB: where do you live???   
CG: ANCHORAGE.   
EB: oh.   
CG: … WHICH IS IN ALASKA, JUNE.   
EB: oh!   
EB: yeah, that's pretty far from la.   
CG: YEAH.   
EB: wow that sucks. are you guys going to visit each other?   
CG: UH. HM. I HAVEN'T THOUGHT THAT FAR AHEAD.   
EB: you should! not for sex. or maybe for sex? i was thinking like, just for fun. i mean i've never gone to anchorage but la is pretty cool. a little warm though, and waaaaaaaay too many fugly trees. what's with those trees???   
CG: WHAT TREES? PALM TREES???   
EB: yeah! they're hideous!   
CG: I'VE NEVER SEEN THEM. WHEN DID YOU GO TO LA??   
EB: a while ago! we all met up a few years ago. by all i mean like, me jade dave and rose. and also terezi vriska and kanaya, because like. girlfriends.   
CG: CHRIST. ALL OUR FRIENDS REALLY ARE GIRLS.   
EB: hey, they are! that's cool.   
CG: IS IT.   
EB: absolutely. thanks for being our friend karkat!   
CG: …   
EB: karkat vantas: friend to all women. like gamera!   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK.   
EB: oops, i have to go!   
EB: can you do me a favor?   
CG: WHAT?   
EB: could you harass dave into messaging me, please? he really has seemed to have dropped me. it's bumming me the fuck out.   
CG: OH HELL. SORRY.   
CG: I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO, BUT I CAN'T EVEN GET HIM TO TALK TO JADE.   
EB: uuuuuuuugh, don't remind me!   
EB: jade's been talking to me non-stop because i guess dave won't talk to her and then she's having problems with rose??   
CG: OH MY GOD, I HADN'T EVEN THOUGHT OF THAT.   
EB: like, oh you wanted to have sex with a married couple who's never done that before and now it's crashing around your ears?? what a big fucking surprise!   
EB: you're not special, everyone's done that!   
EB: oh, you blew up at your friend and now he's shut himself in his room for like a month again? big deal!   
EB: he wasn't talking to me either! god.   
EB: wait   
CG: ?   
EB: ok, sorry. it was just vriska.   
EB: she really wants me to get off the phone, apparently we have to akaganwjd z?;uaha   
CG: ???   
EB: Heeeeeeeey, Karkat! ::::)   
CG: CHRIST NO. NOT TODAY! 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

EB: haha!   
EB: got him. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was watching Netflix and forgot to update, lmao.
> 
> Happy birthday, Karkat *hides February calendar behind my back*.
> 
> Next update is either tomorrow or the day after. I have the chapter half finished, and I am doing things with friends today.
> 
> Edit: no update tomorrow after all! See you day after.

DAVE: i mean i never liked haida  
KARKAT: YOU KEEP SAYING THAT AND YOU'RE WRONG!! HE'S GREAT BOYFRIEND MATERIAL!!!  
DAVE: yeah but hes never going to be more than material if he doesnt get himself together and make the damn jacket  
DAVE: for a guy who dresses all punk and shit he sure doesnt want to take any fuckin risks  
KARKAT: WHATEVER.  
DAVE: what  
DAVE: are you mad  
KARKAT: NO.  
DAVE: babe no  
DAVE: hes just a fake furry in a show its fine he isnt real  
KARKAT: I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT ASS WAS A BETTER CHOICE FOR A BOYFRIEND.  
DAVE: oh he wasnt he sucks too  
DAVE: im just saying haida is kind of a weak bitch  
KARKAT: NO HE'S NOT!!!  
DAVE: ok ok sorry  
DAVE: ill quit it like im mostly joking its ok  
KARKAT: OH, I THOUGHT WE WERE-  
DAVE: oh youre just-  
KARKAT: I MEAN I REALLY DO LIKE HIM BEST, AND I THINK YOU'RE WRONG AND INCORRECT AND TERRIBLE, BUT I WAS PLAYING IT UP.  
KARKAT: FOR THE DRAMA.  
DAVE: i get it my bad  
DAVE: haida sucks  
KARKAT: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
KARKAT: HE'S DEFINITELY GOING TO ASK HER OUT NEXT SEASON.  
DAVE: he wont  
DAVE: hell hem and haw and go i dunno and then someone else will date her again  
DAVE: no but really how many times has this happened now didnt she do that last season  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
DAVE: aw dont cry hes definitely going to get her  
KARKAT: I'M NOT CRYING.  
DAVE: thats the thing with shows especially shows like this  
DAVE: that kinda nice guy who the girl doesnt notice in the beginning character always wins  
DAVE: every time  
KARKAT: TRUE.  
KARKAT: THE EXCEPTION IS IF SHE MET A GUY WHO'S A TOTAL ASSHOLE IN THE FIRST EPISODE AND THEY HATE EACH OTHER'S GUTS. THEN HE'S THE WINNER.  
DAVE: right  
DAVE: this far along in the show if they introduced a guy like that then it would be just to cause tension  
KARKAT: A LOVE INTEREST RED HERRING. SEEN IT BEFORE.  
KARKAT: PRACTICALLY THIS WHOLE SHOW, IT SEEMS.  
DAVE: lmao  
KARKAT: SPEAKING OF… LOVE INTERESTS?  
DAVE: sure  
KARKAT: I TALKED TO SOMEONE. ABOUT THE THING I SAID I NEEDED TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT. AND NOW I'M READY TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT.  
DAVE: oh right good  
DAVE: havent been worrying about that at all  
KARKAT: YEAH. SO, YOU ASKED ME HOW I WANTED TO BE PERCEIVED SEXUALLY.  
DAVE: oh yeah  
KARKAT: AND I WAS LIKE "I DON'T," BUT THEN I PROCEEDED TO GO ALONG WITH WHAT YOU SAID? AND WE WERE BOTH LIKE "HM! THAT WAS WEIRD," LATER.  
DAVE: yes  
KARKAT: WELL, I TALKED ABOUT IT. AND THEN THOUGHT ABOUT IT INDEPENDENTLY. AND I DECIDED THAT I DID THAT BECAUSE I WAS COMFORTABLE WITH YOU. AND I'M OK TALKING TO YOU ABOUT SEXUAL THINGS.  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: what exactly does that mean  
DAVE: like do you want more explicit pictures are we going to have phone sex or do you just want to talk about hypothetical sex preferences every once in a-

Ding!  
Ding!

KARKAT: ???  
DAVE: uh

\-- cuddlefishCuller [CC] has opened memo "HAPPY BIRTHDAY KARKAT!!!" in PESTERGANG SERVER --

CC: AAAAAAAAAAA)()()()()()( )(APPY BIRT)(DAY KARKAT!!!  
GG: omg happy bday!!!  
CG: GUYS, NOT RIGHT NOW.  
EB: happy birth day karkat! you suck.  
TA: you 2uck 2o fuckiing much.  
AC: :33 < *ac wiggles her little butt before pouncing upon her cherished friend of over a decade! beclaws it is his birthday. she gives him a gentle lick on the cheek and purrs.*  
AC: :33 < *owo, what's this? she has a little present in her mouth. it has a tiny bow! my, what could be inside! it is love. the present is filled with love.*  
CG: WHAT, SO YOUR DUMB CAT CHARACTER GAVE ME AN EMPTY BOX WITH A BOW ON IT? FOR MY BIRTHDAY?  
AC: :33 < yes. :33c  
AG: Happy 8irthday, Karkat Vantas!  
CG: THANKS, VRISKA SERKET.

DAVE: this is killing me  
KARKAT: I'M SORRY, AUGH.  
DAVE: hahaha

GA: My Apologies For Being Late  
GA: Happy Birthday Dearest Friend  
CG: I'M FLATTERED, THANK YOU. YOU AREN'T LATE THOUGH, IT'S LITERALLY A GROUP MEMO.  
AA: happy birthday!  
CG: THANKS.  
AC: :33 < kitty, where's dave??  
CG: WE ARE LITERALLY ON A CALL. YOU'RE ALL INTERRUPTING.  
EB: oh, are we doing a video call?  
GG: group call! group call!  
CA: happy bday kar im really sorry i guess but im at a field site right noww so i cant join the group call but youre a great friend evven if you dont wwatch my vvids  
CA: ok bye  
CG: WE AREN'T DOING A GROUP CALL.  
TG: im fine doing a group call  
CG: NO!  
CC: wait are we doing a group call or not??  
CT: D --> Happy birthday, Karkat.

\-- centaursTesticle [CT] has left the memo --

KARKAT: I HATE THIS SHIT. I'M ALWAYS LEFT FEELING LIKE I NEED TO THANK EVERYONE INDIVIDUALLY, BUT THEN IT GETS REPETITIVE. I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY.  
KARKAT: ESPECIALLY TO PEOPLE LIKE EQUIUS. LIKE, I DON'T… HATE? EQUIUS? HE'S MOSTLY JUST CREEPY AND ANNOYING. HE LEAVES ME ALONE, SO I DON'T REALLY THINK ABOUT HIM.  
KARKAT: BUT I DEFINITELY DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY TO HIM.  
KARKAT: I GUESS IT'S GOOD THAT HE LEFT.  
DAVE: right

TT: Happy birthday, Karkat.  
CG: THANKS.  
TT: You know, I think this is the first time I've seen you and Dave in the same chat since the reveal. Perhaps you could tell us about your relationship? Such as, for example, how you both met and decided that the other was a viable romantic partner?  
CG: OR WE COULD ASK HOW YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS GOING ROSE! I'M SURE NOTHING IS MAKING YOU DIG INTO THE LIVES OF OTHERS IN AN ATTEMPT TO KEEP YOURSELF DISTRACTED FROM YOUR OWN SHORTCOMINGS.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] has left the memo --

TG: that was really mean  
GG: yeah what the fuck!!!  
TG: especially since we met via dog gif  
EB: oh my god, what?  
EB: dude, that sounds so fake.  
TA: what dog giif.  
TG: i dont remember  
TA: you met viia dog giif but can't remember whiich dog giif iit wa2. that'2 liike forgettiing your anniiver2ary.  
GG: it was a gif of a dog that looks like bernie sanders.  
TA: doe2n't exii2t.  
GG: huh???  
TG: uh  
CG: HE SEARCHED FOR IT. FOUND NOTHING.  
TA: exactly. what dog giif are you talking about?  
TA: unle22 you are lyiing.

KARKAT: THIS IS WHY I TRIED TO DISTRACT THEM.  
DAVE: yeah i get it now

TG: thats because we did lie  
TG: karkat had some great bernie sanders dog puns and we thought itd be funny  
GG: hes right they are funny!  
TA: ok.  
TG: what thats it no more questions  
TA: ii don't really giive a 2hiit.  
GG: im trying not to meddle anymore!  
GA: Your Boyfriend Just Insulted My Marriage  
EB: i don't really care how you got together, as long as you're doing ok.  
AC: :33 < I want to hear it…  
CC: are we doing t)(e video call???  
CG: WE ARE NOT DOING A CALL AT ALL. NO CALLS. EXCEPT FOR ME AND DAVE.  
CG: ACTUALLY, I WOULD LIKE TO GET BACK TO THAT.  
CG: IT'S MY BIRTHDAY AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT.  
CG: SO.  
CG: BYE BITCHES.  
AC: :33 < ok bye!!  
GG: you arent even going to apologise to rose???

DAVE: i have a question  
KARKAT: SHOOT.  
DAVE: why didnt you tell me it was your birthday  
KARKAT: I DON'T REALLY CELEBRATE IT. WELL, I DO, BUT USUALLY IT'S BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE DOES. DAD DOESN'T ANYMORE, EITHER.  
DAVE: its just that i would have like bought you a present or something  
KARKAT: OH! THAT'S NOT NECESSARY. I DON'T REALLY CARE.  
KARKAT: BIRTHDAYS ARE JUST ANOTHER THING THAT HAPPENS. SO I'M TWENTY FIVE NOW. WHO CARES.  
DAVE: wait youre older than me the fuck  
KARKAT: YEAH?  
DAVE: what i thought you were turning twenty four  
KARKAT: SURPRISE, BITCH.  
DAVE: man i dont want to be the baby  
KARKAT: GOOD, BECAUSE I WILL TREAT YOU LIKE AN ADULT.  
DAVE: fine  
KARKAT: FINE.  
DAVE: great  
KARKAT: WHATEVER.  
DAVE: what were we talking about before this  
KARKAT: I DON'T REMEMBER. SOMETHING ABOUT SEX?  
DAVE: right boundaries  
DAVE: do you want nudes do you want to tell me your wet dreams like whats the current limit on that what are you feeling  
KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW.  
KARKAT: I DON'T WANT TO SPRING THINGS ON YOU, BUT I ALSO DON'T WANT TO…  
KARKAT: I MEAN IF I SAY SOMETHING I COULD EITHER LIMIT MYSELF OR GET TOO CRAZY AND ACCIDENTALLY SCAR MYSELF.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: we can play it by ear and just ask each other before doing things  
DAVE: if that sounds safe to you  
KARKAT: IT DOES. THANKS.  
DAVE: no problem  
KARKAT: THE NEXT THING I WANTED TO ASK.  
DAVE: yep  
KARKAT: ARE YOU  
KARKAT: DO YOU, UH,  
KARKAT: HM.  
DAVE: ??  
KARKAT: UM, YOU'RE DATING ME FOR REAL, RIGHT? WE AREN'T FAKE DATING REALLY? LIKE, I'M YOUR REAL BOYFRIEND?  
DAVE: uh yeah thats been the case for a while  
KARKAT: RIGHT, YEAH.  
KARKAT: SO I GUESS WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY IS…  
DAVE: …  
KARKAT: I REALLY LIKE YOU?  
DAVE: i like you too lmao  
DAVE: like obviously  
KARKAT: RIGHT.  
DAVE: hearts and all that  
DAVE: less than three  
KARKAT: LESS THAN THREE.  
DAVE: haha this is awkward  
DAVE: did you think we were still fake boyfriends and that i didnt like you  
KARKAT: NO.  
KARKAT: MAYBE.  
DAVE: ok well we arent i l- i like you a lot  
DAVE: like i really really like you and im really glad were dating  
KARKAT: YES! SAME.  
DAVE: like in a way that makes me painfully cringe at how i was a dick to you when we were kids when i could have been trying to mack on you this entire time  
KARKAT: RIGHT!  
DAVE: and like of course i like you the appropriate amount for a guy whos been on friendly terms with their boyfriend for roughly five months  
KARKAT: EXACTLY. SAME HERE.  
KARKAT: I LIKE YOU EXACTLY AS MUCH AS IS NORMAL FOR SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN DATING FOR FIVE MONTHS AFTER NOT REALLY KNOWING THE PERSON IN QUESTION.  
DAVE: good im glad were on the same page  
KARKAT: YES, AGREED.  
DAVE: excellent  
KARKAT: WE SHOULD, UH, DO SOMETHING.  
DAVE: for your birthday  
KARKAT: I MEANT TO DULL THE INCREDIBLY AWKWARD ATMOSPHERE WE JUST CREATED, BUT WE CAN ALSO CLAIM IT'S FOR MY BIRTHDAY.  
DAVE: cool  
DAVE: shit i think i still- yeah  
DAVE: tada  
KARKAT: WHERE DID YOU GET THAT??  
DAVE: left over from my bday last year  
DAVE: we all wore party hats  
KARKAT: OH. THAT'S COOL.  
KARKAT: BY "WE" DO YOU MEAN ALL OF THE CHAT OR JUST YOU GUYS? AND I GUESS KANAYA TEREZI AND VRISKA?  
DAVE: the second one  
DAVE: look i like the server but theres a lot of people in it i really just like my main besties  
DAVE: comrades  
DAVE: bros and hoes  
KARKAT: SURE.  
DAVE: what would you do actually if you got to celebrate how you want  
KARKAT: THIS IS WHAT I'D DO? I DON'T THINK BIRTHDAYS ARE THAT FUN OR EXCITING. I LIKE THE PART WHERE I EAT A CAKE, I GUESS. AND WHEN DAD GAVE ME PRESENTS.  
KARKAT: BUT IT SEEMED IMMATURE TO CELEBRATE AFTER A WHILE. SO I ASKED DAD TO QUIT IT, AND I STOPPED THROWING VIRTUAL PARTIES AND SHIT.  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: dont take this the wrong way because like all my friends were virtual until i was in high school  
DAVE: but have you met anyone from the chat at all???  
KARKAT: …  
KARKAT: NO.  
KARKAT: CONGRATS, DAVE. YOU'VE LEARNED MY BIGGEST SECRET:  
KARKAT: I'VE NEVER HAD A REAL LIFE FRIEND AND HAVE PRETTY MUCH EXCLUSIVELY JUST TALKED TO PEOPLE IN OTHER STATES.  
DAVE: damn  
DAVE: im gonna be your first irl friend  
DAVE: by friend i mean boyfriend though because i am very attached to you now in a dumb intimate way  
KARKAT: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.  
DAVE: wdym  
DAVE: im going to visit you obviously  
KARKAT: NO YOU AREN'T.  
DAVE: well its either that or you come here  
KARKAT: I AM NOT DOING THAT.  
DAVE: so im going to alaska got it  
KARKAT: THAT'S- THAT'S NOT.  
KARKAT: BUT WHAT IF YOU HATE ALASKA???  
DAVE: hey you think ive never seen snow im from new york it snows buckets there  
KARKAT: GROSS.  
DAVE: no but really ill love it and i want to meet you  
KARKAT: MEET ME…  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: this isnt immediate though like im not literally buying a plane ticket right now obviously lol  
DAVE: because i have to get time off work and figure out when the best time i can go is and im sure your dad isnt ready for a visitor or even  
DAVE: like idk if id be in a hotel or anything obviously this isnt planned yet this is just something im telling you im willing to do  
KARKAT: RIGHT.  
KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW. I'LL LET YOU KNOW?  
DAVE: hella  
KARKAT: THANK YOU.  
KARKAT: FOR… WANTING TO HELP ME SOCIALIZE, I GUESS.  
DAVE: its fine babe  
KARKAT: I REALLY HAVE TO COME UP WITH A PET NAME FOR YOU.  
DAVE: yeah get on that bitch


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good afternoon! Hope you all had a good day yesterday. Here's some davekat.
> 
> Next chapter is tomorrow, and I personally really like it.
> 
> Edit: FORGOT TO MENTION I picked the name Apple randomly, if that's a real fashion label then that's not intentional and I am not endorsing any random clothing brands!

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: DAVE? ARE YOU THERE?   
CG: DAVE? 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

TG: sorry i fell asleep   
TG: im only up for a short while i have to get dinner and then go to bed   
CG: WHY?   
TG: because i open tomorrow   
CG: OH.   
CG: SORRY, IT JUST SEEMS LIKE WE DON'T TALK VERY MUCH ANYMORE.   
TG: im sorry i swear its not on purpose   
TG: im just working   
CG: I KNOW.   
CG: UGH, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE CLINGY ONE!!   
TG: yeah well   
TG: i mean it makes sense its not like you do anything all day   
CG: I DO THINGS.   
TG: like what   
CG: I WRITE.   
CG: AND I'M TIRED A LOT SO I SLEEP.   
CG: AND I PLAY STARDEW VALLEY.   
CG: AND ANIMAL CROSSING.   
CG: YOU KNOW, NORMAL PEOPLE THINGS.   
TG: yeah   
TG: im kind of concerned about that?   
CG: WHY.   
TG: because you have depression and you dont seem to do anything that would really help that   
TG: like have you ever seen a therapist or like gone to a doctor   
TG: do you even do chores ive never heard you say you cook or anything   
CG: I HATE COOKING.   
TG: have you even tried it   
CG: NO, BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER.   
CG: NO ONE ACTUALLY LIKES COOKING.   
TG: i like cooking   
CG: LIAR.   
TG: i do actually   
TG: i wasnt really allowed to like   
TG: have a clean living space or eat food that wasnt taco bell or frozen nuggets   
TG: or i guess i was but it was really hard and he didnt really teach me how to do anything so i always followed his terrible example   
TG: so yeah i actually like shoving broccoli into a pan seeing it get all bright green and then eating it   
TG: i eat an orange   
TG: and its like   
TG: oh thank god i wont die of scurvy   
TG: you know   
CG: I GUESS.   
CG: I DONT REALLY EAT ORANGES OR ANYTHING.   
TG: karkat i say this in the nicest way possible   
TG: but youre going to die of scurvy   
CG: NO I WON'T!!!   
TG: you will im so sorry its fact   
TG: ill be weeping over your coffin in one of those black hats with a veil like why oh why couldnt my lover have eaten a single lemon   
CG: SIGH.   
TG: anyway i am genuinely surprised you dont cook   
TG: you give me wife vibes   
CG: YES, I KNOW.   
CG: ARGUABLY I AM BOYWIFE MATERIAL.   
TG: absolutely but also you dont cook or clean so im like shit   
TG: katfished   
CG: FUCK OFF.   
CG: I'M A BOYWIFE, I'M JUST MORE OF A BOYWIFE IN THE WAY I DRESS AND TREAT OTHER BOYS.   
TG: that makes no sense have a nice night   
CG: ALSO, I KNOW YOU'RE JOKING, BUT I LIKE THE IDEA OF BEING A WIFE BETTER THAN A HUSBAND??? HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT.   
TG: yes   
TG: it gives me hives   
TG: i dont mind joking about being a wife but honest to god i get called one and i scream internally   
TG: im a husband or a partner   
CG: NO, YEAH, UNDERSTANDABLE.   
CG: I DON'T KNOW, I THINK WIFE SOUNDS NICE. PARTNER ALSO SOUNDS GOOD THOUGH. HUSBAND ISN'T TOO BAD.   
CG: SIGNIFICANT OTHER...   
CG: LOVERS A BIT TOO FLOWERY.   
TG: concubine   
CG: NO!   
TG: would you want to get married   
TG: not to me just in general   
CG: YES.   
TG: no hesitation   
CG: NO HESITATION.   
CG: I WANT TO LIVE IN A COTTAGE IN THE COUNTRYSIDE. MY PARTNER GOES INTO TOWN FOR WORK, AND I STAY HOME WITH OUR TWO CHILDREN AND WRITE MY NOVEL.   
CG: MAYBE WE HAVE CHICKENS.   
TG: how would you take care of chickens and live in the countryside and take care of two kids if you dont know how to cook or clean and you make your dad do it   
CG: …   
CG: THE SUBURBS ARE ALSO NICE.   
TG: oh my fuck no karkat not the suburbs   
TG: i swear to god if you mention plastic furniture   
CG: WHAT'S WRONG WITH PLASTIC FURNITURE? IT'S EASIER TO CLEAN.   
TG: its not easier to clean augh   
TG: fuck dude no   
CG: IT'D BE NICE. I COULD MAKE APPLE PIE.   
TG: again you do not know how to do that   
TG: who cooks dinners anyway   
CG: MY HUSBAND DOES.   
TG: but you cook pie   
CG: YES!   
TG: this is stupid   
TG: babe your dreams are stupid   
CG: WHAT IF I LIVED ON A RANCH.   
TG: youd be *miserable* lmao   
CG: MAYBE…   
CG: WHAT WOULD YOU WANT TO DO?   
TG: oh jesus   
TG: i dont know   
TG: i wanted to be a comics artist   
CG: SO DO THAT?   
TG: yeah but its hard   
TG: ok heres the thing this is how it is   
TG: so you want to be a comics artist   
TG: but you need money right so you take up a job as a cashier but then cashier only pays so much so you take up more hours   
TG: but more hours as a cashier means less hours making comics   
TG: now youre a cashier   
TG: just a cashier   
CG: …   
CG: DAVE?   
TG: i guess i always wanted to stay home and draw right like thats the ideal   
TG: and then id live in an apartment with my wife or husband or partner   
CG: WHAT ABOUT KIDS?   
TG: haha wow no   
CG: WHAT???   
TG: for the safety of whatever future children i could have its best if i didnt do that   
CG: NO, YOU'D BE GREAT!   
TG: no i wouldnt   
TG: im still trying to unlearn everything my dad taught me ok   
TG: i dont want to unsuspectingly pass that on to some miserable child   
CG: …   
CG: I DON'T THINK YOU'D BE BAD. AND YOU WOULDN'T DO IT ALONE.   
TG: i mean i never said i would   
TG: but its not like im having kids any time soon lol i mean i dont   
TG: have anyone to have   
TG: kids with   
CG: RIGHT.   
TG: because i mean   
CG: YEAH, RIGHT.   
CG: BECAUSE WE'VE ONLY BEEN DATING RECENTLY.   
TG: right exactly   
CG: AND THERE'S NO GUARANTEE WE'D HAVE KIDS OR GET MARRIED OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT!!   
TG: of course not   
CG: BUT YOU WOULD GET MARRIED?   
TG: yes   
CG: NOT TO ME, I MEAN IN GENERAL.   
TG: yes i would   
CG: YEAH. COOL!   
TG: yeah i thought about it a lot actually in my teens   
TG: i had the option to change my name when mom got custody but i didnt do it   
TG: and i was like its fine ill take my wifes last name or something   
TG: and then i kind of   
TG: thought about it a lot   
TG: being in love enough to get married and be part of their family   
TG: which like no offense to mom and rose at all of course i love them but like   
TG: thats really nice to me the idea that i can make my own connections like that independent of my family   
TG: like look at kanaya i got a whole new sister and my mom dotes on her and is always sending her clothes and bath bombs and shit   
TG: i wanna be kanaya   
TG: i want to have a partner i love and be someone who my in laws can be proud of   
CG: THAT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL, DAVE.   
TG: shut up   
CG: ARE YOU BLUSHING.   
TG: im not   
CG: I BET YOU ARE.   
TG: shut up go away stop messaging me   
TG: i need to finish making these noodles   
CG: I WANT NOODLES.   
TG: come over   
CG: FUCK OFF.   
TG: my parents arent home   
CG: WHAT ABOUT JADE.   
TG: fuck you got me there 

TG: ok im back i have noodles   
CG: SHUT UP ABOUT NOODLES.   
TG: when i come over ill cook for you   
CG: YOU AREN'T COMING OVER.   
TG: i will trust me   
TG: youll have to plan things for us to do   
CG: FINE.   
TG: ugh i gotta buy shorts   
CG: SHORTS?   
TG: yeah its fucking hot out here dude   
TG: they only let us wear blue jorts though at work so i cant wear any of my shorts i own because theyre black   
TG: so i gotta buy some   
CG: HUH.   
CG: I NEVER WEAR SHORTS.   
TG: well yeah obviously it snows like all the time there so   
TG: ok wait i understand the sweaters thing now   
CG: YES, BUT I MEAN I DISLIKE WEARING THEM. SO.   
TG: ah   
TG: i bet youd look cute   
CG: I GUESS.   
CG: WHY ARE YOU WEARING THEM AT WORK?   
TG: uh because its fucking hot in la   
CG: YEAH, BUT ISN'T IT AIR CONDITIONED? YOU WORK AT A GROCERY STORE.   
TG: i cant drive so i have to take the bus there   
CG: YOU CAN'T DRIVE???   
TG: no its actually a bit of a problem   
TG: traffic here is really bad and the bus system isnt that good   
TG: maybe i should invest in a bike actually   
CG: I'VE NEVER RIDDEN A BIKE. OR TAKEN THE BUS. OR DRIVEN.   
CG: FUCK, MY LIFE IS SAD AS HELL.   
TG: yeah it sort of is   
TG: when i come over well go places   
CG: HOW.   
CG: YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE AND YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO THIS TOWN.   
TG: …   
TG: hm   
TG: wait so do you not own shorts like not even a single pair   
CG: NO. I DON'T OWN SHORTS, OR A BATHING SUIT.   
CG: I DID BUY BOXERS A WHILE BACK.   
TG: yeah?   
CG: YEAH, I TRIED THEM ON BUT IT WAS A MISTAKE THEY LOOK SO STUPID.   
TG: i doubt it   
TG: i dont wear boxers though maybe they just suck   
CG: NO, I'M SURE IT'S ME.   
CG: I JUST WASN'T MADE FOR THEM.   
TG: *they werent made for you   
CG: SURE.   
TG: i can always tell you if they look good you know   
CG: DON'T YOU NEED TO GO TO BED?   
TG: yes but i like you   
CG: SORRY BABY, NO PANTY SHOTS.   
TG: damn   
TG: maybe you should buy shorts   
CG: YOU CAN GASP AT THE LITTLE AMOUNT OF LEG I SHOW YOU.   
TG: exactly   
TG: thighs got me swooning   
CG: SIGH.   
TG: no sighs unless theyre contented   
CG: PICK ME UP SOME SHORTS AT FAST FASHION. I ASSUME THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE BUYING YOURS.   
TG: what   
CG: FAST FASHION?   
CG: YOU SAID IT'S A STORE FOR SEXY EGIRLS.   
TG: what no what   
TG: fast fashion is a type of industry   
CG: WHAT?   
TG: no the store was called apple   
TG: fast fashion is a type of industry that produces clothing really cheaply and quickly but like at the expense of human rights   
CG: ...AND YOU BUY FROM A STORE THAT USES THAT?   
TG: well   
TG: yeah   
TG: thats why i said its bad   
CG: DAVE THAT'S REALLY BAD.   
TG: ok but i look hot right   
turntechGodhead has sent an attachment   
CG: YES, BUT THAT'S NOT RELEVANT!   
TG: it kind of is though <3   
TG: ill pick you up some apple clothes tho dont test me on that   
CG: HHHHMMM.   
TG: youre thinking about it~   
CG: I DON'T KNOW.   
TG: itll be cute we could match   
CG: I DON'T KNOW!!!   
CG: FIND SOME CUTE CLOTHES FROM AN INDIE BRAND OR SOMETHING.   
TG: those are expensive   
CG: UGH, WHATEVER.   
TG: nah nah ill see what i can do   
TG: what size are you   
CG: I'LL SEND MY MEASUREMENTS LATER.   
TG: measurements   
TG: im asking like size like are you an l or an xl or what   
CG: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?   
CG: I HAVE MY MEASUREMENTS SO KANAYA CAN MAKE ME CLOTHES.   
TG: no way you have clothes from kanaya   
CG: YEAH, BUT I NEVER WEAR THEM.   
TG: holy shit dude i have a suit she made me and its the nicest thing ive ever worn you have got to be kidding me   
CG: OH THEY'RE ALL VERY NICE BUT IT'S NOT LIKE I GO ANYWHERE FOR THEM TO BE SEEN.   
TG: wear them on your couch eating oreos   
CG: I DON'T WANT THEM TO GET DIRTY…   
TG: fine damn whatever   
TG: send me your measurements or   
TG: nvm ill ask kanaya what your sizes are   
CG: OK.   
TG: i miss kanaya i havent talked to her in a while   
CG: YOU ALSO HAVEN'T TALKED TO JUNE.   
TG: oh shit youre right   
TG: ill text her tomorrow morning   
CG: GOOD BOY.   
TG: oooooh roleplay   
CG: I AM NOT ROLEPLAYING.   
CG: BUT IF I WAS, I WOULD BE SWATTING YOU WITH A ROLLED UP NEWSPAPER.   
TG: yes sir harder sir   
CG: AUGH!   
TG: lmao   
CG: ARE YOU DONE EATING YET? PLEASE GO TO SLEEP SOON.   
TG: ok ok   
TG: dont stay up too long yourself alright   
CG: FINE.   
TG: love you   
TG: wait fuck   
TG: night bye 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

CG: WAIT, NO!!!   
CG: I LOVE YOU TOO!!!   
CG: FUCK!!! 


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this one's good.
> 
> Next chapter is tomorrow.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: HEY, HI!  
CG: GOOD MORNING.  
CG: IT'S KARKAT.

"Fuck, wait, that's so stupid."

CG: YOU KNOW WHO I AM, THAT WAS STUPID.  
CG: GOOD MORNING! HOPE YOU SLEPT WELL.  
CG: DID YOU SEE WHAT I SENT LAST NIGHT?  
CG: BECAUSE EVEN IF YOU DIDN'T MEAN TO WRITE THAT, I WANT TO SAY THAT I DID.  
CG: MEAN IT, I MEAN.  
CG: UM, I LOVE YOU.  
CG: SO, I HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY AT WORK AND THAT IT GOES BY QUICKLY.  
CG: HOPE YOU DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH TOO MANY ASSHOLES.  
CG: YEAH.  
CG: <3  
CG: TAKE YOUR TIME ANSWERING, IT'S OK.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

TG: i meant it but i feel silly i didnt mean to send that ok  
TG: like im relieved honestly but i also didnt know if you liked me that much so  
TG: you know  
CG: I KNOW!  
CG: I'M GLAD YOU SAID IT FIRST.  
TG: also good morning thank you  
TG: i have to leave soon and i havent showered yet so like i cant stay and chat but thank you for telling me that  
TG: also go to sleep i know you didnt just wake up you probably stayed up all night  
CG: WELL, YEAH.  
CG: I HAD TROUBLE I KEPT THINKING ABOUT YOU.  
TG: thats  
TG: not sure how to respond but im very flattered actually augh ok i have to go ill call you around three thirty or four  
TG: love you  
CG: LOVE YOU!  
TG: <3  
CG: <3

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

"I have to make a pie."

Your dad lowers his textbook, a look of complete befuddlement on his face. "Why on Earth would you do that? You've never cooked before."

"Dave said I couldn't make one, and he's annoying and wrong so I have to prove I can." You scroll through your phone, searching for a recipe that doesn't look impossible. "It has to be apple because that's his favorite fruit. Fruit goes in pie, right? It's fruit?"

You're sitting at your dining room table, your father reading up on "legal progressions in trans law," while he eats some toast and orange juice. He doesn't eat a lot of heavier foods in the morning. You yourself are eating a bag of Lay's and a can of olives, which he makes no comment on.

He looks more excited than you had anticipated. "Fruit is commonly baked into pie, but nearly anything can go into one really. For instance, a pumpkin is not a fruit but rather a gourd. Likewise, chocolate, cream, and nuts are all non-fruits but are all acceptable ingredients. Several cultures eat pies that contain meat, and some use beans."

"That's disgusting, and also irrelevant information. Do we have, uh, all of this?" You shove your phone under his nose, and he carefully leans back to read it.

"We do, but you don't need to make a pie crust. We have that." Your father gets up, and glides into the kitchen. You follow.

Your kitchen is rather small, but it's enough for your dad to work in so it's never really been an issue you've cared about. The walls are a light green, and when your father opens the freezer you see several bags of berries, peas, carrots, chicken nuggets, corn, broccoli, fish, and other items that your father keeps on hand. You eye the berries. Those are fruit, right?

"Here." He hands you a large empty pie. You stare at it. "You just make the filling, and then you can bake it. We have apples in the fridge, and the cabinet to your left contains spices."

"Spices?"

"Yes? Cinnamon, sugar, clove, whatever else the recipe asks for. Read it."

You open your phone again, leaning with your back against the counter.

To make an apple pie, you apparently have to chop up a bunch of apples (at least 7??), and then mix the slices thoroughly with cinnamon, sugar, a different kind of sugar, and melted butter. You don't particularly like the idea of chopping things. It sounds like actual work.

"I prefer salted butter to unsalted." You jump at your dad sneaking right up next to you, but he doesn't flinch. "It calls for unsalted because they don't want it to be too salty, obviously. But in my opinion, the salt actually balances the flavor just a little bit and keeps it from getting too sweet. Of course, you can do whatever you please with your pie, Karkat."

"Ok, fine." You open your fridge and start pulling out apples.

You aren't the biggest fan of apples. When you were little, your father would order slices of apple for you in place of nuggets or french fries at the burger place near your house. You always felt incredibly betrayed, especially as the apples they used were typically mushy and tasteless compared to the rest of your meal.

Your father pulls a large bowl down from one of the cupboards, along with a large plastic thing you've seen him wash but not really understood the purpose of. You watch him as you run the apples under the kitchen faucet. God, there's so many.

"May I ask who Dave is?" Your father asks you as he sets the plastic thing on the counter and takes out a large knife with a black handle.

"Dave? He's my boyfriend."

Your dad drops the knife, which narrowly misses his foot.

"... I didn't tell you I have a boyfriend."

"No," he wheezes, "you did not. When did this happen? You don't leave the house. Are you dating online? Karkat, that's dangerous. Is that what you've been doing all day??"

He grabs your shoulders. "Karkat please tell me you did not send this man naked pictures of yourself."

"No, I- no! I'm dating him so that he won't send people naked pictures of himself!" You push him back, and turn back to washing your apples. Do you need soap? You add soap. "Or, I was. We actually really like each other. But I'm not doing anything like that, I promise! I know how dangerous that is."

Almost comically, your dad begins pacing the room while biting the nails on his left hand. "But you're still dating someone online. How do you know him? For how long have you known him? How do you know he is who he says he is? How old is he? What if he's actually sixty-five and tricking you? Has he asked to meet you anywhere?"

"Dad, I'm twenty-five." You dry your apples with a hand towel and place them next to the plastic thing, which you've gathered is probably for chopping the apples if the knife had anything to do with it. Speaking of which, you also bend down to pick up the knife as your dad neurotically paces. "I've known him since middle school, he used to date Terezi and he's roommates with Jade. Remember Jade? The one you saw on video call? He lives with her. We've also video called, and we've been dating since February. He's joked about visiting, but he's never pressured me about anything. He's fine."

"But you don't know that for certain! What if he does come here and he never leaves? What if he's after your money, he- oh good heavens. You're going to cut your fingers off."

You dad comes up from behind you, immediately adjusting your hands on the apple and knife. You can't seem to get a good grip on it, the apple wobbling around on the plastic as you try to shakily cut into it.

"You have to put your weight on it. Just a little bit, it's only an apple so it isn't as strong. Here, turn the apple like- there. Now it'll stay put a little easier. Try that." He pulls away, and you manage to slice it with surprisingly little effort. You marvel at it a little.

Good fucking Christ you are weak as hell. This shouldn't be that impressive.

Then again, you turn to see your dad look at you with actual tears in his eyes. "Holy shit, it's not that big of a deal, dude."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He grabs a paper towel and dabs at his eyes, leaning against the wall to do so. "It's just, you're cooking even if it's out of spite, and you have a boyfriend, and I didn't even know, and you even went and bought yourself underwear the other day, remember that? You actually picked something out."

"That was a while ago." You turn the apple over, and discover that the cut side makes it much less likely to slip now. "And anyway, it's just underwear for fucks sake. You act like I'm four."

"There's no shame in never having done things. Especially since you have now done those things."

"Yeah but the congratulating me on cutting a piece of fruit combined with the stranger danger reaction on Dave definitely makes it seem like you think I'm four. Like, dad." You dump your chunkily cut pieces into the bowl. "I am twenty-five. I know what I'm doing."

You can't see his expression, instead focusing on the next of seven more apples to cut, but you can perfectly envision his expression. He should have his arms crossed, his back perfectly straight, and his brow furrowed. He's biting his lower lip, or perhaps the inside of his cheek, and his eyes are darting around as he thinks of what to say to you next.

You finish cutting another apple. You're getting faster, but your hand is bizarrely starting to cramp.

"Tell me about him," your dad asks, his voice back to it's gentle, even tone.

You take a deep breath. "He's from Texas but he lived in New York for a while. He turns twenty-five in a few months. Right now he lives in L.A. with Jade, and he works as a cashier. He dropped out of art school but he wants to be a webcomics artist eventually. Personally, I think his art sucks shit but he's extremely funny so it could work. He likes the color red, his favorite animals are cats, and he likes movies that are smart and funny like _Princess Bride_ and _Spider-Verse_ and _The Producers_. He made me watch some bullshit called _Doctor Strange Love_ , but it was fucking terrible. Made me feel like shit the whole time. The movie, not Dave. We play _Animal Crossing_ sometimes, and his trees are cherries. He wanted apples. He has a _Sims_ game he's been running for two years, and one of them had sex with death and gave birth to some bizarre ghost child who grew up to be an accountant. He has avoidance tendencies, and he makes himself project some sort of fake ironic cool guy persona in order to make up for his masculinity issues. He once read my fanfic out loud as a joke but got invested and now comments long reviews on each update. He talks way too fucking much, but it's okay because I actually want to hear what he has to say? He likes buying weird costumes and having me judge them. I'm not sure what his goal is there. He's Black, and I think he dyes his hair blonde, but his eyes are naturally red like ours. He's really pretty. Like, in a way where I'm like 'there's no way he actually likes someone like me this much.' But then he does. He's always proving that he does, over and over."

You pause, your knife midway through the final apple. "Yesterday he accidentally said he loves me. I said I loved him back."

"Do you think he meant it?"

"Yes."

"Did you?"

"Yes."

"That's very sweet, Karkat."

You suppose it is.

Mixing the filling takes less time than you anticipated, but eventually you are able to pour it into the pie crust and bake at 350°. You wait for it on your couch, hyper aware of how little you spend time in the common areas of your house. Your dad sits across from you, continuing his reading.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about him."

He doesn't look up as he responds. "Pay it no mind. I understand your privacy complex, and I respect it. As long as you're aware that you can talk to me about whatever is going on in your life. Oh, and Karkat: my apologies for infantilizing you. You're correct, I should be supportive as you branch yourself out much."

"Right." You tap your foot with nerves. "Thank you."

He looks up briefly, just to give you a small smile.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has begun a call with carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

DAVE: hi <3 <3  
KARKAT: HELLO, DAVE.  
DAVE: …  
DAVE: is that-  
KARKAT: HOMEMADE APPLE PIE?? YES.  
DAVE: you made that??  
KARKAT: I DID.  
KARKAT: AND YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!
> 
> Warning for untagged mentions of transphobia, and domestic violence/abuse.
> 
> There should be a new chapter tomorrow.

DAVE: say hi jade  
JADE: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!! :D  
KARKAT: HI HARLEY.  
JADE: karkat your webcam is off!  
DAVE: hes shy  
JADE: karkat dont be shy i love you!!!  
KARKAT: UGH, I KNOW. GIVE ME A BREAK.  
JADE: but how will we see your super awesome costume. :(  
KARKAT: IT'S NOT READY YET.  
DAVE: aw no way youre actually wearing one i thought you were going to skimp out on me  
KARKAT: NO, DAVE.  
KARKAT: APPARENTLY YOU MANAGED TO FIND MY WEAKNESS AND CON ME INTO DRESSING UP FOR A HOLIDAY FOR CHILDREN.  
JADE: is the weakness your cute boyfriend?  
KARKAT: NO.  
DAVE: yes  
JADE: thats cute! you need to chill out some times, kk.  
DAVE: yeah dude chillax  
KARKAT: CHILLAX IS A DISGUSTING WORD.  
KARKAT: JUST SAY CHILL OR RELAX. YOU DON'T NEED TO COMBINE THEM!  
JADE: personally i am much more relaxed when i am warm. :p  
DAVE: nah the heat sucks  
JADE: dave you literally are the person who decided we should live here.  
DAVE: and i regret every minute of it

Jade whacks you with a pillow.

JADE: karkat what do you think of my costume? dont i look cool??  
KARKAT: YEAH, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHO THE FUCK YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE.  
JADE: im starbuck!  
JADE: ive started watching the show with june via pester a while back. its really fun!  
KARKAT: WHAT SHOW?  
DAVE: battlestar galactica  
JADE: its an old sci fi show from the 70s!  
JADE: fun fact: while i am dressed as the the original version of the character, who was a boy, she's later reimagined as a girl in the reboot!  
DAVE: trans rights  
JADE: trans rights!!!  
DAVE: fuck battlestar though its literally mormonism propoganda  
JADE: no its not!!!  
DAVE: it totally is its literally based on mormonism which is like  
DAVE: what is up with sci fi and people shoving religion in it  
DAVE: wizards dont get nearly as much of that business  
KARKAT: THAT SOUNDS UNLIKELY. I'M SURE PEOPLE SHOVE RELIGION INTO FANTASY ALL THE TIME.  
KARKAT: CASE IN POINT: THE FUCKING CHRONICLES OF NARNIA.  
JADE: silly karkat, there is no fucking in narnia!  
JADE: if you even so much as look at a guy you get banned from heaven i mean narnia!!  
KARKAT: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH MY DAD FUCKING HATED THOSE BOOKS.  
KARKAT: I COULD NOT CATCH A BREAK.  
KARKAT: MAYBE I JUST WANTED TO HEAR ABOUT THE MAGIC SNOWY PLACE WITH THE FRIENDLY TALKING LION, DAD!  
DAVE: ah but my dearest dickweed  
DAVE: you are not immune to propaganda  
JADE: theres a lot of fucked up content in all genres of media, i think.  
JADE: like, i think dune is kind of sexist?  
DAVE: dude who the fuck cares about dune that book sucks  
DAVE: and is long as hell i made it like halfway through and then was like actually i dont care  
JADE: theyre literally remaking dune, dave.  
DAVE: theyre remaking dune what  
KARKAT: WHAT'S??? DUNE???  
DAVE: its a sci fi novel series about a fucked up family that keeps causing problems  
KARKAT: THAT'S THE PLOT OF STAR WARS.  
DAVE: its is all the same shit honestly like star wars was just a rip off of buck rogers and other old serial films when you get down to it  
KARKAT: OK, YOU'RE REALLY LOSING ME NOW.  
KARKAT: I READ FUCKING. YA ROMANCE, GUYS.  
DAVE: yeah my bad i lived with rose i had to listen to her dune rants a lot  
JADE: youve at least read harry potter, right?  
KARKAT: NO.  
DAVE: no???  
KARKAT: I'VE NEVER READ HARRY POTTER. NEVER FELT THE NEED TO.  
DAVE: babe youve never cared about drarry??? you never had a drarry phase???  
KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK A "DRARRY" IS, BUT I HATE HOW IT SOUNDS WITH ALL MY ASS.  
KARKAT: THAT'S SUCH AN UNAPPEALING COMBINATIONS OF SYLLABLES. FUCK.  
JADE: yeah it really is.  
JADE: i liked ginny and luna, personally.  
DAVE: thats cute but i admittedly did not give a shit about harry potter  
KARKAT: YOU *JUST* MOCKED ME FOR NOT HAVING READ IT!  
DAVE: yeah because its like a basic book that every person our age has read  
DAVE: just because ive read it doesnt mean i had to have liked it  
DAVE: like hot take i guess but i dont think jkr is actually a good writer even if she wasnt a transphobic piece of shit who everyone still insists on giving piles of money to that she then uses to actively make the lives of british trans women harder  
DAVE: its always you can enjoy things critically  
DAVE: just separate the art from the artist  
DAVE: but then everyone gives that artist their lifes savings and refuse to admit how much of their work revolves around their shitty views

Your doorbell rings. Jade gets up off of the couch and grabs the giant plastic bowl of candy bars off the table on her way to the door.

"Trick or treat!"

"Aw, hi Brandon! Hey Melissa! Look at you!"

"Oh fuck, it's Brandon and Melissa? I mean, heck. I meant heck." You turn back to Karkat. "Give me a sec."

You rush over to the door in time to see your neighbor's kids, who you immediately give high fives to. You pull out your phone. "Hey homies, stand still for a sec this one goes on the fridge."

"I'm Minecraft Steve," says Melissa, which is good because otherwise you would have guessed "a normal person holding a cardboard sword."

You snap another picture of her pumping her sword into the air. "That's cool, that's cool. What's your gettup, Brandon?"

Brandon continues to hold onto his parent's leg, now burying his face into their pants fabric. His parent responds in his stead: "He's dressed as Max from _Wild Things_ , aren't you Brandon?"

Brandon doesn't reply, so Jade does instead. "That's super cool, Brandon! I love that book! Maybe we could read it when I visit next Saturday!"

"That's really nice of you. Of course, we like your costumes a lot too, don't we kids?"

"Yes!" Melissa shouts happily.

"And we're very thankful for the candy, of course. Why don't you thank Jade and Dave, hon?"

"Thank you! Um, Happy Halloween!"

"Happy Halloween," you both call out, as the adult leads their charges away and Jade closes the door. You rush back to your couch.

DAVE: sorry sorry its the next door kids  
KARKAT: OH, RIGHT.  
KARKAT: THAT'S CUTE, WHAT DID THEY DRESS AS?  
JADE: melissa was minecraft steve, and brandon was max from where the wild things are.  
KARKAT: WOW, THAT'S ADORABLE.  
DAVE: yep  
DAVE: he still wont talk to me though  
JADE: sorry dave.  
KARKAT: THAT'S WEIRD. I WOULDN'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY, SOME PEOPLE JUST HAVE TROUBLE TALKING.  
KARKAT: OR LIKE, THEY DON'T.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: i mean my dad rarely talked  
KARKAT: YOUR DAD'S A BAD EXAMPLE, YOU HAVE TO STOP COMPARING PEOPLE TO HIM.  
JADE: yeah, dave! brandons a child he doesnt deserve that!  
DAVE: yeah yeah yeah sheesh  
JADE: do you guys want to watch a movie?  
DAVE: god no  
DAVE: june made me watch fucking mac and me last night  
KARKAT: OK, AT THIS POINT I AM CONVINCED YOU ARE JUST MAKING UP FAKE THINGS THAT DON'T EXIST AND JADE PLAYS ALONG.  
JADE: no mac and me is a real movie!  
KARKAT: AGAIN: PLAYING ALONG.  
DAVE: its literally on netflix they did it on mst3k  
DAVE: but god forbid we watch that version no we have to watch it straight because june  
DAVE: sigh  
DAVE: doesnt want to hear anyone talking during the movie  
KARKAT: I TAKE IT THIS MOVIE IS BAD.  
JADE: its really bad.  
DAVE: those jumpsuit guys are having their minds monitored meanwhile im watching these shit films just because im a nice person and my friend takes advantage of that  
JADE: hey, at least it wasnt pod people this time!  
DAVE: i kind of liked pod people  
KARKAT: THAT'S SURPRISING. YOU HATE PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING THAT HASN'T BEEN NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR, AND EVEN THEN YOU'RE PICKY.  
KARKAT: ACTUALLY, IT'S PRETTY INCREDIBLE HOW YOU HAVE THIS WHOLE IRONY THING AND YOU MAKE SO MUCH "SO BAD IT'S GOOD" CONTENT, BUT CAN'T FUCKING STAND IT WHEN IT'S MADE BY SOMEONE ELSE.  
JADE: god, its so true!  
JADE: he hated venom!  
KARKAT: VENOM???  
KARKAT: VENOM WAS A MASTERPIECE, DAVE!  
DAVE: youre kidding me you did not watch venom  
KARKAT: I ABSOLUTELY DID WATCH THE HOMOEROTIC LOVE STORY BETWEEN A GUY AND THE MONSTER SLIME ATTACHED TO HIM!  
KARKAT: PURE GENIUS.  
JADE: it was!  
JADE: the lobster tank!!!  
KARKAT: THE FUCKING LOBSTER TANK!!!  
DAVE: i just dont get that ok like i was just uncomfortable the whole time  
JADE: but thats weird! its absurd humor, which is like your whole thing!  
DAVE: absurd humor is not my whole thing wtf  
KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW, I CAN SEE IT.  
DAVE: uh  
KARKAT: WHAT?

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] has begun pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

gallowsCalibrator has sent an attachment

DAVE: nothing

GC: H4PPY H4LLOW33N!  
TG: happy halloween  
TG: june won again huh  
GC: W3 H4V3 TO STOP D3C1D1NG GROUP COSTUM3S W1TH ROCK P4P3R SC1SSORS  
GC: W3 LOOK L1K3 THOS3 BR4TS FROM STR4NG3R TH1NGS  
TG: honestly  
TG: when will her obsession with bill murray end  
GC: WHO KNOWS  
GC: YOU KNOW H3 H4S H4D 4SS4ULT 4LL3G4T1ONS 4G41NST H1M R1GHT  
GC: H3 4LL3G3DLY 4BUS3D H1S W1F3  
TG: yeah so did cage  
TG: no one ever talks about that  
GC: 1TS 4LW4YS S3P4R4T3 TH3 4RT FROM TH3 4RT1ST BUT TH3N JUN3 4ND VR1SK4 H4ND OV3R TH31R L1F3 S4V1NGS TO SOM3 4CTORS WHO 4LL3G3DLY B34T WOM3N  
TG: hey i was just saying that  
TG: well not exactly that but pretty fuckin close  
GC: SO WH4TR3 YOU DO1NG TON1GHT?  
TG: uhhh im actually on a call with karkat  
GC: YOU 4SS!  
GC: WH4T 4R3 YOU DO1NG! GO T4LK TO H1M!  
TG: sorry sorry  
TG: you dont message me often and i know you dont talk to him i didnt want to worry either of you  
GC: SO YOU D3C1D3D TO STOP T4LK1NG TO H1M 4ND M3SS4G3 M3???  
TG: i can multitask i have adhd  
GC: YOU C4NNOT FUCK1NG MULT1T4SK LOS3R  
GC: GO T4LK TO YOUR BOYFR13ND  
GC: S3ND M3 YOUR COSTUM3 P1CS L4T3R  
TG: you got it

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

KARKAT: -AND YOU AREN'T EVEN LISTENING, ASSHOLE.  
DAVE: im totally listening  
KARKAT: WHAT WAS I JUST SAYING?  
DAVE: that youre done with your costume and youre ready to show me  
KARKAT: … THAT IS ACTUALLY WHAT I JUST SAID.  
DAVE: holy shit no way  
DAVE: i just made that up i totally wasnt listening  
KARKAT: ASSHOLE.  
KARKAT: ANYWAY YEAH I'M READY.  
DAVE: !!!  
JADE: haha, what the fuck!  
DAVE: are you a zombie im  
KARKAT: I'M ME, BUT COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD.  
DAVE: dude thats disgusting  
KARKAT: YEAH, IT REALLY IS. I'M GLAD IT DRIED BECAUSE OTHERWISE IT'D BE ALL OVER MY BED.  
JADE: i like that this is the first time ive ever seen you.  
JADE: its fitting, somehow.  
DAVE: god  
DAVE: i thought you had hemophobia  
KARKAT: I DO, BUT IT'S NOT SCARY IF I FUCKING PUT IT ON MYSELF, IS IT.  
DAVE: i guess  
KARKAT: SORRY I'M NOT WEARING A MAID OUTFIT, DAVE.  
DAVE: shut up  
JADE: lmaooo!  
DAVE: i guess you look suitably scary for halloween babe  
KARKAT: THANK YOU!  
KARKAT: ABOUT TIME WE HAD SOME RECOGNITION IN THIS BITCH.  
DAVE: youre a genius karkat  
KARKAT: THAT'S RIGHT.  
JADE: now you should compliment dave  
KARKAT: WHA?  
JADE: well he complimented you.  
DAVE: yeah babe  
DAVE: i complimented you  
DAVE: wheres the attention i so blatantly seek  
JADE: i cant believe you would leave dave uncomplemented like this :/  
KARKAT: FINE!  
KARKAT: DAVE I  
KARKAT: I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU ARE DRESSED AS SOME GARFIELD GAJINKA.  
KARKAT: I'VE BEEN CONFUSED THIS WHOLE TIME, AND JUST ELECTED TO NOT SAY ANYTHING.  
DAVE: reasonable  
DAVE: but thats not a compliment  
KARKAT: YOU'RE… WELL I CAN'T SAY YOU LOOK ACCURATE TO GARFIELD.  
KARKAT: YOU LOOK DECENT?  
DAVE: decent  
KARKAT: I LOVE YOU?  
JADE: aw!  
DAVE: … alright ill take it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yesterday has left me with Vantas brainworms. Keep thinking about small child Karkat screaming at his dad. I'm like this close to making badly drawn doodle comic prequels of this thing. Like, what if Kankri got sick??? Who would be taking care of things??? Can't stop thinking about tired single dad Kankri and his unreasonable toddler.
> 
> Also, Dave in AK is now imminent.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Afternoon, everyone. I like this chapter a lot.
> 
>  ~~Next update SHOULD be tomorrow.~~ Edit: hey, I'm working on it. The update is "done," but it's cut short and I don't like it. I hope to either post it with tomorrows update finished, or tonight but unfinished and reworked after the deadline. Thanks for your patience!
> 
> Also, I forgot to say last update but this is now the most popular fic I've ever made! It's also my longest, as of a few days ago. A special thank you to you all, I really appreciate the support. 💚

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

TG: i got the notif that the packages have arrived at your house  
TG: which means you hass the clothe  
TG: karkat  
TG: kat  
TG: kat  
TG: kat  
TG: i know youre home youre never not home except that one time i wore cat ears  
TG: wait are you asleep  
TG: kat wake up  
TG: babe  
TG: kitty  
TG: wake up and ill  
TG: uh  
TG: put on a sweater  
TG: (thats a lie i am not going to do that)  
TG: (i dont even own one)  
TG: kat  
TG: kat  
CG: I'M NOT PUTTING THIS STUFF ON.  
TG: whoa hey you already opened them  
TG: why not  
TG: i spent a lot of time deciding what to get my cute boyfriend for him to wear and then send my pictures of  
CG: YEAH, AND NOW I REGRET THAT A LOT.  
TG: why  
CG: I LOOK TERRIBLE.  
TG: wait i thought you didnt put them on  
CG: …  
TG: YOU PUT THEM ON send me pics  
CG: NO!!!  
TG: whyyyyyyyyyyy  
CG: I DON'T LIKE MY KNEES!!  
TG: but i like your knees  
TG: or i will once i see them  
TG: fun fact i do not have a picture of you on my phone i only have screenshots from our video calls  
CG: YOU TOOK SCREENSHOTS OF OUR VIDEO CALLS???  
TG: yeah i needed a phone bg  
CG: YOUR PHONE BACKGROUND IS A PICTURE OF ME??????  
TG: yes  
TG: karkat youre my boyfriend  
TG: babe?  
TG: i can change it to something else if its an issue  
TG: i didnt realize it could be this is like a really normal thing couples do so  
TG: uhhh  
TG: its a picture of you from a few nights ago when we were calling and you were falling asleep  
TG: you looked all soft and cute and your covers were up to your nose  
TG: a mimir  
TG: yeah  
TG: i actually switch it out every couple of days with a new screenshot  
TG: could you reply please im getting concerned  
CG: IM STRUING TO RELY BUT IM REALLY EMITOMAL  
TG: what  
CG: CRYFING  
TG: fuck wait what  
TG: youre crying???  
CG: SORRY  
TG: why are you sorry why are you crying  
TG: are you ok  
CG: ID ONT KNOW  
TG: ok well  
TG: i love you  
CG: I LOVE YOU TOO!!!!!  
CG: GIVE ME A MSUNUT  
TG: kat im sorry i dont know how long a msunut is  
carcinoGeneticist has sent an attachment  
TG: oh fuck hello  
CG: SORRY ABOUT MY ROOM.  
TG: its cool my old apartment used to be way worse  
TG: anyway my hunch was clearly right you look good in shorts  
CG: THESE ARE THE SHORTEST PANTS I HAVE EVER WORN. I'M LITERALLY NEVER GOING TO USE THESE.  
CG: I AM COLD IN MY HEATED HOUSE AT 70°.  
TG: admittedly i dont own shorts that short either  
CG: SERIOUSLY? WHY AM I WEARING THESE???  
TG: because im pretty sure your ass would look good in them  
CG: OH.  
carcinoGeneticist has sent an attachment  
TG: it does!!!  
CG: DO *NOT* MAKE THAT YOUR BACKGROUND.  
CG: YOU GOT THAT? NO ASS SHOTS AS YOUR WALLPAPER.  
TG: i promise i wont make my wallpaper your ass  
TG: but i am saving the photo  
CG: THAT'S FINE, YOU CAN SAVE THE PHOTO.  
TG: hell yes  
carcinoGeneticist has sent an attachment  
TG: holy shit i didnt think you were going to keep going  
CG: YOU SENT ME A LOT OF CLOTHES.  
CG: I'M ACTUALLY A LITTLE CONCERNED, DO YOU MAKE ENOUGH MONEY FOR THIS?  
TG: i told you this shit is all super cheap that shirt was five dollars  
CG: SHOULDN'T *I* BE SENDING YOU CLOTHES.  
CG: LIKE I KNOW YOU WEREN'T LOOKING FOR A SUGAR DADDY BUT I FEEL LIKE MY ROLE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE CLOSER TO THAT THAN THIS.  
TG: dude we are way past that  
TG: like so past that  
TG: that is now a blot in the distance  
TG: its going  
TG: going  
TG: gone  
TG: bye that  
TG: hardly knew you  
TG: and dont really care now because im staring at a picture of my hot boyfriend  
carcinoGeneticist has sent an attachment  
TG: ugh fuck  
CG: I TOLD YOU SWEATERS ARE HOT!!  
TG: see i knew youd like a sweater  
CG: I AM FAIRLY CERTAIN THIS IS A GIRL'S SWEATER.  
TG: it is  
TG: this is a store for egirls i told you that  
CG: WHAT!!  
TG: dude i literally told you its a store for girls  
CG: I'M WEARING GIRLS CLOTHES???  
TG: yes  
TG: is it that bad like  
TG: its ok you dont have to wear the girls clothes if you dont want to  
TG: however i would admittedly like to see the rest because you look really nice and im really proud of my selections  
carcinoGeneticist has sent an attachment  
TG: hahaha  
TG: thanks babe  
CG: I'LL THINK ABOUT WEARING THESE MORE, BUT I PROBABLY WON'T.  
CG: WHAT WITH ALL OF THE THINGS I HAVE STACKED AGAINST ME.  
TG: like what  
CG: IT'S JUST SORT OF REVEALING.  
CG: LIKE, IT'S ALL FORM FITTING, AND BRIGHT.  
CG: AND COVERED IN HEARTS??  
TG: it suits you youre so romance focused  
TG: also you look good in red and pink and tan  
CG: OK.  
CG: I LOOK LIKE.  
CG: A VALENTINE'S DAY CARD.  
TG: lmao you kind of do  
TG: need to dump some glitter on you  
carcinoGeneticist has sent an attachment  
TG: nice  
TG: except for the blue that didnt work out  
CG: NO, I LOOK PRETTY SHITTY IN BLUE.  
TG: my bad  
CG: …  
TG: yes  
CG: OH, PHEW.  
CG: I THOUGHT THIS ONE WAS BOXERS.  
carcinoGeneticist has sent an attachment  
TG: oh christ no  
TG: no i would have asked  
CG: WELL THANK FUCK FOR THAT, I WAS WORRIED FOR A SECOND.  
carcinoGeneticist has sent an attachment  
TG: im like  
TG: i have no pics of you and now i have like wait  
TG: seven pictures of you all at once  
TG: no good pics of your face though  
CG: SORRY, IT'S HARD TO GET MY FACE IN THE SHOT WITH THE CLOTHES.  
TG: liar  
TG: stop hiding  
CG: NO.  
carcinoGeneticist has sent an attachment  
CG: OK, I THINK THAT'S ALL OF THEM.  
TG: thank you i love them  
CG: I'LL WEAR THEM WHEN YOU THEORETICALLY COME OVER.  
CG: NOT THE SHORTS THOUGH I'D RATHER NOT GET HYPOTHERMIA.  
TG: fair  
TG: youre so hot  
CG: THANKS.  
CG: WHERE'S MY PICTURES.  
TG: your pictures  
CG: YEAH, I JUST DID A LOT OF TAXING LABOR HERE.  
CG: I WANT SELFIES TOO!  
TG: fine jesus hold on  
CG: NOT FANCY ONES, JUST WHATEVER YOU'RE WEARING RIGHT NOW.  
TG: …  
turntechGodhead has sent an attachment  
CG: AW.  
CG: WOW, YOU LOOK REALLY SLEEPY.  
TG: yeah well  
TG: been working hard  
CG: MAYBE I SHOULD LET YOU GO.  
TG: no i wanna talk  
CG: UHHH OK.  
CG: WHAT WOULD YOU WANT TO DO? IF YOU CAME HERE?  
TG: if i met you  
TG: well taking a nap in our underwear is on the table still imo i really want to do that  
CG: RIGHT.  
TG: i want to watch tv with you  
TG: this all sounds really stupid  
TG: i want to exist in the same space as you  
TG: just have you there  
CG: I DON'T THINK THAT SOUNDS STUPID AT ALL.  
CG: I LIKE THAT.  
TG: thanks  
TG: im not  
TG: wait where would i be staying  
CG: MY HOUSE?  
TG: yeah but like  
TG: with your dad  
CG: …  
CG: YEAH.  
TG: would i be in your room or  
TG: i know he was sort of weird when you told him you had a boyfriend so  
CG: NO, IT'S FINE.  
CG: HE'S FINE.  
CG: I DON'T KNOW. WE DON'T HAVE A GUEST ROOM.  
CG: WOULD YOU WANT TO STAY WITH ME?  
TG: yeah?  
TG: where else would the nap be  
CG: OH, RIGHT.  
CG: MY COUCH?  
TG: your dad  
CG: SO?  
TG: underwear??  
CG: AUGH, FUCK.  
TG: do you not want to wear underwear  
TG: wait no  
TG: do you want to be fully clothed because we can do that  
CG: NO, I DO WANT THE UNDERWEAR THING! I JUST FORGOT.  
TG: haha  
TG: i want to hug you for real  
TG: i know this is all hypothetical but it just sounds really nice  
TG: you look like  
TG: perfect  
CG: FOR WHAT?  
TG: cuddling  
CG: HM.  
TG: i have a question  
CG: YES.  
TG: why did you cry  
TG: why were you crying  
TG: sorry my brains like  
CG: I KNOW.  
TG: all over the place  
TG: yeah  
CG: IT'S STUPID. I JUST FELT REALLY…  
CG: IT'S ONE THING TO SAY I'M YOUR BOYFRIEND IT'S ANOTHER TO PUT A PICTURE OF ME AS THE THING YOU LOOK AT ALL DAY.  
CG: IT'S LIKE… ALMOST… BRAGGING?  
CG: LIKE, I'M WORTH SOMETHING TO YOU, FOR REAL.  
TG: of course youre worth something to me  
CG: YEAH.  
CG: I LOVE YOU.  
TG: i love you too  
TG: <3  
CG: <3  
CG: YOU SHOULD GO TO SLEEP.  
TG: yeah ok  
CG: NIGHT. I'LL MESSAGE YOU TOMORROW.  
TG: night

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--

CG: HEY, YOU WANNA SEE SOME CLOTHES DAVE BOUGHT ME?  
GA: Of Course  
carcinoGeneticist has sent an attachment  
GA: Ah  
GA: Apple Brand  
CG: IS THAT BAD?  
GA: I Am Not A Fan Of Such A Corporate Brand  
GA: But You Look Nice  
GA: Its Been A While Since Ive Seen You  
CG: YEAH, YEAH.  
GA: Your Face Is Still Hidden Though  
CG: IT'S HARD TO GET MY FACE IN THE SHOT WITH THE CLOTHES.  
GA: Liar  
carcinoGeneticist has sent an attachment  
GA: Look At That  
GA: You Have Legs After All  
CG: I AM NEVER GOING TO WEAR THESE.  
GA: It Admittedly Isnt Very Sensical Of An Item To Give You  
GA: Unless You Have Plans To Visit Him During The Summer  
CG: …  
GA: Hmm  
CG: SHUT UP!  
GA: You Have Nice Legs Though  
GA: If I Had Known I Would Have Done A Bit More To Showcase Them In The Clothes I Made You  
CG: NO WAY, THOSE CLOTHES WOULD BE USELESS.  
GA: Not At All  
GA: You Already Dont Wear Them  
GA: How Could Not Wearing Them When They Also Show Off Your Legs Be Any Different  
CG: I AM ROLLING MY EYES.  
GA: Im Sure  
CG: HERE'S THE LAST TWO.  
carcinoGeneticist has sent an attachment  
carcinoGeneticist has sent an attachment  
GA: Interesting  
GA: The Sweater Suits You  
CG: YEAH IT DOES.  
CG: CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?  
GA: Sure  
CG: IS IT BAD THAT I LIKE WEARING THESE?  
GA: How So  
CG: LIKE, AM I A PERVERT?  
GA: A Pervert???  
CG: I DON'T KNOW, I FEEL BETTER WEARING STUFF LIKE THIS SOMETIMES.  
CG: BUT THAT'S  
CG: WEIRD.  
CG: IT'S FUCKING WEIRD, RIGHT? TO FEEL BETTER BECAUSE YOU'RE WEARING A SWEATER FOR GIRLS?  
GA: Karkat Its A Sweater It Isnt That Deep  
GA: But Because It Is Deep To You  
GA: And That Was An Admittedly Rude Way For Me To Put That So I Apologize For Dismissing You  
GA: Its Fine  
GA: You Can Like Wearing Whatever You Want  
GA: And Here Is A Secret I Have Learned  
GA: Its Better To Wear Things That Make You Happy Than To Force Yourself To Be Miserable Because You Think Its More Appropriate  
GA: Will Bring Less Attention To You  
GA: Or  
GA: And This One Is Possibly The Most Egregious Of All  
GA: Because You Think You Deserve To Be Punished Somehow  
GA: And Thus Keep Yourself From Presenting A Certain Way  
CG: …  
GA: It Isnt Worth It  
GA: It Never Has Been And It Never Will Be  
GA: So No I Would Not Worry About Being A Pervert  
GA: Because You Arent For One  
GA: And Because You Deserve To Wear And Do And Enjoy Things That You Like Karkat  
CG: UM. OK.  
CG: THANK YOU.  
GA: Youre Welcome  
CG: I FEEL…  
CG: UH.  
CG: SO, HOW IS YOUR MARRIAGE TROUBLES?  
GA:  
CG: WAS THAT RUDE? I'M SORRY.  
GA: Its Fine I Was Laughing  
GA: We Are Doing Fine  
GA: Jade Has Been Invited To My Mother In Laws House For The Holiday Season  
CG: OH, THAT'S GREAT!  
GA: Yes  
GA: I Assume You Will Not Be There Which I Admit I Am Sad About  
GA: It Feels Weird That I Have Met Your Father And Your Boyfriend But Not You  
CG: YEAH, WELL.  
CG: SORRY.  
GA: Its Alright  
GA: Im Sure Youll Recover From Whatever Anti Social Spirit Possesses You Eventually  
CG: HOPEFULLY SOON.  
CG: DAVE WANTS TO VISIT ME.  
GA: No Way  
GA: Does He Really  
CG: YES!  
CG: I'M REALLY SURPRISED TOO.  
GA: That Was Sarcasm  
CG: OH.  
GA: Youre All He Talks About Currently  
GA: It Is Driving Rose A Bit Batty  
CG: MORE BATTY THAN YOU DO ALREADY?  
GA: I Am Not A Bat  
GA: I Am An Elegant Moth  
CG: NO ONE SAID BATS AREN'T ELEGANT.  
GA: No But I Am A Moth And The Moth That I Am Is Elegant  
CG: I WOULD HAVE MAYBE SAID YOU'RE A BUTTERFLY.  
GA: Clearly You Havent Seen Enough Moths  
CG: OF COURSE NOT. WHO THE FUCK LOOKS AT MOTHS???  
GA: Once Again I Am Astounded By Your Lack Of Taste  
CG: OH FUCK OFF, MARYAM.  
GA: A Good Idea Frankly  
GA: It Is Incredibly Late Here And Probably Not Much Better Where You Are  
CG: MY SLEEP SCHEDULE IS FUCKED.  
CG: HONESTLY, I SLEEP DURING DAVE'S WORK HOURS.  
GA: I See  
CG: THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN.  
GA: What Do You Think It Means  
CG: I DON'T KNOW, THAT'S WHY I'M FUCKING ASKING!!!  
GA: Hm  
CG: HM???  
GA: Wait I  
GA: There Is A Noise  
CG: A NOISE??  
GA: Yes  
CG: WHERE'S ROSE???  
GA: Asleep  
GA: She Is Far Less Nocturnal Than I Am  
GA: Excuse Me  
CG: IS IT A BURGLAR???  
CG: KANAYA???  
CG: DO I NEED TO CALL SOMEONE???  
CG: OH NO.  
CG: KANAYA I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU EVEN IF YOU ARE ALSO THE MOST I SUFFERABLE BITCH I EVER MET.  
CG: WAIT, I FORGOT ERIDAN.  
CG: EVEN IF YOU ARE THE SECOND MOST INSUFFERABLE BITCH I'VE EVER MET.  
CG: WAIT, FUCK, I ALSO FORGOT VRISKA.  
CG: OK, LET ME THINK THIS THROUGH.  
GA: I Love You Too  
GA: It Was Rose Though  
CG: OH.  
CG: WHAT WAS SHE DOING???  
GA: Cooking  
CG: COOKING???  
CG: AT  
CG: WAIT  
CG: COOKING AT THREE AM???  
GA: Yes Shes Gone Insane I Think  
GA: I Found Her Covered In Flour And Crying In Our Kitchen  
CG: WOW.  
CG: HOW DOES SHE  
CG: I MEAN, OK, NOT TO TALK BADLY ABOUT ROSE BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW I LOVE ROSE LALONDE.  
GA: Do We  
GA: I Was Not Previously Made Aware Of This If Im Honest  
CG: BUT HOW DOES SHE ALWAYS DO SHIT LIKE THIS??  
CG: CRYING IN HER KITCHEN AT THREE AM BECAUSE SHE TRIED TO COOK.  
CG: MANIACALLY LAUGHING WHILE THROWING WEEDS AT THE SIDEWALK THAT TIME JADE ASKED HER TO HELP GARDEN.  
CG: THAT TIME SHE LOCKED HERSELF IN HER ROOM WHEN SHE SEWED THAT SLEEVE INSIDE OUT.  
GA: Rose Has Failure Issues  
GA: We Shouldnt Get Into Them  
CG: IF YOU SAY SO.  
GA: Im Going To Go To Bed Now Karkat  
GA: Might As Well Try To  
GA: Get Rose To Stop Neurotically Baking  
GA: Well Have To Clean All That In The Morning  
GA: I Know You Apparently Sleep During Daves Working Hours But I Still Must Recommend You Try To Get Some Sleep Soon Yourself  
CG: YEAH, YEAH.  
CG: I'LL DO MY BEST.  
GA: And Darling  
CG: HM.  
GA: I Know You Love Him But Centering All Your Time On Dave Is Not The Healthiest Option Both Physically And Mentally  
GA: You Do Live With Someone Else Who Loves You You Know  
GA: And Im Sure Hed Love Some Company Some Time  
CG: RIGHT.  
GA: Goodnight  
CG: NIGHT.

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: I'M GOING TO TRY AND GO TO BED, SO I HOPE YOU SEE THIS WHEN YOU WAKE UP.  
CG: GOOD MORNING.  
carcinoGeneticist has sent an attachment

CG: <3

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not my best KK I've ever done, but it's been a while since I've inked with a brush and I like how that part came out. If it doesn't load, [here.](https://anotherdavekatblog.tumblr.com/post/642861373892804608)
> 
> This is also my first time using alt text, so let me know if there's any problems with it!


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, my apologies for the late update. This chapter is longer than usual, and it just took a lot more time to write than I expected. I also had to cut a lot of material I wanted to write out, so that I had time to write the next two chapters. :( I did my best with what I could with this one.
> 
> Warnings for very light emetophobia and mentions of alcoholism.
> 
> Next chapter is in like five minutes.
> 
> Happy birthday Dave (and Rose)!

You press the side of your head against the cool glass of the car door, your shades digging into the side of your head slightly. Next to you, Jade scribbles in a notebook, and in front of you Rose and Kanaya argue about something. You aren't particularly paying attention. 

The snow outside is a thick flurry. You're not sure how Rose can drive in this. 

"Honestly, I wish she'd move out of the damn park-" She says. 

"Wasn't she raised here? And it's a lovely house, regardless." Responds Kanaya. 

"She lives in a mansion. Alone. With all the alcohol." 

"Which isn't ideal, but you can't control what she does, just how you react to it." 

"I think I know a bit more about my mother than you do, Kanaya." 

"I'm just trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. She has a boyfriend, after all-" 

"And he does what?! Practically nothing. She deserves better than him." 

"Yeah, she deserves better than him," you parrot. You don't actually care about your mom's boyfriend one way or another, but he isn't going to be there for your birthdays or Hanukkah and that doesn't inspire much confidence in you. "I doubt mom's been drinking, though." 

"Didn't you guys get rid of all her alcohol a while ago?" Says Jade, not looking up from her notes. "I thought she went to AA." 

"Mom supposedly quit drinking for Dave," replies your sister in that awful _I may claim this is a joke if confronted but I clearly said this out of the true bitterness I have in my heart_ way she gets. 

You close your eyes. "Mom didn't quit drinkin' for me, she quit drinkin' because she had CPS caseworkers and the local high school employees watching her every move to make sure she doesn't beat the crap out of her kids. It was peer pressure, Rose." 

"Of course, I know that. It was a joke." 

"Yeah," you agree, "a joke." 

"We're here!" Kanaya announces. Instantly you unbuckle and jump out of the car. 

You generally consider cars to be the worst, due to your susceptibility towards motion sickness. The fresh air is much needed, and you take deep breaths to steady your stomach. When you finally open your eyes, you see your former enormous house and your enormous mother running towards you. 

Your mother is, despite her faults, one of your favorite people of all time. It was a relief when you met her, and saw just how much she looked and acted like you compared to your dad. She's loud, chatty, tall, shares your nose and eye shape, and makes just as many sex jokes and slip ups. 

She stumbles through the snow, highly dangerous in her high heels, but makes her way to the car where she... grabs Jade? 

"Jaaaaaade!! I'm so happy to meet you, you're so pretty! Gosh, you look just like your grandpa, did you know that I used to work for him? You probably did. I'm so sorry for your loss. He was an- he uh. He was cool! Yeah, very cool!" She shoves Jade into her chest, who immediately struggles to breathe. 

"Mother!" Rose gasps, and you feel similarly mortified as she releases your roommate from her unfortunate hug. 

"What? Oh Rose! Come here!" Your mother calls as Jade turns to you, a little dazed, and your sister is promptly enveloped in a similar glomp. "I missed youuuuuu, you never come over! Honestly, I have plenty of room. Kanaya!" 

Kanaya holds out her hand, and your mother puts her arms down to shake it instead. "Good afternoon, Roxy. I keep telling her we should visit more, but things have been busy with the book tour after all." 

"Ah, right the tour. I'm so happy for you, hon! I've been keeping the reviews I find in my desk!" Your mom turns to you. "Dave!" 

"Hi mom." You hug her around her middle, and are immediately crushed. "MMFH missed you." 

"Miss you toooo!" Outside of the hug, you can hear the slam of a car door, and the crunch of snowy footsteps. "Ohhhh I hope you've been ok over in Cali, I've been worried about you. You've almost been worse than Rose." 

"Mom, please." 

Mom lets go of you, and you take a deep breath again. "Do you need any help with that, kids?" 

You turn to see Rose and Jade hauling the luggage, and you quickly grab your own bag that Rose apparently left in the snow next to you. "It's fine, mom." Rose calls back. 

Mom quickly walks with you all, chattering along. "Well, I wasn't sure where Jade wanted to sleep but we have plenty of guest bedrooms, and then there's your room of course and then Dave's room, so there's plenty of options if you want them, honey! Um, and of course you both have your old rooms. I haven't touched them since you've left!" 

"I imagine you wouldn't need to." Kanaya nudges her wife, but her sour mood seems undeterred. 

"Well, not really! But I like to keep them that way anyway, because then when you visit you'll be more comfortable! Jesus, I missed you guys." 

"You should get a cat," Jade offers, and mom beams. 

"I _love_ cats! I have one already, her name is Mutini, which isn't very tasteful but Rose named her anyway!! I cloned her after Jaspers died." 

Jade nods, perplexed, but no one elaborates as they enter the house. 

Holy shit, your mom's house. 

Your mom may deserve better, but you always suspect that it's hard to find a boyfriend when you live in a mansion in the woods that's chock full of wizard statues and paintings, and other more… eccentric oddities. Jade gapes at the extremely fantastical decor, while you continue on with hauling your suitcase up the ridiculous flight of stairs. 

"Um," you hear Jade struggle, "your… house is lovely! The choice in decoration is very… Interesting!" 

" _Yeah_ , I love wizards! And cats, and look! Over here!" 

You open the door to your room, and throw your suitcase inside. You don't bother listening any further. 

Your room, which you stayed in for roughly four years before getting into art school, is very similar to the rest of the house in that it is spacious and grey and very badly lit. Upon receiving the bedroom as a teen, you decorated it in ways you're quite embarrassed about now. For instance; your collection of ironic selfies strung across the room; a large selection of records you never really listened to but hung up on your wall in hopes that someone would ask you about them; and so, so many dead things. 

You had, for some reason, been very obsessed with the concept of mortality as a teen, and thus kept many preserved items around the house. Your mother, in an attempt to encourage your natural interest in paleontology and your other hobbies, had decided to incorporate this design choice throughout the house. This combined with your sister's interest in the supernatural has led to a very unsettling aesthetic that bothers everyone except for your mother. 

You are extremely certain that what your mother decided to brag about to Jade was the tank containing a life size replica of a dead reptilian. Thankfully, Jade might actually enjoy something like that. Her grandpa was pretty similar in eccentricities. 

You lie down on your bed in a huff, and stare up at the ceiling. 

Ding! 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: OH, SO WHEN IT'S *MY* BIRTHDAY EVERYONE ANNOYS ME IN A GROUP MEMO BUT WHEN IT'S *YOUR* BIRTHDAY IT'S RADIO SILENCE.   
TG: im not really friends with feferi she tends to forget mine   
CG: DAMN IT.   
CG: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BY THE WAY.   
TG: thanks babe   
CG: OF COURSE.   
CG: HOW LONG ARE YOU STAYING?   
TG: through hanukkah   
TG: so im leaving around the nineteenth   
CG: ALRIGHT.   
CG: ARE YOU GETTING ANY CHOCOLATE COINS?   
CG: FOR THE HOLIDAY?   
TG: i am twenty five   
CG: I DON'T KNOW HOW HANUKKAH IS CELEBRATED.   
TG: gelt is given to children i just buy the coins myself and eat them   
CG: WAIT, SO YOU DO GET GELT??   
TG: no its   
TG: nevermind forget it   
CG: OK...   
CG: YOU NEVER TOLD ME WHAT YOU WANT FOR A BIRTHDAY PRESENT, BY THE WAY.   
TG: you said that presents for birthdays are immature   
CG: YOU ARE AN IMMATURE PERSON, DAVE.   
TG: touche   
CG: BUT YEAH, I SENT YOU A CARD. BUT NO PRESENT YET. SO THAT'LL BE LATE.   
CG: THE CARD SHOULD ARRIVE AT SOME POINT. AT YOUR MOM'S HOUSE.   
TG: in retrospect that explains why you asked for the address   
TG: i was like holy shit maybe hes going to surprise me by coming over and scooping me into his adorable arms   
CG: YEAH RIGHT!   
CG: IF I WAS GOING TO SURPRISE YOU WHY WOULD I LITERALLY ASK YOU IN THE MOST OBVIOUS WAY POSSIBLE??? I WOULD HAVE ASKED KANAYA. OR ROSE. OR JADE.   
TG: well yeah i guess   
CG: HOW IS EVERYONE, ANYWAY?   
CG: HOW'S YOUR MOM?   
TG: shes probably good shes only said like one or two concerning things so far   
CG: YOUR POOR MOM.   
TG: shes not that poor she has a great life   
TG: shut alone in the woods in a creepy mansion with a cat and a fuck ton of wizards and dead fake elderitch monsters   
CG: YOUR POOR INSANE MOM.   
TG: yeah   
TG: idk i think her boyfriends going to propose and then maybe shell move out finally   
TG: like god forbid she just has a normal house in the city or even like the neighboring fucking town where she can talk to another sentient person for once   
TG: is she really incapable of just moving to nyc   
TG: rose and kanaya are already there she can go harass them as much as she wants   
CG: WHY CAN'T SHE HARASS YOU?   
TG: because that would mean moving to west coast bro   
CG: SO? SUGGEST IT.   
CG: HAS IT OCCURRED TO YOU THAT SHE MIGHT NOT HAVE MOVED BECAUSE SHE KNOWS YOU'LL ALL COME BACK TO VISIT HER, AND SHE ISN'T SURE IF YOU'D WANT TO SEE HER OTHERWISE?   
TG: …   
TG: no   
CG: ASK HER IF SHE WANTS TO MOVE TO CALIFORNIA.   
CG: MAYBE SHE AND HER BOYFRIEND ARE THINKING ABOUT MOVING ANYWAY.   
CG: MAKE HER FEEL MORE WELCOME ABOUT STAYING NEAR YOU GUYS.   
TG: hm 

"Dave?" 

TG: gtg   
CG: OK, MY ADVICE WASN'T *THAT* BAD. 

"Wassup." 

Jade shuffles by your door, holding her suitcase. "Well, I don't want to be a bother, but this house is really big. And my old house was really big. And I just, you know, would feel better if I was sharing a room with someone. Make it feel smaller." 

"Come on in!" You jump off your bed, and start making room in your drawers for Jade to move her clothes. "It's NBD, we can have a sleepover. Dunno why you're picking me and not my sisters, though." 

"It's complicated." Jade unzips her suitcase, and begins to unpack. "Well, not that complicated. One of us would have to sleep on the floor. But also, I feel weird. Like, it's weird. I haven't seen them since they came over last." 

You nod, and she continues. "It's like, for a while they were these people I'm sweet talking online mostly after that whole thing, but now they're tangible people I'm seeing in the flesh and it's a little weird. We've never really… I've seen them so many times but they went home right afterwards last time so now it's like seeing them in a new light." 

"That's… yeah, that's awkward." And concerning. For you, though. "It'll probably be fine? Awkwardness will pass. Just don't fuck either of them in my room, I will kill you. Do not test me Harley." 

"Who do you take me for??? That's despicable." 

"I'm just saying. Don't do it." 

"I won't!" 

"You sure?" 

"Yes!" 

"My room is very accessible." 

"Shut up, I am not going to have sex with anyone in your room!!" 

"Fine, but if I catch you, I will end you. I will move out, or something." You lay back down, watching her move her stuff around your room. 

"I love how you decorated it here. It looks like your old bedroom." 

"Yeah, I was stupid back then too." 

"No you weren't." 

* * *

The afternoon is unremarkable. Your mom made sandwiches for a late lunch, which is one of the few things she really knows how to make, and then you and Jade made a point to clear some snow away from the driveway because _seriously_ it is so hazardous out there. 

At five, you deduce that you and Kanaya should probably get a start on dinner. 

You had discovered quickly when you originally moved in, that neither your mother or your sister are particularly good or even remotely knowledgeable cooks. However, your mother was extremely enthusiastic about stocking the house with whatever food you asked for, and thus you discovered the wonders of vegetables. This led to the wonders of making anything that wasn't mac and cheese, which led to you being in charge of holiday meals. These days, visiting mom counts as a holiday. 

However, it is also the only real time you get to spend with your sister-in-law alone. You greatly appreciate cooking in a large kitchen with the only other person in your family who knows what a mirepoix is, especially since she'll mostly let you talk about whatever the fuck you want while she gives you either solid advice or a simple nod of her head. 

You love Kanaya. 

You enthusiastically shed your ridiculous snow clothes (snapback, scarf, hoodie under a jacket under another jacket under a slicker, gloves) and cheerfully whistle as you saunter through the living room, only to stop dead in your tracks when you see Rose in the kitchen. 

You slowly turn to face your other sister on the couch, who is attempting to read a book upside down. "What is she doing?" 

Kanaya sighs, closing her book. "Supposedly she is cooking. She has been practicing for a month." 

"A month," you repeat, somewhat hopefully. "That's not bad, that could be good. What is she making?" 

"I'm making chicken, which you could just have asked me you know! Seeing as how I am right here!" Yells Rose. "Consider it a birthday present, dear brother. You get to relax while I do all the hard work." 

"The hard work was supposed to be relaxing…" you mumble. 

"Rose, do you want any help? Dave usually cooks with Kan-" 

"Do not let Jade help!" You shout. 

"Hey! I cooked all the time on the island. I'm not that bad!" She pouts, and immediately moves into the kitchen where she stares down at the printed out recipe Rose had left on the counter. 

"She's bad," you insist, "really bad. I promise. She's fallen asleep while using the stove." 

"That's not my fault, it's basically a medical condition!" 

"And it's fucking dangerous!" 

"She's not going to cause problems if I'm watching." Rose answers decisively. "Dave, could you check on mom? Please?" 

You sigh, but get up anyway. "Yeah, I'll check on mom." 

Upstairs, mom is in her room, asleep. No bottles in sight, a small black cat curled next to her. You gently close her door and walk back down. 

"She's fine, she's asleep." You call out to the girls. 

"How odd, remarks Kanaya. "I hope she's feeling alright." 

You sit next to her, and lean back. "I think so, she didn't seem particularly off. Had her shoes off, even, so she clearly was cognitive enough to know she shouldn't fuck up her comforter." 

"That is a good sign," remarks your sister from the kitchen. You hear chopping noises. 

How disconcerting. 

"Karkat thinks we should tell her to move," you offer, if only to start a conversation. 

"She _should_ move." Rose calls back. "There's no way this place doesn't deteriorate her health, especially with us gone." 

"Yes, but he wants me to suggest she moves to Cali." 

Jade responds. "Oh, that'd be cool! You could see her more." 

"Why Cali? She could move near us instead. We're closer." 

"So suggest that. Christ." You tap your foot somewhat aggressively. 

"I'm sure she'd be relieved to know you're both on edge over who gets to see her more," remarks Kanaya, having taken out her sketchbook. "She'd probably be more relieved if either of you indicated your love by contacting her more than twice a year." 

"To be fair, I've had trouble contacting everyone this year." You mutter. 

"Except Karkat." 

"Except Karkat." You nod, tightly. "What are you designing?" 

"A winter coat. The one you have is hideous." 

"Gee, thanks Kan." 

"You're welcome. Hopefully it will be enough for you to stop buying Apple Apparel." 

You grimace. "Aw, Jesus. Who told you I buy Apple? You're never gonna let that go." 

"I disapprove of fast fashion brands who steal designs from independent creators, Dave, and I'm sure you can understand why that may be." 

"Yeah, of fuckin' course I do. But like, it's cheap." 

She rolls her eyes. "My clothes are of a similar price. I strive to be affordable, but ethical. They strive to be affordable, and profitable. Take your pick, honestly." 

"Make some cute clothes and I'll look into it, maybe." 

Her pencil stills, and her sharp eyes slowly raise to meet yours. The noise in the kitchen has ceased. 

You fumble, for a moment. "Which isn't to say that you don't make cute clothes or anything, just that you make different clothes from the kind Apple does. You know, you make clothes for attending really fancy events and these guys make clothes that you should probably wear pasties under or something. Come on, Naya, if anything I'm complimenting you. Like, I obviously meant cute as in like the baby doll kinda look. Like, cute as in cutesy. Not cute as in attractive. It's an aesthetic choice. Stop looking at me like that! Your clothes are gorgeous; you look like you're going to saw me in half of something." 

At that, your sister-in-law splits into a wide grin. "Oh Dave," she purrs, "I love it when we have little chats." 

* * *

Dinner is, to your relief, normal. It's not great, but it isn't bad, and you're able to eat perfectly fine as you listen to your sister argue with your mother. 

"I just don't believe that it's a good idea to date someone you met through alcoholism recovery. Typically, relationships formed in times of crisis fall apart when they are no longer in crisis because they were only formed out of necessity." 

"And? I needed a boyfriend, so I got one." 

You bark out a laugh, accidentally spitting potato back onto your plate, and quickly cover your mouth with your hand. Your mother beams at you before continuing. "Besides, it's been years now. What crisis am I currently in that could be affecting my relationship with my sweet baby man? Man baby. Manbab." 

Rose glares at her over the top of her tea, but you interrupt before she gets the chance to say anything too sharp. "I've got a boyfriend. Out of necessity, of course." 

"WHAT?!" Mom screeches, twisting her whole body in her seat to face you. "Since WHEN?! What's he like?! Is he cute? He better be cute!" 

"His name is Karkat, and he's an annoying bitch," you answer truthfully. "He's got a great ass, though." 

"No way…" She sets her head in her hands, and looks over the table as a whole. "Dave's got a boyfriend, Rose is married, Rose and Kan are both dating this girl I just met… and you turn twenty-five today. Two and a half decades. Two and a half decades for Rose to learn how to cook." 

Rose splutters. "Where the fuck did _that_ come from?! You don't know how to cook either!" 

"I'm kidding! I'm so thankful you decided to learn. Maybe I should make an attempt next time." 

"We could all do it." You say immediately. "The three of us, I mean. We could make something." 

Rose gives you a sharp smile. "You always suggest the three of us. We have guests, you know." 

"I don't mind," Pipes up Jade, to which Kanaya nods along with. 

Rose shrugs. "Well, then maybe." 

"How did you meet Karkat?" Asks your mother. 

You simply respond "Reddit," which no one questions for once. 

Later, as you clean the dishes with Kanaya, you can distantly hear Rose and Jade talk in hushed voices by the stairs. When you return to your room, you find most of Jade's things gone. You don't ask her about it when you see her in the hall, instead deigning to pretend to retch when she winks at you before closing the door to your sister's room. 

At eleven fifteen, you receive a knock on your door. 

"Jade?" You ask, sleepily rubbing at your eyes, but the silhouette in your doorway has significantly less hair. 

"Hey, kid. Wanna annoy your sister?" 

You wait outside Rose's room, holding a pot and a spoon, while your mother has laid two cast iron pans next to her. She is still wearing heels and lipstick, despite otherwise being clad in silk pajamas. You flex your bare feet against the hardwood floor. 

"So," she begins, and you look up at her tired expression. "You've got a boy. How long's that been goin' on? Didn't even know you liked boys." 

"Well, yeah. I kept it to myself mostly. It's complicated." You turn back to your toes. When you turn them inwards, the joints create odd bumps on the tops. "We've been dating nearly a year now. Started in March." 

"Nine months. That's enough time to have a baby." 

"Gross." 

She laughs softly, making sure not to wake you sister. "Do you love him?" 

You don't want to say it out loud, so you nod. She nods in turn, and then looks up at the shitty framed jpeg painting of Galbagor the Merciful hung up on the wall across from you. 

"Do you?" You ask. 

"Do I what?" 

"Love him. Your boyfriend." 

"No," She whispers, "but I needed a boyfriend. So I got one." 

"You should come to Cali," you blurt out. "If you want to, I mean. I know Rose wants you to move to NYC. And I'm not saying you should move in with Jade and I, that'd be super weird, but I miss you a lot. And I'm really- we're all really worried that you're alone here. Like it's concerning, mom." 

She takes your hand, the one holding the spoon, and covers it with her own. You continue. "We want you to be happy." 

She smiles at you, knowing and sad. "You're sweet." 

"And it's not just me, Rose loves you too. That's why she's like- that's why she's always arguing with you. She's just worried cause she knows- she can tell you don't really like that guy. So. She's just trying to help." 

"I know, Honey." Mom pulls on your hand, and you come into her arms. She squeezes you a little as she pats your back. "I've known your sister longer than I've known you, and we have our own bridge to maintain. I love you too though. Love you so much. Wish I'd met you earlier." 

You sigh, refuse to cry, maybe get a little teary eyed. She says nothing, and you know she wouldn't, but it's still not something you want to do right now. "How close are we?" 

She brings her watch up. "Roughly 55 seconds. We should get up." 

You stand up gingerly, freezing a little in your t-shirt and bare feet, but you dutifully grab your pot, and wait for your mothers signal. While she reads her watch, you wipe your eyes with your sleeve. 

She counts down from four on her fingers, and at zero you kick open the door. 

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ROSE LALONDE!" You both scream, banging your kitchen items, while all three of the women who were apparently comically shoved into a much too small bed begin to yell at you in exasperation. Rose attempts to muffle the noise with the pillow she was lying on, until Kanaya grabs it to throw at you and it smacks you right in the face, knocking you over. Your mother laughs loud and clear, and you can't help but grin as Jade yells obscenities at you. 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

TG: hey i know what i want for my bday   
TG: i want to visit you   
TG: which like   
TG: i wont have time off available until february i think   
TG: but thats cool because thats valentines day right   
TG: shit you probably love valentines day   
TG: i wanna meet you on valentines day   
CG: VALENTINE'S DAY IS MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY.   
CG: WHAT ARE YOU DOING AWAKE?   
TG: annoying rose   
CG: A WORTHY PASTIME.   
TG: and kanaya and jade   
CG: OK, NOW YOU'RE JUST ASKING TO BE MURDERED.   
CG: YOU'RE GOING TO WAKE UP WITH A HORSE HEAD IN YOUR BED.   
TG: yikes   
CG: YEAH, I KNOW!   
TG: so can i visit you   
CG: I'LL HAVE TO ASK MY DAD.   
CG: OH MY GOD, THAT SOUNDS SO PATHETIC.   
CG: BUT I DO, BECAUSE THIS IS HIS HOUSE AND I DO NOT PAY RENT.   
TG: yeah i think thats reasonable   
TG: oh my god what if he says no though   
TG: could i stay in a hotel im not sure i have the money for that   
TG: maybe i could ask mom for a loan   
TG: jesus we really are pathetic dude   
CG: IF HE SAYS NO THEN YOU'LL PROBABLY STAY HOME.   
TG: no im going   
TG: this is non negotiable   
TG: if you want me there then im coming over   
CG: REALLY?   
TG: yeah   
TG: so do you want me there   
CG: YES.   
TG: then im coming over   
TG: problem solved tell your dad to suck it   
CG: I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT DO THAT.   
TG: fine whatever   
CG: BUT I'LL HELP YOU FIGURE OUT WHERE TO STAY. WE'LL DO SOMETHING.   
TG: well eat chocolate in our underwear   
CG: I VERY MUCH DOUBT THAT.   
TG: fine   
CG: DAVE.   
TG: hm   
CG: GO TO SLEEP.   
TG: mm   
CG: I LOVE YOU.   
TG: <3   
CG: <3 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

The next morning you attempt to oversee Rose and your mom making breakfast. Your mom's eggs catch fire, and you're saved by Kanaya with a fire extinguisher (though the kitchen is rather rough for a couple of hours). 

"It's not… too bad," Jade lies, while holding a piece of flimsy charcoal egg that is crumbling to dust in her hand. "It's a good attempt." 

Your phone dings. 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: DAD SAID YES.   
CG: WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU HAVE TIME OFF? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Glad we have supporters of Once Karkat in my comments.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is my favorite chapter, and I maniacally laughed the entire time.
> 
> Edit: extremely light warning of Dave mentioning alcoholism.
> 
> Next one is tomorrow.

Getting on an airplane is such a convoluted and annoying process in America that once you get off of one you're always disoriented and lost. Where do you go now? Fuck if you know. Fuck if any of the employees do either, let alone passengers.

And yet, in a somewhat busy crowd of people, there is a small frail older man who looks like your boyfriend.

"Dave," he says confidently, holding out his hand. "Kankri. It's lovely to see you, finally. Do you have all your luggage, or do we need to go through claims? My car is outside, though Karkat did seem rather concerned about you arriving too early. Was your flight well? Not much turbulence? It's been awhile since I've been on one myself. Still, you got here very early so I assume you've slept. Are you going to shake my hand? I've been holding it out for quite a while. It's alright if you have some sort of touch sensitivity. I've worked with autistic individuals myself several times. I'll just put my hand away."

You stare at him for another minute, before you take a deep breath.

"Haha, wow, you're so short. That's hilarious. You're like Karkat if he looked like a Victorian child with a mysterious anti-sunlight disease that made him grey early."

He raises his eyebrows, but quickly puts them down and closes his eyes. "... We'll just go, I'm sure he's cleaned up enough to meet you. Come along."

You follow this poor hapless man to his car, while you babble at him. "Yeah, you know, airplanes suck but I deal. Slept a bit. I go back and forth between Cali and New York sometimes, so I'm not super unused to it." You toss your suitcase into the trunk of his station wagon. "What's it like living with Karkat? I wish I lived with Karkat. I'm always worried about him, cause I'm like, what's he doing? Is he okay? What's he do all day?"

"Basically nothing. I'm worried about him myself."

"Damn, that's a coincidence." You look out at the scenery as it goes by. It seems you only travel in the fucking snow. "I hope you don't mind me staying, BTW. I really appreciate it."

"Of course. It's not everyday that Karkat shows interest in anything, let alone a person."

You consider that. "Does he show interest in you?"

"No."

"That's fucked up. He talks about you a lot."

Kankri gives you a weary look. "... Interesting." 

"Yeah." You pull a fidget spinner out of your pocket. "So, you know Michael Horace Jones?"

* * *

You are in crisis.

You've dumped your clothing into the washing machine, but you weren't actually sure how to _start_ the washing machine, so they've just been sitting there waiting for your dad (essentially). You hurriedly shove all the papers you can find into a trash bag (they go in the trash, right?) and lord knows you do _not_ know what to do with the cans and glass. What's with all this dust? Why do you have so many books??

You hear a car door slam and you shriek, frantically throwing everything you can into the bag and tossing it outside of your door. You throw open your closet and shove the rest of it inside (it's not like you use the stupid thing, anyway). You pause in front of your mirror to run your fingers through your disgustingly greasy hair hoping that he won't be so weirded out that he leaves. You honestly tried to get it less greasy! You've taken two showers today!

You hear the front door open and the mindless chatter of a Dave who is all too unobscured by Pester's mediocre audio quality. You think you aren't breathing. You collapse onto your bed, your mattress making a big "fwomp" noise under your butt while you whimper. Why did you agree to this? What is wrong with you?

You're going to walk out there in this ridiculous heart sweater and short shorts and embarrass the shit out of yourself and it's going to be even worse than usual because this time you're embarrassing yourself in front of your dad and the guy who's told you he wants to hump your leg and actually, ok, maybe this won't be the end of the world. You can't get worse than telling a guy you want to hump their leg.

"Karkat?" Your dad calls. You hear Dave grow quiet.

Oh Jesus, you really left Dave alone in a car with your dad, didn't you? Christ. That must have been terrible. Your dad's probably planned his timely demise already. He probably accidentally told him he's hot by now. That sounds like something Dave would do.

"Karkat? Hello?"

Dave pipes up. "It's ok if he's shy, he's shy online too. That said, if he ran away I'd probably ki- I'd like, cry or something LOL."

You take a deep breath, and get off of your bed.

"Karkat, it's rude to keep a guest waiting- oh, there you are!"

You wave half heartedly as you enter the living room, trying to smile at your dad but not looking at Dave because you're not sure if you're ready for that. He doesn't say anything though, and that makes you nervous so you look a little too quickly and-

Good fucking shit Dave Strider is the hottest person you've ever seen in real life and that includes the times you've been caught staring at people at the grocery store. Holy fuck. You pull at the hem of your stupid micro shorts, attempt to cover your legs just a little bit more because oh my _god_ you fucked up. You got _way_ too confident here. This is possibly the hottest guy alive, and he's standing in your living room staring at you and oh my god say something.

"I like your shirt," you say dumbly, realizing too late that he's wearing sunglasses and you can't even tell what his expression is. You forgot he does that, he's usually barefaced in video calls.

He doesn't reply, instead furrowing his brows, and you begin to panic babble slightly. "I mean, it's not _that_ great. Like, Death Grips? No one cares, weirdo. You look good in it though. Uh, that's not Apple, right? That's another thing? Um."

Your eyes shoot back down to your shorts, and before you can look up again you find yourself pressed hard into the Death Grips logo printed on surprisingly soft fabric. Arms that you recognize as Dave's encircle your back, and you can feel the plastic of his shades press into the side of your face. "Hi," he whispers.

You close your eyes and hug him back.

* * *

You ended up taking a nap. Not in your underwear, but fully clothed on your couch. It lasted a few hours, huddled under a blanket your dad threw on you both (you're sure he watched from the dining room, like the nosey jerk that he is), and for a while after you woke up you continued to lay there on top of Dave with your eyes closed. You can feel his breathing, steady and slow, and you can feel his body heat radiate out towards you. His jeans are rough on your mostly bare legs, but you mind less than you'd anticipate. A hand is in your hair, not moving, and an arm is slung across your back like an awkward hug.

When you do open your eyes, you creep towards his face softly.

With his eyes closed he looks young and a little tired. His skin is smooth and a little darker than yours, but his hair is a stark white (with dark roots, as you've suspected). He's thin, but has a decent amount of musculature. His nose is round and turned up, and you know that if he smiled with his eyes open then the ensuing dimple and eye sparkle would decimate you on the spot.

And then his eyes flutter open and he smiles, his dimple and eye sparkle decimating you on the spot. You close your eyes and bury your face into his neck as he squeezes you. "Afternoon, Kat. Jesus, sorry I'm so tired. I thought I was good when I landed, I swear."

"It's 'K." You mumble, and he hums in response, rocking against you slightly.

"What's the plan, babe? We doing anything today? I'm fine staying in. I can cook tonight BTW."

"We're going out to eat." Your father calls out from the dining room. "You're a guest, it would be silly if you cooked for us."

You can feel Dave frown. "I swear, no one wants me to cook anymore. I want to cook, guys."

"I wanna take you out." You whisper, and Dave hastily begins nodding his head.

"Yes, right, absolutely. We're goin' out. Cool."

You laugh lightly, and then startle as his legs move and you remember that you're _physically strandling a grown man on your couch_ and you decide now is the best time to get up. Dave whines at the loss of blanket and he looks so pathetic and adorable and sleepy that you almost give it back to him. But too bad, bitch, you're the one in shorts. "Would you like to see my room? With the door open?"

"He is going to be staying in your room tonight, yes?" Your dad calls out in an amused voice. "Do you plan to keep the door open then as well?"

You elect to ignore him. "We could listen to music or something. Or you could unpack. You know. Do something until dinner."

"Right," he mumbles, "do something." You get to your feet, stumbling a little, and he follows much more smoothly, somehow throwing on his shades faster than you could see.

You dad's eyes follow you to the hallway, and you pointedly ignore them.

Dave pushes his suitcase to the foot of your bed, and immediately collapses onto it. "Didn't you just take a nap, dude?" You roll your eyes as you boot up your laptop.

"Yeah, but I'm still tired. Bro, my flight was at four fucking am. I'm _exhausted_."

You sigh, but pull up Netflix and lean back into your headboard. He lays his head on your shoulder, cuddling up to your arm. "What do you wanna watch?" You ask.

"Uhh…" He purses his lips and Jesus, you want to kiss him. "Whatever you want? IDK, I'm fine. I'm cool. Ice cream chillin'."

"We could watch that, I guess. They do have a documentary."

"For a date??" He scoffs. "No. Put on, like, _Princess Bride_."

"Why _Princess Bride_??"

"Cause we watched that on our first date, jackass."

"I don't want to watch it again, we've seen it three times the past year."

"And we could watch it three more times."

"Well I don't want to! How's that??"

"Ok, then put on _Jackass_."

"Oh, so _Light Up The Sky_ is a bad date movie, but _Jackass_ is fine?!"

"COULD YOU PLEASE CLOSE YOUR BEDROOM DOOR, KARKAT?" Yells your father from the dining room.

Dave gets up and kicks your door closed while you put on _Cats_. "Oh for fucks sake, Karkat!" He whines, but it's too late now. The cat's movie has started. The furries are cats, and the cats are jellicle.

* * *

"Are you sure you don't own a sweater??" Your dad fusses as he rummages around in his knits drawer.

"Nope, don't need one. I've got a hoodie and a jacket and a slicker."

"Dave, I assure you it is far colder out than you anticipate. If we got stranded somewhere, what would you do? You could die of hypothermia."

Your boyfriend tilts his head at your dad. "Are you planning on standing us somewhere??"

Your dad sighs and shoves the knits drawer closed. "KARKAT, ARE YOU READY?"

"I'm literally right here," you exclaim, and your dad jumps.

"Oh! My apologies. You look… are you wearing pajama pants?"

You pick at the fuzz on your pants, which have crabs printed on them. "Yeah, but I don't care. They're warm, hide my legs, and my laundry is in the wash. Also, Dave doesn't care."

"It's true, I don't."

"You have clothes in the wash?? Why didn't you tell m-" He looks at Dave. "Right, distracted."

"Don't worry about it, we're going to be good, man. We're going to be the finest gentlemen in town." Your dad begins pushing Dave towards the car. "We're gonna be so classy and cool, it's gonna be sick as hell. All the waiters are gonna be sick, like all over the floor. Damn, it really _is_ cold out here."

"What the frick is wrong with him?" Your dad whispers as he shuts Dave's door and makes his way to the drivers. You climb into the seat next to Dave, so you can sappily hold his stupid fucking hand.

* * *

The waiter is staring at your pajama pants, but you can't bring yourself to care all that much. It's a nice restaurant you don't really go to often, with dark lighting and black and red walls. Several tables are occupied by couples, and you're once again reminded at how weird it is to be having dinner with your boyfriend for the first time on the day before Valentine's day with your dad.

Thankfully, Dave doesn't give a fuck. "What is this place? Oh shit, they sell crab. Like your pants."

"Like his pants," says your dad in the most exhausted voice you've heard from him in a while. "You are aware that crab is a major export of Alaska, right? We're best known for seafood?"

"Yeah, cool, sure. Jesus, you aren't kidding, that's a lot of salmon."

You barely look over the menu, mostly finding yourself staring at Dave who is still for some reason wearing sunglasses in a dimly lit restaurant at night in the middle of Winter. He enthusiastically mutters under his breath as he reads along.

"Evening, gentlemen; my name is Chuck and I will be your waiter tonight. Could I start you off with some drinks and appetizers?" You don't even look towards Chuck, too busy staring at Dave, whose head immediately pops up as he gives a dazzling and hopeful smile.

"Do you have apple juice?"

"... No, we don't have apple juice. Our apologies sir." Dave's mouth falls back into a straight line, and you hear the tap of a pen against a notepad. "We do have lemonade, if that would interest you, and then we also have a collection of imported hard ciders from Washington and California."

"Oh, no thanks. My mom's an alcoholic." He responds, and you hear your dad choke on his water.

"I want-" your father coughs. "I would like a green tea, if you please, and then Karkat isn't paying attention so he'd like a Cherry cola."

Your attention snaps back to your dad as Dave breaks out in a grin again. "I most certainly fucking was paying attention."

"Please don't swear in the restaurant. Do you want a Cherry cola?"

You sulk, and sink down in your seat. "Yeah, I want a Cherry cola."

"We'll also have the cheese spread, if you don't mind, and unless Karkat needs to reread his menu I'm ready to order my main course."

"I'm fine," you sulk, and Dave's smile falters.

"Then I shall have the spinach salad. Karkat?"

"Chicken parmesan."

"And you sir?" The waiter gives a cautious glance to Dave, who distractedly answers "The weird steak thing, and a lemonade." 

Chuck quickly grabs your menus, and hightails it the fuck away from your table. Dave leans in. "Hey, you ok?"

"Yeah?" You pick at your teeth with your fork. "Why?"

"... Because you're acting super down? You look depressed as hell." He nods his head slightly at your dad. "Like, you aren't embarrassed or anything, right?"

Your dad raises his eyebrows, and you quickly sit up straighter and declare "Of course not, I'm just being an asshole, Dave. Jesus."

He gives you a bit of an unconvinced lopsided smile, before taking out his napkin. "Watch," he says, "I know how to do that stupid swan napkin thing people do."

* * *

" _My_ favorite restaurant is Olive Garden." Dave declares just as you walk back inside your house.

"Yes," remarks your father, "you've mentioned."

"So now what?" Dave spins around a bit, as you throw off all your layers and throw them over your dad's drying rack. "Movie marathon? Scrabble? DnD sesh? Form a podcast? Read Karkat's diary? Strip poker?"

"I'm going to bed," announces your father. "And I'm sure there are plenty of things you will both like to do alone. Without me. By yourselves."

"Dad-"

"Oh yeah, no sweat dude. Don't even worry, I even brought condoms and dental dams. We're gonna be safe as fuck today." Dave pulls some sort of package from his back pants pocket and you quickly walk into the kitchen, your cheeks burning.

"Dental dams!" Your father claps his hands, clearly pleased at the discovery that your boyfriend knows basic sex ed. "Oh, that's excellent! You should be careful however, they deteriorate if you keep them in your pocket due to the body heat you expel. I'd recommend borrowing some from the tea cabinet."

You quietly rap your head on the kitchen wall, before opening the lovely pie tin you left on the counter that morning.

"Shit, I didn't know that. Why the hell are they in your tea cabinet?"

You carefully shake the whip cream can, making a lovely curl onto the plate next to an evenly cut slice of pie.

"Well easy access, really. I'm not active and I've assumed Karkat isn't either, but we do occasionally have guests and I'd rather everyone I love be able to live their lives safely."

"How… practical? I think?" Dave's voice mostly sounds confused.

"WHO WANTS PIE!" You screech, nearly bounding into the living room with two plates of apple pie which instantaneously catches Dave's extremely short attention span.

"Holy fuck, apples." Dave makes grabby hands, and your dad rolls his eyes before giving you a soft smile and a salute goodnight. You try to smile back, but suspect that you appeared too pained.

"We can eat them in my room!" You exclaim, handing Dave his plate, and he happily nods and makes an agreeable _hm!_ sound.

He laughs as you grab his hand and pull him along.

"We don't have to have sex, BTW." Dave says through a mouthful of pie, sitting cross legged on your bed. "Like, I have stuff for it, but it's not important. I brought frilly underwear if you want to sleep in it. Yours is really cute, the top is sorta transparent and it's bright red which is really going to-"

"You bought me underwear??"

"If you want to wear it! I'm not going to make you wear it! And I brought more safe for work pajamas, I don't have to wear mine either."

"I want to wear them." You inform him, looking up at him in earnest from your place on your stomach, your fork still hanging from your mouth.

He grins, a deep flush taking over his face. "You're so hot I don't know how you can stand it."

The top is indeed transparent and lacy, which coupled with the short silk shorts that go with it gives you a much more feminine figure than you expected. You're not sure how you feel about it. You think you like it, but it's still awkward for you.

Dave knocks on the bathroom door. "You done? I'm done."

"Yeah, give me a minute." You attempt to brush your curls a bit more, but they just get weirdly frizzier. You gargle some mouthwash instead.

Outside, Dave is wearing a set that looks very similar to your lingerie, but in black. His frame is significantly more angular than yours, but the equally transparent top is still weirdly sexy on him. You climb onto your bed, and he immediately climbs into your lap.

"Baby, baby, baby, baby-" Dave kisses your cheek, then your nose, then your other cheek, and your forehead. "Pretty boy, baby boy, you're just like I dreamed."

"I'm not a teddy-"

"Stop talking about the fucking teddy bear, Karkat."

You laugh, and pull him into a kiss, languid and soft, like his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry they didn't fuck. 💔
> 
> Thanks for getting this fic past 3,000 hits BTW, none of my fics have reached that before!


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 02/14/21, 23:30.
> 
> HEAVY SEX WARNING which begins at the ";)" and ends at the "Karkat that was so fucking ridiculous". The entire first half is discussion of sex and what happened during sex, which ends at "Kankri knocks".
> 
> I once again am posting a reminder that this fic was intended for an audience of eighteen years of age or older, and that it is tagged with "sexual content." Regardless of you, the reader's age, please enact caution in reading and responding to this fic, along with the rest of this website. Stay safe and healthy! Thank you.

You're awakened with a kick to your face. "FUCK," you scream, sitting up to massage your jaw. The offending feet barely stir, and when you open the covers you see Karkat burrowed headfirst into the other end. You also get a good look at his ass. You decide it's ok if he accidentally kicks you in the face.

You lay back and groan, covering your eyes with your hands. You're wearing some transparent black top thing, bralette? Crop top? What even is this? Whatever it is it's surprisingly itchy and you look way too pretty in it. You were _trying_ to go for cute. But no, you gave Karkat the red one, convincing yourself that you'd be wearing each other's colors so it'd be more romantic. You have got to get over your complex about being less cute than this guy.

Slowly, you get out of the tiny bed and open your suitcase. You didn't bother unpacking yesterday, because frankly you wanted to eat pie and makeout with your boyfriend who you had just met. You rummage around, tossing out the chocolates and taffy you brought, and pull out the roses.

Uh oh.

You lament the state of the red roses you had brought with you, not realizing that they wouldn't survive the five hour plane trip followed by more than twenty four hours of just leaving them in a suitcase. You sigh and shove them back into the case. Maybe you can ask Kankri for help with them later. You pull out the cat ears.

After affixing the ears to your head, you lie on top of the lump of blanket containing your boyfriend, and begin meowing like a weirdo.

"Meeeew~"

"Mmfhthefuck," says the blanket.

"Mew mew, bitch, I'm a catboy."

The lump turns around, and you laugh as you get jostled by it. Eventually Karkat's head pokes out of one end. "Oh hell. You didn't bring a sweater, but you brought this bullshit?"

"But Kitty, I'm so cute!" You turn around and throw yourself over him, pinning him to the bed with a big _oof!_ "I'm adorable, don't you wanna pet me?"

"This is the worst. Why did I let you come here? Jesus." He mutters, but begins to pet your hair anyway. You hum, kissing his cheek.

"Brought candy, BTW," you tell him. "We did the sleeping in our underwear thing, now we can do the eat chocolate in our underwear thing."

He frowns, clearly considering your proposition, and you continue to pepper the side of his face and neck with kisses. "Or we could do something else," you suggest.

That catches his attention, turning his head to make somewhat nervous eye contact. "Like what?"

"You know . ;)" You say, and his face flushes a shade darker. "I mean, I said all that shit to your dad yesterday just to freak him out. Which clearly didn't work. But we can totally fuck too. Like, I do have stuff for it."

He turns away, and you're sure you've ruined it (why did?? You bring up his dad??? Christ), but then he turns back to you and pulls you back down into a kiss. You move your hands to cradle the side of his face, his own hands clutching at the fabric of your… whatever it is you're wearing on your torso. You don't even remember what the webpage said it was. Bustier??? Wait, you think that may be a type of corset.

Fuck it, you're taking this thing off. You sadly part from your boy's sweet gorgeous face to sit up and slip the stupid top off yourself, your ears falling with it. Kat whines, biting his nail and looking up at you with pleading eyes and oh shit, did you just do something sexy?? You didn't mean to do anything sexy, that's hilarious. You try not to laugh as you go back to trying to choke him with your tongue.

"What do you want to do?" You whisper between kisses. "I could suck your dick, or give you a handjob probably, or there's that one thing with thighs. I read about that once, on Twitter."

"Iamgloveou," he says in a quiet gasp. 

You pull away, confused. "I- what?"

Karkat seems to come back to his senses a little, and sits adjusts his top as he mumbles "shit, sorry, was just saying I love you. Uh… what do you want to do?"

While his eyes are averted you glance down quickly at the front of his shorts, confirming that yes he does indeed have a boner. Excellent. "I kind of just want to do whatever you want to do."

"Oh, I don't- I mean, I could do whatever though?"

You frown. "Yeah, but I'm just saying like I could also do whatever, dude. So. We can do whatever you want."

You both stare at each other, Karkat concerned and you determined, until it suddenly clicks with you what is happening.

Oh my god.

You're both subs.

"Ok," you say slowly, "so one of us is going to have to take one for the team here. And I would rather it not be me, obviously."

"What?" He says, and you groan.

"We aren't leads, dude. You want me to take charge, I want you to take charge. You see the issue? We took an insane route through a swamp, finally arrived at our destination, and the destination turned out to be a fuckin' fork in the road. One of us has to give up being adorable and fuck the other one."

Karkat furrows his brows, an increasingly annoyed expression as you talk. "Why does one of us have to stop being adorable? The fuck is your problem?"

"There are _rules_ , bro! You have to be cute if you're a subby bottom, and you gotta be like, I don't know, not that??? If you're a dom! Do you even use the internet??? Have you never seen a TikTok??" You dramatically throw yourself back against the wall. "Karkat, you write _fanfic_."

"This is so stupid." Your boyfriend takes a deep breath. "There's other things we can do, probably. Like, really? There must be."

"Like what, dare I ask."

"We could give each other handjobs, or, and this may be better, we could just jerk ourselves off. Just. Masturbate, I guess."

"That's not sex???"

"That is absolutely sex, fuck off!" He grouses, and you consider that option. You may not even have to take off your underwear.

"Yeah, ok."

You curl up next to him, his wave of dark hair (and white roots? Odd) tucked under your chin. "How do we start?" You ask, and then immediately want to kick yourself.

"Ok, I'm going to count to three."

"What? What the fuck? This is _Mario Kart_ to you??"

"Do you have any better ideas??" You don't answer. "Yeah, I didn't fucking think so. One, two, three."

You close your eyes, and reach a hand into your own underwear. You aren't actually wet, so like, whatever you guess. Karkat grunts, pushing into your chest a bit more.

It occurs to you that Kat can see your hand in your pants, but you can't see his.

"Wait, move over a bit."

"What?" He sounds dazed, but moves away from you regardless. His eyes are almost glassy, and his bulge is much more pronounced. It appears that he hadn't actually been touching himself yet.

"Wanna look at you," you mutter, and you can feel yourself blushing furiously. You stroke his hair back from his face, and he whimpers, closing his eyes. Looking down, you see him stroke the outside of his pants. Alright, whatever gets him going you guess.

You rub yourself in circles, watching him. His face is contorted, biting his lower lip, and a very small dark patch has developed where the tip of his bulge would be. You pause for a moment, squeezing your legs together.

His thighs are spread slightly, and you regret not buying him some sort of cute socks. Maybe even some garters. As much as you wish you'd worn red, you can't help but admire the way it suits him. "Fucking, staring…" he moans, and you look back at his face, which is partially hidden with his other hand. You make eye contact, and you hear him gasp. He shuts his eyes, and finally shoves his hand into his pants, jerking himself quickly. He makes small noises, not quite moans but somehow they sound dirtier than if they were.

Your face burns. You hover over him.

"So pretty," you whisper, and his noises elevate in volume, a little higher in pitch. You chest flutters. "Is it better that I'm here? Do you like me watching you?"

He nods vigorously, slowing his hand. 

"Pretty boy, you're so sexy." You lean down, kissing along his forehead and rubbing the side of his leg. You lean on your elbow, abandoning your own mission. "What're you thinking about, baby. What're you getting off to."

His hand pulls away from his mouth, and he looks at you with shining eyes. "I want- I just- You-"

"Hmm?"

You kiss him softly, accidentally muffling a deep moan he makes, but he pulls away to babble some sort of incoherent gibberish about "selfies" and "bright red eyes" and "so hot." He says it in a quick and slurred way that you can't understand, and you kiss him again to calm him down. You feel him shudder underneath you, and he grabs your hair, pushing you deeper into his mouth. You pull his leg up slightly, just to get a hand under his thigh, and he tenses under you. He keeps kissing you hard, breathing heavily, before you finally pull away and inspect the damage to his underwear.

Wow, he came a lot for a human guy who has normal human genitals that aren't alien genitals.

He's gone back to hiding his face, and you have to pry his hands away from his eyes in order to get to your next agenda. "Kat. Kat, come on. My turn, look at me."

"Mmf whyyyyyyyyyy…" he groans, and you finally give up and lay down next to him.

You rub the length of your hand against the outside of your shorts. "Because it's my turn, and I want you to watch me fuck myself idiot."

He peaks through his fingers.

You're much slicker now, and you contort yourself slightly into a more seductive pose with your legs spread open a little. You move your hand back into your pants and make direct eye contact with your boyfriend. "You haven't told me I look cute today, babe."

"Cute," he immediately babbles, and you laugh softly. You close your eyes.

"Feels good masturbating for you," you mumble, and while you said that to sound sexy you actually do find that a little true. You're getting what you originally wanted, after all. "Feels good, knowing you got off to me…"

You give up on trying to pose for him, instead furiously working your cock with your legs spread as wide as you can manage. You open your eyes to see him watching you in earnest, a bizarre mix of awe and adoration on his face and apparently speechless. Wuh-oh. You close your eyes again and try to focus on how hot he was five minutes ago instead of whatever the fuck that just did to you. "So hot for you…" you whisper. "Wanna be so hot for you…"

"I've never met anyone this hot in my _life_ ," Karkat announces, and you bark out a laugh. "I'm serious! You're like a fucking model! It's fucking absurd! You're so pretty I could fucking _die_! I can't believe you even like me! Like, I'm some disgusting gremlin who's standing over you yapping like some sort of hideous dog, and you're somehow still??? Touching yourself??? I'm not even sure if you're real or if I finally went insane and I've hallucinated this entire experience. Maybe this is actually a movie. Like, directed by Robert Eggers, and the part where I'm brutally murdered in some symbolic way just hasn't happened yet."

"Oh my god, you're really bringing up Robert Eggers while I'm trying to cum? Are you for fucking real, dude?" You groan, and pull him down again. He kisses you lightly, running his hands up and down your arms.

"I'm so fucking real," he whispers to you. "And I want you to come for me so fucking bad." Your toes curl.

He makes some self satisfied hum when your hand moves quicker and your body spasms. He strokes your hair as you let out soft whines, as if rewarding you for your effort. "Wow."

"Fuck," you moan, "Karkat that was so fucking ridiculous."

"What?? No."

"Yes! God, yes." You sigh, and turn into him to give him a fuller hug. Shit, he's so fucking soft and cuddly. "We didn't even fuck, dude. We fucking jacked it. I didn't even lose my damn virginity."

"You're weird. That was definitely sex." He kisses the top of your head as you bury it into his chest. "Like, you've told me before that virginity is a concept made up by society-"

"Which you argued against."

"But you also said that people can determine what their virginity is based on their own experiences due to its lack of concrete definition in relation to the definition of sex. Therefore, I declare what I just did sex and thus I have lost my virginity. Take that, fucker."

You take a moment to think. "I guess, that was at the very least a sexual experience, and I do… want my first experience to be with you."

"See? Sex."

"But it's also not what I was expecting, honestly."

He laughs. "What the hell were you expecting?? That went fantastic."

"I don't know." You tilt your head up. "I thought it'd be more… something. I can't place it."

"That was literally so much better than it could have been." Karkat yawns before sitting up and stretching. "Honestly, you have got to be fucking kidding me. First time sex is supposed to suck, dude. We actually climaxed."

"Huh. That's true. Hey, wait." You sit up on your knees and stare at him. "What were you saying about selfies?"

His eyes grow wide. "Nothing. We should have breakfast."

"Wait, do you take sexy selfies? No, wait, you hate your pictures. You like my selfies? Yeah that makes way more sense- _wait, do you jack off to my selfies???_ "

Ignoring you, Karkat moves off of the bed and immediately trips over the candy from your suitcase that you left all over the floor. "Ow, fuck!"

"Karkat, hold up, you jack off to the stuff I send you? The fanservice stuff? So you do like the costumes?" You follow him as he walks to the bathroom, but he shuts the door before you can get in. "Dude, you can't leave me hanging like this. Do you want nudes? Which costume do you like best? What do you do when you get them? What are you imagining? Karkat? Karkat?"

"I'm busy."

"You can't hide forever, babe."

"Dave, I'm pissing."

"You can talk perfectly fine through the door, though."

"I can't multitask."

"Ok now that's definitely a lie." He opens the door, and you look down at his extremely tired face and . You sigh, feeling a little bit of pity. "Alright, let's drop it. You wanna eat some chocolate?"

You drag him to the bed and push him onto it before collecting the chocolate and taffy from the floor. Tentatively, you also pick up the roses from your suitcase. You stand up and hold them out to him. "Um… I fucked this one up. Happy Valentine's, though."

* * *

You're still sitting on the bed in your underwear when Kankri knocks on the door. "I'm not going to bother asking if you're presentable," he calls. "Please get dressed and meet me in the living room. We're going to get sandwiches at the store."

"Damn, are any of you guys going to let me cook??" You demand, flopping over to your suitcase and pulling out a long sleeve shirt.

"Did you have plans to cook, or did you intend to lay in bed all day?" He asks, and you whine but accept your fate as you reject your underpants to put on fresh ones. "You can cook tonight, I don't mind."

"That's fine, yeah." Karkat mutters, avoiding watching you. You're not sure why he would, when he's seen you masturbate, but that's not really your business.

It's very cold outside. Kankri insists you wear one of his sweaters, which he apparently found inside a box in the basement, but you continue to refuse purely out of stubbornness. It may not be worth it, but you refuse to be a Hallmark movie love interest.

The crunch of snow under your feet is as refreshing as the bright and chilly fresh air, which you revel in despite the cold. You grab your boyfriend's hand as you walk and he trudges alongside you reluctantly. Kankri seems unbothered by the environment. Thankfully, they live fairly close to the local supermarket.

Kankri stops at the front of the store to talk to an older blonde woman, and you drag Karkat along the aisles to marvel at the different snacks. "The fuck is a 'ligonberry?'"

"Fuck if I know, I don't eat that shit."

"Well maybe you should, you live here." You pick up a bag of chips, only to put them back when you realize they're just regular salt flavor. You turn around to see Kat walk into the next aisle. "You guys should have more weird shit. This is disappointing."

"The fuck do you mean 'weird shit?' That's so fucking rude. Here." As you turn the corner, he tosses you a carton of ice cream. Oh hell yeah! You turn it over, and find that it reads _ligonberry._

"I guess." You spot Kankri in the distance, carrying a basket with a small selection of items and standing in front of a _cashiers are wanted_ sign. To your surprise, he looks somewhat frail from far away.

You look back at Kat, and try to imagine him older. While they have different body types, and Kankri's face is certainly much more gaunt, you can easily picture Kat as an adorable old person with a cane. You frown. Ok, Kankri isn't that old. Who knows where that came from.

You grab at your boyfriend's hand. "So, remember this morning?"

"What? Of course I remember this morning. It was literally this morning."

"Ok, well don't laugh at me but there was like this one part where you looked at me a certain way and I was like, 'oh fuck, this dude's totally in love with me. Like, without a fraction of a doubt no one I've ever dated has ever been in love with me as much as this guy staring at me.'"

He bites the nails on his left hand. "Is that… is that bad? You love me, right?"

"Yeah, but it's like. I didn't expect that." You stare down at your shoes. "I was desperate, right? I thought I'd get some guy online to give me superficial praise and shit. Not… I don't know, someone who actually likes me. And like, I like you too. You looked at me and I got so. Emotional? It's hard to really classify how I felt, I guess. I felt kind of relieved, and nervous, and like 'aw fuck, I tricked this total babe into liking me somehow.' You know I suck, right? Kat? I definitely suck. I literally don't deserve this shit."

He's quiet. You lift your head up a little and see him chewing on his lip with his hands in his pockets. "I think…" he starts. "I think it's weird how you put these expectations on yourself, and put on an act even when you're trying to get in touch with yourself. What would you have done for superficial praise? It's like you replaced your tough guy act for a cute guy act, and only let go when you're forced to. So…"

He looks up at you, making direct eye contact despite your shades. "Yeah, I know you don't think you deserve it. But you do, and I'm not going to stop caring about you even when you do some weird catboy shit. Yeah."

"You don't think you deserve better?" You blurt out.

"Better??? Dave, I fucking love you. You're exactly what I want, I know what you're like outside of your bullshit, I even _like_ some of your bullshit, and I trust you. And I know you'd do the same for me, because you have. In the past." He sighs. "This is so awkward. I know you love me, like, fucking obviously. You know I love you too. Not everything is fucking perfect, if anything at all."

"... Huh."

"That's it?? I sit there and pour my heart out to you just for you to be like 'huh' like some jackass??"

You shrug. "Yeah, I guess."

He groans, stomping away. You walk back towards the front of the store.

Near the doors is a small stand with exactly two bouquets of roses left. They're expensive. You select one, which has some missing petals but is otherwise in better condition compared to the other. You turn back to the Vantases, who have gathered near the checkout.

"The hell is that?" Asks Karkat when you walk up behind him.

You hold out the bouquet. "These are for you. I mean, I gotta buy them first. But they're for you. Because I love you, and you deserve flowers that aren't wrecked. Happy Valentine's Day."

Kankri smiles at you, from over Karkat's shoulder. "Oh, that's lovely! We could place them on the table while we have lunch."

"No." Karkat stares thoughtfully at his roses before looking up at your face, giving you the first true smile you think you've ever witnessed from him. "I want them in my room. By my bed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well everyone, I am a little teary eyed! My goal about 3 weeks ago was to reach fictional Valentine's Day by the IRL Valentine's Day. After 3 weeks of daily uploads with 2 days off, I actually did it. As of this update, this fic has the most hits, kudos, bookmarks, and comments of any other fic I've made. I'm really stunned.
> 
> If this gets uploaded before the illustration: there's an illustration coming, I just have to finish it.
> 
> Is there a new update tomorrow? No! I will be writing an epilogue at the very least, and possibly some other chapters IDK. Either way I am taking at least one day off. Maybe more. Imagine.
> 
> Otherwise this is basically done! Story-wise! Wow! Thank you so, so much for reading, commenting, sharing, and giving kudos. I hope you all liked this chapter. Comments are super welcome.
> 
> Edit: I had my social media and main AO3 listed here, but then I got uncomfortable again and deleted it. I'll see if I can put it back soon.
> 
> Stan Loona.


	21. A Year And A Half Later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is epilogue part one.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has begun pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

CG: GOT FIRED.  
TG: shit  
TG: what happened this time  
CG: YELLED AT A CUSTOMER. MANAGER CAME OVER, YELLED AT HIM TOO.  
TG: karkat  
CG: YEAH, I KNOW.  
CG: I THINK MAYBE I'M NOT CUT OUT FOR CUSTOMER FUCKING SERVICE.  
TG: what if im the customer  
CG: WHAT?  
CG: OH.  
CG: DAVE, THAT IS A REACH.  
TG: well a little  
CG: NO, THAT WAS REALLY BAD.  
CG: EVEN FOR YOU.  
TG: damn ok  
TG: so whats the plan then whats next  
CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT'S NEXT? I STAY HOME AND WALLOW IN DESPAIR FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.  
TG: what no no way  
TG: you have to get a job dude  
CG: DAVE, I HAVE DEPRESSION.  
TG: ok a therapist then  
CG: …  
TG: hey bro  
TG: wait sorry i forgot  
TG: hey babe im just saying  
CG: <3  
TG: you cant just keep being miserable  
TG: like its just really  
TG: im worried ok you cant just hang around and be sad for your entire life you have the money to see someone and even if you didnt jade and i could help with that  
CG: I DON'T WANT TO SEE A THERAPIST, DAVE.  
TG: ok you dont want a therapist and you dont want meds but you also dont want to make literally any lifestyle changes  
TG: like yeah ok taking a walk and drinking water wont magically cure you and thats neurotypical bullshit but also youve rejected everything that could even slightly have a chance of actually doing something  
CG: I KNOW!  
CG: IT'S JUST…  
CG: WHAT IF I'M NOT ME?  
TG: what  
CG: NEVER MIND, IT'S STUPID.  
TG: no keep going  
CG: NO, SERIOUSLY, DROP IT.  
TG: fine but its cool you know you can tell me shit  
CG: …  
CG: WHAT IF I LOOKED INTO THE DEEPEST PARTS OF MY MIND OR WHATEVER, LOOKED INTO WHY I REALLY AM THE WAY I AM, AND THERE WAS NOTHING THERE?  
CG: LIKE, I'M ALREADY AN EMPTY PERSON.  
CG: FILLED WITH ABSTRACT HATE INSTEAD OF DECENT QUALITIES.  
CG: WHAT IF I TOOK MEDICATION, AND DISCOVERED THAT WITHOUT THE SELF HATE THERE'S NOTHING?  
CG: IRONICALLY, ALL THE THINGS I THINK ABOUT MYSELF WOULD BE PROVEN CORRECT.  
CG: THAT I HAVE NO TALENTS OR ABILITIES, AND I'M NOT NEEDED IN SOCIETY.  
CG: AND ALL THAT TIME I THOUGHT I SUCKED WAS ACTUALLY WORTHWHILE.  
CG: TOTALLY LEGIT.  
CG: WHAT IF I GOT "BETTER" AND THEN IT TURNS OUT THAT I DON'T? I'M STILL A SAD PIECE OF SHIT AND THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS "BETTER?"  
CG: WHAT IF I'M SOME LOST CAUSE?  
CG: DO YOU GET WHAT I'M FUCKING SAYING?  
CG: I KNOW WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH WITH THIS.  
CG: I'M USED TO THIS.  
CG: SO  
CG: IT'S EASIER THEN EXPLORING ANY NEW GROUND.  
TG: right  
CG: DID THAT MAKE ANY SENSE?  
TG: yeah it kind of did  
CG: AND NOW YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME I'M WRONG.  
TG: well yeah you are  
TG: ok first of all  
TG: it doesnt matter if you contribute to society like if you straight up cannot have a job that doesnt mean youre worthless  
CG: BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME.  
TG: no you moron because youre a person and people have value automatically  
TG: second to that is because i love you and youre dad loves you and kanaya loves you  
TG: but your value isnt conditional  
TG: (and neither is my love btw i love you regardless of your disposition)  
CG: (I KNOW.)  
TG: but of course youre needed though because theres isnt a society without individuals you make society whether you want to or not  
CG: VERY COMFORTING.  
TG: next you do have talent its just in writing and you dont utilize it past gay porn of established fictional characters which is like no real shame but thats the fuckin facts darlin  
TG: like unless you start charging or writing some original erotica youre not going to get any money with that one  
CG: WELL, TRUE.  
CG: I FEEL LIKE WE'VE BEEN OVER THAT.  
TG: at least once a week  
TG: i am begging you to open commissions  
CG: HM.  
TG: its always hm and never yeah good idea dave  
TG: karkat  
CG: DAVE.  
TG: i love you  
CG: I KNOW.  
TG: and i want you to be happy  
CG: I KNOW!  
TG: so while i really hope you try and get another job its ok if you dont  
TG: but please please please talk to a doctor  
CG: *SIGH*  
TG: i know  
CG: WHAT IF I DON'T GET ONE?  
CG: A JOB, I MEAN.  
CG: WHAT IF I'M LITERALLY UNABLE TO WORK?  
TG: be my housewife i guess  
CG: OH.  
CG: WAIT DO YOU MEAN THAT SERIOUSLY?  
TG: yeah really  
TG: i mean not housewife you can be whatever you want but like you dont have to work ill have a job  
TG: stay at home  
CG: HUH.  
CG: I COULD WRITE.  
TG: you could write  
CG: I CAN'T CLEAN THOUGH.  
CG: I CAN KIND OF COOK?  
TG: yeah i heard youre a lot better at that  
CG: IT TURNS OUT IF YOU DO WHAT THE RECIPE SAYS, THEN YOU ACTUALLY GET BETTER AT COOKING.  
TG: damn i had no idea  
TG: but thats fine idc  
TG: i do that anyway on compulsion  
TG: and wed find you other things to do obviously  
CG: RIGHT.  
CG: UGH!  
CG: SORRY, THINKING OF LEAVING MAKES ME. ITCHY?  
TG: yeah i know what you mean its cool  
CG: LIKE, I LIKE CALI FINE.  
CG: OK, THAT'S A LIE. JUNE WAS RIGHT CALIFORNIA IS A TERRIBLE STATE AND I HATE IT.  
CG: IT'S BASICALLY TWO STATES!  
CG: WHEN SOMEONE SAYS "I LOVE CALIFORNIA" WHAT CALIFORNIA DO THEY MEAN??? LA??? ANAHEIM???? DID THEY OVERSHOOT AND THEY'RE ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT NEVADA???  
TG: i like nevada  
CG: NEVADA SUCKS!  
CG: ANYWAY, I LIKE THE IDEA OF LIVING WITH YOU, BUT IT'S STILL SO WEIRD LEAVING AK.  
CG: EVERYTHING'S REALLY WARM, AND THE FOOD IS WEIRD.  
CG: AND IT SMELLS WEIRD!  
CG: THE WATER QUALITY SUCKS.  
CG: YOUR PALM TREES ARE UGLY.  
TG: why the fuck are you people always ribbing on our trees jesus  
CG: SO, YEAH. YOU GET IT.  
TG: i do  
CG: I WANT TO GO THOUGH.  
CG: I LOVE DAD AND ALL, BUT I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.  
CG: ALSO MOST OF MY FRIENDS LIVE WEST COAST AND IT'S FUCKED UP THAT I NEVER SEE THEM.  
TG: it is seriously so fucked up  
TG: we gotta get you some friendship pussy babe  
CG:  
CG: PLEASE DON'T EVER SAY THAT AGAIN.  
TG: yeah i really regret typing that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't talked about this much, but I've had some people be really invasive towards me on social media after they read this fic and recently it escalated in a way that made me very uncomfortable amd anxious. It's making it hard to finish this, though thankfully I always try to write for myself and not what I think other's want to read.
> 
> I'm really glad people like this work, and you're welcome to ask me questions and follow/message the blog I set up for davekat, but please be careful when interacting with people whose work you like. Like, I've had weirdly sexual comments made at me, roleplaying without asking me, really weird demands, telling me they hate my favorite characters, telling me that their mental state depends on my writing (that's a really dangerous thing to tell someone, you guys), and generally being creepy and overly friendly.
> 
> I'm glad I deleted my main social media from that last post after all, though I'm really bummed about it because I am really proud of this fic and I wanted to be credited. If you still have my mains, you can follow me. But please don't spread them without asking. My davekat sideblog is anotherdavekatblog.tumblr.com, which I use for reblogging, hosting the KK image for this fic, and giving updates on fics/davekat ideas. I have had to block a few people there, for not following my DNI criteria.
> 
> Thank you for reading, as always. I do truly appreciate it, even if it may not seem like it.


	22. Three And A Half Years After That

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue part two.
> 
> If you're on mobile then you're gonna need to turn it sideways. This was absolutely ridiculous to code, and I did my damn best honestly.
> 
> V small emeto mention.

"Because, like, their attempts to make shit safer is just false. It's a distraction. Does that make sense? It's using a real issue to mask extremist ideals that hurt others. People would lose not just their jobs, but their self expression."

"Dave?" Karkat pokes his head into your room. From your webcam, you can just see his curly hair and his eyes.

"Yeah?"

"Keep it down? I'm trying to watch Bridgerton 2: The ReBridgeoning."

"Oh fuck, sorry. Yeah. Don't worry babe. Sorry."

"It's fine." He disappears again, and you turn back to the camera.

"Anyway- what? That's my husband." You pause. "Yeah? I'm married. Hold on, sorry, I don't wear the ring because I fiddle with it."

You pull your ring, dangling on a silver chain, out of your shirt. "Here you go."

"..."

"Their name is Karkat. Same last name as me. It was actually our anniversary, like, two weeks ago? I don't post about it much." You grin, feeling a little sheepish. "They don't like being too public. Sorry."

Shit, it's so hard to read this thing in real time. "No, Karkat with two Ks."

You frown. Comments are pouring in, but you're supposed to be talking about this new legislation that Congress is trying to pass. "Hey, I'm just gonna- I'm going to go back to talking about ROSC ok? Y'all good over there?"

You snort. "Yeah, y'all are good. Maybe later. Maybe I'll actually get him on camera, eventually."

You nod. "Yeah! He's _really_ fucking cute. H- wait. … ok, yeah. Yeah, he's really cute. I love them."

whistlePrint: i dont know how but this is my dads fault somehow  
awedOrchestra: how is it ur dads fault rosc exists  
violentCowardice: but what does this mean for fanfic  
theoryRabbit: dave im a young musisian only thirteen years old your my idol it would mean everything if you checked out my youtube chanmle please i love you  
plopMinnow: can we call our senators?  
gooseSelection: HELP MY CAT JUST KNOCKED OVER MY SIGNED PHOTO OF PAUL RUDD  
awedOrchestra: who is that???  
lotWoof: hello  
charmAsshole: hi im back  
waveSober: DAVE BOYFRIEND REAL???  
gooseSelection: dave omfg who is that  
roastStone: dave ur hookup forgot to go home  
binnaclePlace: did he make you pancakes.  
tangerineCarpal: guys stop  
adjustmentBonnet: Bridgerton sucks the outfits are so unrealistic.  
milkshakesSkysail: aw i like antony  
motherlyWooded: HE SAID BABE???  
motherlyWooded: DAVE WHOS THE BABE  
boozerCaper: BABE  
waveSober: b abe  
troubleSnob: hey guys whatd i miss  
speakerBuntline: yeah Dave whos the babe  
clusterGreet: BABE  
uncertainDiscourse: HUSBAND????????  
lopsidedNostalgic: WHO THE FUCK LIKES ANTONY???  
stemsonLobster: WHAT  
houndstoothProfessor: DAVE MARFIED???  
tangerineCarpal: NOOOOOOOOOOO  
gracefulFact: BABE  
joggerForth: Dave is dating someone?  
financeSign: Whats their Name?  
traitLesser: the babe with the power ;)  
waveSober: MARRIED!!!  
sunnyInfantile: pretty dave!  
gracefulFact: THE POWER TO seduce dave apparently  
spectralForetell: aw my heart omg  
lopsidedNostalgic: HELLO??????  
quarterRevolving: aw dave and karkat vantas  
reciteSled: love the ring! ill do that when i get amrried too  
affirmElephant: omfg babe  
lotWoof: but is babe cute 🥺  
bottomClang: Hows twitter guy gonna explain this...  
plopMinnow: car cat?  
gracefulFact: beep beep meow  
joggerForth: This is cute.  
tangerineCarpal: Happy anniversary!  
milkshakesSkysail: im going to fucking puke i thought you were single  
internetBold: this is better than bridgerton asdfghjkl  
piercingNetherite: wait does he use he/they?  
stemsonLobster: i think so @PN  
currentCustom: OH RIGHT ROSC  
joggerForth: dave get karkat back in here  
subwayBooger: KAR KAT! KAR KAT!  
muffledEyeballs: BRING HIM TO MEEEEE  
muffledEyeballs: I BET HES SO CUUUUUUTE  
piercingNetherite: rosc bad karkat good  
tangerineCarpal: we want karkat back  
stemsonLobster: ROSC BAD KARKAT GOOD  
clusterGreet: how did you meet karkat  
lopsidedNostalgic: KARKAT POGGERS  
cityUnicycle: karkat poggers 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the support last chapter. <3


	23. That December

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost done. Been pretty inspired, managed to write some semblance of an outline for the epilogue. It's all random scenes but I dig them a lot (especially this one).
> 
> This chapter has mention of Mom Lalonde's parenting pre-sober, and Dave being abused.

"Wish she moved near us."

Rose stands in front of her mother's bookshelf, observing the framed photos she's decorated it with. She lingers on a matching set of her and Dave's senior yearbook photos, with Dave's former braces and her own heavy eyeliner.

"You should have said something, then." You inform her. "Dave made more of a bid, purely by informing his mother that he fucking misses her."

"It's not that easy, you know." She drinks from a mug of Jasmine tea, throwing an inscrutable look your way. "Dave has always had a less complicated relationship with Mom. Naturally, people who are used to a certain kind of abuse tend to latch onto people who are even slightly better than what they are used to. He didn't experience the mother I was raised with, frankly."

She pauses, runs a finger down the frame of one of the photos. "It's hard to express… how much I love her, but how much she's hurt me. Whether she intended to or not."

"Right." You lean over your knees, holding your chin with your right hand. "Yeah, that makes sense. I know."

"Well… at the very least she dumped that ridiculous doctor." She turns back to face you, smiling in a forced way. "You didn't have a mother, correct? You've never mentioned one before, so I've assumed she's dead."

"What? No, she's fine. Probably." You lean back into the couch cushions. "We aren't close. She got remarried, and I have two sisters."

"You do???" She looks genuinely shocked, so you guess Kanaya has never mentioned this. Then again, you're not sure why she would.

You shrug. "Yeah, I'm friends with them. Sort of. Dad had left mom when we were born, and they stopped talking that much but she paid child support. She's visited, I've always liked her a lot." You don't mention your sister's names. It would be weird; you all rarely acknowledge that you're related.

Rose is quiet, which you dislike. Eventually she says "How very interesting that you've never mentioned this," and sits across from you in one of the armchairs.

"Roooooose~" calls your mother in law, whose shoes click-clack on the wooden floor as she enters in from the hallway. "Oh hello Karkat! Dave must be here then-"

"Kitchen." You tell her, but she sits down next to you anyway.

"Gosh you look lovely today! Love what you've done with your hair."

"Thanks." You grit out and attempt to move away from her as she tries to comb through your newly white curls. "I ran out of dye, and the black washed out. Dave said it looked nice."

"It does! But we both have always liked platinum, obviously." Roxy picks up her 'knitting' and resumes her clunky attempt at a scarf.

"Mom, your stitches are too tight." Rose gets up and sits on the other side of her, pushing you to the corner of the sofa. You close your eyes.

It's been awhile since you've called your dad. You should probably do that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started updating a new fic recently and I accidentally clicked new chapter for that instead of this one. 😬 I'm not gonna update it again till I get this one done, though. I just needed to get the first couple chapters of that one out of my system. It literally isn't even titled yet. I was gonna do a different fic for the one after this, Cinderella themed, but my brain decided it wants to go in the normal AU direction again. I might do the Cinderella one too though? Who knows.
> 
> I once had an idea to write a fic of what davekat stans wanted most out of a davekat fic, but no one ever told me what they wanted most out of davekat fic. In the end, I write what I want most out of a davekat fic, and that's usually awkward dates and wearing cute clothes. I sleep great knowing Karkat is wearing a cute sweater somewhere and Dave owns cat ears.
> 
> This is SO rambly. It is four in the morning and I should be asleep. Goodnight!


	24. Just After New Years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last night I finished writing the second to last epilogue scene, and reading this one is really weird in comparison. This is epilogue four, I think? It appears there will be seven in total.
> 
> This one has mention of death by train, people being tied to train tracks, and that game of "who would you save," if that's what that game is called. I actually don't know. Also, Karlin Porche is not a real person, and if he is that isn't intentional.

"We should probably move into an actual house, or something. A condo. I don't know. You know Jade has a condo? It's not as bad as I thought it'd be. She holds whole fucking raves in there." Dave rocks in place, fiddling with his nails as usual. "I bet we could get a good price on a condo. Get out of this dump."

"This _dump_ is our _home_. What the _fuck_ are you talking about! You picked out the fucking thing!" You turn over to glare at him. "If you want to move out then why can't we get an actual house?"

Immediately Dave's face lights up, and he gets up onto his knees to animatedly tell you what his stupid idea is. "Ok, but see here's the genius part: there's only two of us, right? So we don't need all the space a house would have. But if we get a condo, then that's more space than what we currently have and it's not so big we'd feel sad and lonely sitting across from each other at the table."

"Why don't we just get a smaller house."

He frowns, but you see him at least try to consider that idea. "Well, the idea of 'smaller' is subjective, right? Like, a big house is smaller than a mansion. And houses come in a lot of different sizes, so I'm just saying it'd be easier to find a condo in a more standard size."

"Condos come in _standard sizes_??" You struggle not to laugh, and he blushes but keeps going.

"It's just more economical, babe. Less searching than we'd need to. Think about it."

"I want a house," you tell him decisively. 

He's quiet for a moment, staring at you with narrowed eyes. Finally he asks "what about a tiny house?"

"A what?"

"A tiny house. The small ones, like on main."

"That's even less room than we have now," you tell him, completely baffled. "Dave, what the hell."

He grins wide, and slowly makes his way down to your side of the bed. "Not even if you were with me? All cozy and squished up like that? Not a lot of room to go anywhere, we'd have to cuddle like all the time."

"That's so stupid," you sigh, but you cup his face and kiss him anyway.

"Karkat," he asks you between kisses, "would you- mmh- if you were directing a train, and I was tied to some train tracks but then a group of like six kids were also tied to some other train tracks, who would you save?"

You pause, and grimace. "The fuck?"

"Would you save me, or a group of like six children from being run over by a train. If you could only save one."

"What the fu- I'm stopping the train."

"Can't stop the train."

"I save the children. You're a grown adult man and there are six of them." You go back to kissing him and he makes a sad noise, but kisses you deeply before pulling back.

"What if I was tied to some train tracks but then also Senator Karlin Porche was tied to some train tracks, and you could only save one of us?"

"This is very strange bedroom talk. I would save you, but you rigged that one."

He smiles against your face. "Yeah, I know."

"But isn't that accidentally against your favor? You picked someone I hate, so that doesn't actually show how much I love you."

"... Fine, would you save me or-"

"Dave, this is stupid." You pull away, and push the mop of hair that's grown over his eyes from his face. "I'd take a damn bullet for you, obviously. We're never going to be in a situation like that. Do you doubt me?"

"Well, originally I said that cause I thought it'd be more amusing than it actually was, and now I'm getting increasingly worried about it."

You laugh, and he huffs but you pull him into your chest and pet him. "I love you, Dave."

"I love you too," he whines, muffled into your nightshirt.

"I don't want you to worry about whether I love you."

"I knooooow."

"And I want a house."

"Fuck you."


	25. Another Year Passes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey I just finished the draft of the last epilogue part, so here we go folks.
> 
> There will be another upload some time tomorrow (!!!).
> 
> I haven't read a lot of fic lately, so if anyone wants to recommend some new davekat fics in the comments that'd be really cool. You can plug your own work too.

"Uh, I mean I think that it's easy to read what the author values when you read a work. Not in like, the subject matter, but how they handle it. So like, when people read my work, I hope that they see not just the _bad boy goes good_ trope but why I wanted to explore that. And hopefully I, you know, did a good job at it. One of my inspirations as a teen was of course Austen, because her views are so apparent but also they reflect the values of her time. I hope that when my work is read, my views and the values of my time will also be reflected. It should show progress in the genre, hopefully."

"We all definitely see that, yeah." The moderator shuffles her notes, nerves evident through her body language. Unfortunately, Karkat looks the same. "Are there any other questions?"

The person next to you raises their hand, and she calls on them. "I am just wondering if Jason is based on anyone in particular. Like, you're married, is any of your work based on your experiences?"

"Uhhhhh…" Karkat stares at you, and you give him a smile and a very small wave. You try not to call attention to yourself at these events; it's not every day that Kat gets to have the spotlight. "Well, sure, the feeling of love is really complicated. So naturally that aspect is based on my own feelings. But the characters themselves- it's not really about me. When I write characters, the idea is how these people would react to the scenarios given, and those people aren't me. Some of them could be like me, in some ways, but they aren't me. So the short answer, I guess, is yes but also no?"

The audience gives a small chuckle, and your partner smiles. "It's weird, isn't it. I mean, I guess I could write about my husband eventually but I don't really have any plans to."

"How did you meet?" Asks someone in the back, and their smile falters.

"That's not really relevant to my works, honestly."

"Agreed." The moderator sits up straighter. "Anything else, related to mx. Vantas' books?"

* * *

You flip through the convention program book, while Kat groans into his hotel room pillow. "I did fucking terribly," he bitches. "'It shows progress, hopefully' what a load of bullshit."

"I think you did great, babe." You tell him honestly.

"I made all of that shit up. I just said a fuck ton of bullshit and everyone thought it was good for some reason."

You shrug. "So? That's life. My whole fucking career has been saying bullshit things and everyone going 'so true, can we be friends?'"

"God fucking forbid I be friends with any of these people. I'm not sure half of my fans even get what I'm trying to write, and _your_ fans are just hoping to vicariously live a fantasy where they're married to you through me."

"Which is obviously disgusting, since you're way hotter and funnier than me in general." You sigh, exaggeratedly. "People have no taste, I swear."

They scoff at you, but you can see them blushing and hiding a tiny, tiny smile into their pillow.

* * *

"- And the reviews have been amazing! Sure, some Twitter trolls hate it, but they always shut up when I start telling them what for." Kankri cheerfully downs a glass of iced tea, while you grin at him.

"Dad," says your husband, their face twisted into one of pained horror, "please tell me you aren't arguing about whether I'm a good author with random people on Twitter. You haven't even read the book. Please tell me you haven't read the book."

Apparently oblivious, Kankri continues to proudly hang off his child's arm. "Oh, well no I haven't. But your aunt and uncle did, and they loved it!"

"It was great. You have a really good sense of prose, Kar." Pipes up Karkat's aunt, who you fucking adore. She's in her fifties and decked out in a ridiculous amount of tattoos and piercings, and every time you talk to her she gives you new music and film recommendations. You have no idea how the fuck Kankri became friends with her.

"I liked the part where he hit his head on a table edge and got concussed. That was super funny." States Karkat's uncle, who you like a lot less.

Kat sighs wearily. "That wasn't supposed to be funny, that's a really dramatic fight scene that led to his hospitalization."

"Well _I_ thought it was funny."

"Hey," you hear, and you turn around to see June.

"Ah, fuck, gimme a sec." You whisper, before walking over to Kat and giving him a loud raspberry on his neck.

"AHHH WHAT FUCK!" He screams, and you give him a soft kiss on the cheek.

"Getting called over for a bit. Stay out of trouble, don't be mean to your dad."

"Yeah, Karkat." Kankri smiles up at him. "Don't be mean to me. I'm just a little guy. It's my birthday, I'm a little birthday boy. A tiny old man."

Karkat immediately starts being mean to his dad. "You are _not_ a birthday boy, and you are such a hypocrite! If I said that about you, you would have called me out for 'body shaming' or something. Even though we're the same height! But here you are doing it right now!"

"If I'm making fun of my own height then that's reclaiming."

"That's not how reclaiming works!" Kat puffs up, and you give him a single pat on the back before moving over to the other side of the hotel restaurant.

"Daaaaaaaave!" Vriska greets you, laughing jovially. She's dressed in some sort of blazer that you think has a blood stain on it, but it's hard to tell on black. Otherwise her outfit matches June's: torn up white t-shirt and scuffed up jeans.

June smiles, her huge white teeth on display. You immediately ruffle her hair, and she groans. "Hey, bro, knock that off what the hell."

"It's cool, I like the undercut." You sit next to TZ, who gives you a shark tooth grin. She's wearing a red suit and neon yellow crocs. So good.

"Been a while," she tells you and you smile even though she can't see it.

"Thanks for coming. I'm glad you… you know, wanted to support them."

"Thanks for having us!" June pipes up, even though you weren't talking to her. "It's not every day your friend releases a book. No, I am not counting Rose."

You nod. "Rose doesn't count for shit, that manic broad releases a new book every two minutes."

"She's pretty interesting, Lalonde." Vriska muses. "I miss her whining. It's been a while."

"I miss when I had peace and quiet," dramatically bemones Terezi. "Every time those three visit I have to listen to some ridiculous crap her editor pulled. She's always like 'hi, I'm Rose Lalonde. I'm a big genius who wants to be the next George R. R. Martin. The BBC made a miniseries out of one of my books. I'm a big fucking deal, and it's sooooooo exhausting.' Get real! Kanaya shows in Paris and Jade presented at TED the other day, but you never hear them brag about it."

June frowns. "I don't think she's _that_ bad."

"She's kind of that bad." Responds Vriska.

"Hey, that's my fucking sister bitch." You laugh. "She's fine, honestly. I'm glad that they get to be all famous and important while Karkat and I are like, you know, people who exist. Like sure, I've got fans but I'm nowhere near a Twitch partnership. And Kat's doing low-key literature conventions, not _Oprah_ or some shit."

"Yeah," June muses. "I'm always like, wishing I was famous but famous kind of sucks probably. I mean, I guess there's a reason dad decided not to make a big deal out of the heir-to-the-fortune thing."

"Ok, but fuck the Crocker Corp." Vriska turns to you, starry eyed. "Congrats to Karkat! I already congratulated them naturally, but good job supporting them! You know, I've always really liked that you two got together."

"Funny, you've never mentioned that." You snort.

"It's true! You know how I feel about Kat, if anyone had to date them I'm glad it was you."

Terezi sighs. "I'm kind of glad too. Yeah, it's weird as fuck that my ex decided to marry the guy that kept trying to get in my pants for years, but you work well together. And I think you've been good for him."

"He's been good for _me._ " You interject, but everyone ignores you.

"Hey, wasn't Eridan coming? Xer parent's are here and xe lives close by."

"Good question, it's only eight though. The night's young."

* * *

You hang off of Karkat's back, giggling as he tries to get the door to the room open again. You rest your cheek on his shoulder, while he swears at the damn keycard constantly buzzing, and you close your eyes.

Inside, he collapses on the bed and you take your suit off, starting with your tie. You loudly hum some sort of sexy strip tease music, and Kat laughs at you.

When you both actually get in bed it's around three in the morning. You cuddle up to him, and he pats your back absently.

"This was kind of fun." He tells you. "I mean, I thought it would suck more? I didn't want to 'talk to fans' or 'have a party with my dad and his awful friends,' but I actually am enjoying myself."

You kiss his cheek. "Awesome. I'm having a blast, personally. I love watching you do things and being celebrated. It's sick as hell."

"Sick as hell." He rolls his eyes. "Sure, it's fun watching me struggle to answer questions from some bright eyed teen who hasn't realized how boring I really am yet."

"It totally is. And you know why?" You grin as you kiss him between syllables, his face heating. "Be. Cause. I'm. Still. In. Love. With. You."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Breaking news: Dave Vantas believes his husband is "hotter" and "funnier than him." Our correspondent Mandy Donovan is on the scene.
> 
> Thanks Brad, I'm here with resident pretty boy and funnyman Dave Vantas who has repeatedly asserted that despite his own status and popularity among people who like blondes his husband is "way hotter and funnier" than he is. When I talked to Vantas this afternoon, he had this to say:
> 
> "Yeah, I just think everyone else is prejudiced towards people who aren't me, which is bullshit because I'm me and I think he's the best. Like, you think I'm hot? Well, you're right. But Karkat's hotter. He's got a fat ass and fluffy hair, what else could you want?? The only benefit there is to everyone thinking I'm better than Karkat is that it means less people want to fuck him, so I have him all to my- wait. Ok, maybe I shouldn't be sharing this forbidden Karkat-is-hot knowledge. Can I retract all this? Hello? I take it all back, don't think Karkat's hotter and funnier than me. Look, I can do a headstand. Look, I can- ow. Ok, I can't do a headstand. Uh, HEY LOOK OVER THERE-"
> 
> So, as you can see, there's a lot going on there.
> 
> Wow.
> 
> Yeah, we should probably just… move on now. Back to you, Brad.
> 
> Thanks Mandy. And now, the weather.


	26. Six Months Later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part, which is six out of seven, was originally planned just after I wrote Jade's OG memo. I was going to upload part seven tomorrow, but I'm not sure if it's ready so I'll probably delay it.
> 
> I'm not sure what all to write for content warnings here. Mentions of sexual harassment and general creepy behavior, and discussion of mental health and internet safety. The internet sensationalizes Dave's Reddit ad from the prologue, which is an obvious invasion of privacy and could probably trigger some people.
> 
> Like in the prologue, r/lonelyrightnow and now shipsubs are fake and if they ARE real (shouldn't be, I checked before using them) then they have no relation to this fic or it's contents. Twitter user redditships also has no relation to this fic and it's contents, obviously.

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

TA: Karkat!  
CG: MMH. WHAT.  
TA: fuck, are you there? Have you checked Twiitter?  
CG: NO?  
CG: I JUST WOKE UP.  
TA: ii2 Dave there?  
CG: WHY WOULDN'T HE BE HERE???  
CG: YEAH, DAVE IS HERE. HE'S RIGHT NEXT TO ME.  
TA: ii2 he awake.  
CG: NO.  
TA: ok.  
TA: don't freak out, whiich, ok that'2 2tupiid you're totally goiing two freak out.  
CG: …  
TA: here.  
TA: twit.ter/shipsubs/status/1470369258147036925?s=69  
CG: WHAT IS THIS??  
CG: *WHO* IS THIS???  
TA: 2hiip2ubs.  
TA: they're liike reddiit2hiip2, but by 2omeone wiith le22 moral2 who defiiniitely doe2n't feel bad hiittiing 2ome commentary 2treamer wiith remiinder2 of theiir low mental health day2 from over fiive year2 ago.  
CG: HOW DID THEY FIND THE POST??  
TA: iit'2 liiterally 2tiill on r/lonelyriightnow.  
TA: liike, your guy never took the fuckiing thiing down apparently.  
TA: and regardless, you know Reddiit ii2 archiived riight? Nothiing from the iinternet ii2 ever truly deleted, you just have two hope that you're unknown enough that no one want2 two diig up any diirt.  
CG: FUCK.  
TA: al2o, iit wa2 a 2ubmii22iion by 2omeone who had piic2 of hiim.  
CG: WHAT?!  
TA: yeah.  
TA: 2omeone named que2tiionablePiiercer. He ha2 eviidence that he wa2 goiing two be  
TA: what iis thii2?? 2ome 2ort of 2ugar daddy??  
CG: IT'S JUST A BOYFRIEND, NOT A SUGAR DADDY!  
TA: riight, ok.  
TA: he never 2ent nudes, thank fuck, ii wouldn't put iit pa2t thiis account two po2t them, but he ha2 proof of theiir DM2 and 2elfiies Dave 2ent hiim.  
CG: OH MY GOD.  
CG: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!  
TA: ii know thii2 2ucks, but ii 2aw iit beiing talked about on Reddiit and ii wanted you two hear iit from 2omeone who care2 and not the horde of people who are probably taggiing you on 2ociial mediia riight now.  
CG: NO, THANK YOU.  
CG: YOU'RE RIGHT, I DO. AND YOU'RE RIGHT, THIS SUCKS.  
TA: yeah.  
TA: ii'm really 2orry, and ii extend that two Dave, regardle22 of how ii feel about hiim.  
CG: HE'LL APPRECIATE IT.  
TA: riight.  
TA: ii have questiion2 though.  
CG: YEAH, FINE.  
CG: WE'LL PROBABLY BE ANSWERING THEM A LOT.  
TA: ii2 thii2 the danger Eriidan mentiioned.  
CG: WHAT?  
CG: DANGER??  
TA: when you guy2 2tarted datiing, Eriidan 2aiid Dave wa2 iin danger and that that'2 why you a2ked hiim out.  
CG: HOLY SHIT, THAT WAS SO LONG AGO.  
CG: YEAH, IT WAS.  
TA: ii fiigured. The tiimeliine matche2.  
CG: I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO FALL INTO ANY TROUBLE.  
CG: IT'S ONE THING TO PUT OUT A DATING AD, BUT IT'S ANOTHER TO PUT OUT SOMETHING BEGGING FOR A BOYFRIEND AND OFFERING UP FREE NUDES IN EXCHANGE.  
CG: THAT'S LIABLE TO GET HIM TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF.  
TA: whiich ii2 not what you diid.  
CG: …  
TA: you diidn't hiit up Dave wiith the iintentiion of gettiing hii2 nude2 whiile he wa2 iin a vulnerable place.  
CG: SOLLUX, I AM GENUINELY INSULTED.  
CG: I HAVE LITERALLY NEVER SEEN DAVE'S NUDES, AND I AM MARRIED TO HIM.  
CG: I'VE SEEN HIM NAKED NEARLY EVERY DAY IN PERSON FOR SEVERAL YEARS AND I'VE NEVER SEEN HIS NUDES.  
CG: I'M NOT SURE IF HE HAS ANY, HONESTLY.  
CG: IF ANYTHING I REPEATEDLY DELAYED HIM TRYING TO BE SEXUAL WITH ME, AND WE KEPT HAVING NERVE WRACKING CONVERSATIONS ABOUT BOUNDARIES.  
CG: IT WAS TERRIBLE.  
TA: hey, you can't blame me for a2kiing.  
TA: you're my be2t friiend but that doe2n't mean ii know what you do out2iide of our friiend2hiip.  
TA: you thiink you know 2omeone, and then iit turn2 out they got together wiith theiir hu2band because he was offeriing free nude2 on Reddiit.  
TA: whiich ii genuiinely never thought you'd have the gut2 two ever me22age 2omeone about. On one hand ii'm liike 'what the fuck, he really deciided two me22age a guy he barely know2 two a2k hiim out after 2eeiing a really depre22ed po2t he made,' and on the other hand ii'm liike 'yeah, that 2ound2 liike Vanta2.'  
CG: FAIR ENOUGH, I GUESS.  
CG: I SHOULD PROBABLY WAKE HIM UP.  
TA: yeah.  
TA: agaiin, giive hiim my and AA'2 regard2.  
TA: thii2 2uck2 2hiit.  
CG: SURE.  
CG: THANKS SOLLUX.  
TA: yeah.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has ceased pestering twinArmageddons [TA] \--

"Dave!"

You crack open your eyes, the face of a very frantic angel staring down at you. "Mornin'."

"Dave, questionablePiercer posted pictures of you along with your old Reddit ad on Twitter."

You bolt upright. " _What?!_ "

"I'm really sorry, I couldn't think of a better way to put it." Karkat's hair is everywhere, and he's pulling on the strings of his nightgown to keep his hands busy. "I haven't really looked at any of the responses, I only know because Sollux told me."

"It's fine, maybe no one's noticed." Groaning, you reach over and grab your phone from your bedside. You tap the screen, and are greeted with 347 notifications. "Never mind, everyone's noticed. Fuck."

"What'll we do? I'm so sorry. This is obviously a huge invasion of privacy." Their eyes have gotten glassy, and despite whatever you feel (how do you feel? You feel numb) you grab hold of them and hug them to your chest. They squeeze you as you read through your Twitter feed, not even opening your pesterchum.

The reaction is largely sympathy. Well, that's good. A bunch of your viewers are harassing the original poster in the comments. That's less good. "What the fuck do I say about this."

"How should I know?!"

"Because you're the writer, babe." You open up your notes app. "Should I even say anything? I could just not say anything. But maybe I'll have to address it on stream? Should I address it on stream and put out a physical statement, or I should I just address it on stream. The viewers will ask."

They're quiet for a moment. "Make an official Twitter statement, especially towards your viewers so that they'll stop harassing the account who posted it. Then talk about it on stream."

"Could you do the stream with me?"

They bite the inside of their cheek. "I guess."

"I know you don't like to."

"It's fine, I should be there for you. You shouldn't have to go through something like that alone."

You smile, squeezing him a little tighter.

* * *

DAVE: i already posted about this on twitter and shipsubs agreed to take the post down  
DAVE: i want to stress that harassing shipsubs was really unwarranted and i dont want my viewers to go after anyone who posts about me even if its negative  
DAVE: because it could really be counterproductive even if you all have good intentions  
DAVE: that all said i wanted to address the post on stream

You squeeze Karkat's hand, and they look extremely uncomfortable in your webcam.

DAVE: years ago i was really depressed and thought i would be better off if i had a boyfriend so i wrote this post on a subreddit which wasn't really a good idea for a lot of reasons  
DAVE: this is embarrassing but i want transparency so im going to read it and-  
DAVE: oh hey june and rose are in the chat hey guys  
DAVE: uh im going to read this and then break down what I experienced  
DAVE: … and jade is here hi jade

You read your original Reddit post out loud, a humiliating feat frankly. You didn't remember it being this bad. Thankfully, the moderators have since locked the post once they saw the influx of new comments.

DAVE: so next-

You briefly glance at the chat, which speeds along wildly. You see "so true" and "mood" and "can I have your nudes."

DAVE: so next i posted that and i got a couple of responses.  
DAVE: one of them was questionablepiercer who submitted the post and the selfies i sent him to shipsubs  
DAVE: i wish he hadnt done that but its a good example of why i shouldnt have posted that  
DAVE: i didnt know who i was going to be talking to and i didnt use proper precaution  
DAVE: the person who actually talked me out of continuing with qp was karkat who really helped me back then  
DAVE: this was definitely for the best because qp actually said some really awful things about me in our dms  
DAVE: he was really mad that i ghosted him after he said some creep shit  
DAVE: im not sure what he gained from sending those screenshots but i hope hes satisfied now i guess  
DAVE: any questions  
DAVE: milkshakesskysail asks does Karkat have anything to say  
DAVE: well  
KARKAT: I SAW THE AD BACK THEN AND I GOT REALLY WORRIED ABOUT HIM, SO WE STARTED TALKING AND I TRIED TO KEEP HIM FROM DOING ANYTHING STUPID.  
KARKAT: I'VE SAID BEFORE THAT WE KNEW EACH OTHER WHEN WE WERE KIDS, BUT WE DIDN'T KNOW EACH OTHER VERY WELL.  
KARKAT: I JUST KEPT THINKING THAT THIS SORT OF ADVERTISEMENT IS GONNA GET HIM KILLED, OR WORSE.  
DAVE: you wanted to help  
KARKAT: I WANTED TO HELP.  
DAVE: i wanna elaborate on that actually  
DAVE: i learned a lot about myself through this experience  
DAVE: i wouldnt agree with my own actions of actually posting that  
DAVE: and actually i dont wanna see anyone defending it either because while i dont think this is a bad thing like im not a bad person for writing out a sad dating ad  
DAVE: but because it actually is dangerous and i dont want anyone thinking that it was a good idea for me to do that and then maybe replicating it  
DAVE: hold on i need to think about how to phrase this  
DAVE: …  
KARKAT: …  
DAVE: ok so theres nothing wrong at all with posting a dating ad to reddit  
DAVE: its about as risky as having an okcupid or a grindr or whatever it is people use  
DAVE: actually now that i think about it i should have gotten a grindr or tinder or something  
KARKAT: YEAH, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A BETTER IDEA.  
DAVE: but reddit isnt bad  
DAVE: here are the things i want to address  
DAVE: first of all you should not send people nudes in general  
DAVE: they almost definitely will be spread around  
DAVE: this wasnt sex work like at all but sex work is a really dangerous line of work for partly this reason and people who do it usually have a ton of precautions that i did not have any plans to take  
DAVE: and lack of actual preparation is why its good karkat talked me out of sending nudes at all  
KARKAT: RIGHT. BECAUSE REVENGE PORN.  
DAVE: right exactly  
DAVE: revenge porn is when people post or send someone elses nudes or sex tapes without the other persons consent  
DAVE: its actually illegal  
DAVE: but thats the main reason what i was proposing was dangerous and what karkat kept warning me about  
DAVE: the other thing is the  
DAVE: i dont want to say desperation  
DAVE: theres nothing really wrong with being vulnerable but you cant be vulnerable to just everyone especially if you dont know who they are  
DAVE: and i was asking to meet just anyone i definitely didnt know who they are  
DAVE: are you guys all following  
DAVE: …  
DAVE: and theres also a pretty obvious consequence that is worth mentioning which is that i did meet someone who spread my ad for some reason  
DAVE: maybe its cause hes unsatisfied with how i ghosted him or something  
DAVE: who knows  
DAVE: but the point is that i did trust someone i didnt know when i posted something really vulnerable publically and then that person did in fact use it against me later  
DAVE: years later  
DAVE: its been over five years  
DAVE: so yeah it did work out but also there were consequences  
DAVE: oh my god  
KARKAT: HOLY FUCK.  
DAVE: ok swearing is banned now my moms is the chat what the fuck  
KARKAT: HI, ROXY.  
DAVE: mom stop  
DAVE: mom stop!!!  
DAVE: thanks mom  
DAVE: everyone be nice to my mom  
KARKAT: SOMEONE IN THE COMMENTS, I THINK GOOSESELECTION?  
KARKAT: JUST MADE A POINT I THINK IS REALLY GOOD, WHICH IS THAT IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE VICTIM BLAMING YOURSELF, DAVE.  
DAVE: ok its not totally my fault i get that  
DAVE: my personal stuff shouldnt be spread but also what was spread was some selfies i took and information that i posted publicly  
DAVE: so yeah thats skeezy as fuck and i do feel victimized but also im trying to give everyone a cautionary tale here  
DAVE: because yeah someone else called attention to it but its also information i put out publicly for everyone to see and theres no reason i cant tell you all why i regret posting it  
DAVE: because i do  
DAVE: i like the way my life turned out but if i could have gotten here without putting that online i would go back in time in a heartbeat  
DAVE: i had a lot of uh  
DAVE: sexual harassment in my dms and my pesterchum messages from people when i posted that  
KARKAT: YOU DID?  
DAVE: yeah i still have those somewhere  
DAVE: at the bottom of my pesterlogs  
KARKAT: I HAD NO IDEA. I'M SORRY.  
DAVE: not your fault  
DAVE: uhhh user joggerforth asks why i didnt bother deleting the post  
DAVE: thats a really good question  
DAVE: i got a lot of harassment from it but also hm  
DAVE: i was really depressed at the time and i guess i kind of thought i deserved it  
DAVE: like i wanted to know what people would say about me so i left it up  
KARKAT: …  
DAVE: thats really uh  
DAVE: not healthy  
DAVE: and people stopped responding to it after a couple of months so i actually did forget it was up  
KARKAT: I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS THAT BAD FOR YOU.  
DAVE: i didnt-  
DAVE: i didnt really tell you anything about that  
DAVE: you were doing a lot for me at the time and i didnt want you to know too much about how bad i had it especially cause like  
DAVE: i mean you also had it bad  
KARKAT: I DID, YES.  
DAVE: for the record im on antidepressants everyone i got them a few years back  
KARKAT: SO AM I.  
KARKAT: WE COULD RECOMMEND THERAPY AND MEDICATION AND STUFF, AND WE SHOULD, BUT ALSO THERE'S MORE TO CONSIDER WITH THAT ONE.  
KARKAT: LIKE THE HEALTHCARE SYSTEM IN THE US-  
DAVE: its really fucking bad  
KARKAT: IT'S FUCKING TERRIBLE.  
KARKAT: WE'RE REALLY LUCKY.  
KARKAT: SO WE CAN RECOMMEND THOSE, BUT THEY AREN'T GUARANTEED.  
DAVE: well nothings ever really guaranteed  
DAVE: actually i want to talk about you and i talking back then  
DAVE: because at the time i wrote that ad i was really depressed and i didnt tell anyone  
DAVE: i thought like my loneliness was something id have to handle by myself and i didnt want to worry my friends  
DAVE: its a long story i had a fucked up childhood  
KARKAT: HE REALLY DID.  
DAVE: but not only did that backfire and just made my friends more scared for me  
DAVE: but also  
DAVE: i guess one of the things i learned was that you cant just write people off entirely  
DAVE: like i thought i was alone but i wasnt and karkat sort of pushed me into talking to people more  
DAVE: and with karkat i also had like  
DAVE: i thought i knew him and specifically i thought he didnt like me at the time  
DAVE: and i shouldnt have assumed that  
DAVE: because you dont really know people  
DAVE: especially if you dont talk to them or treat them with respect when you do  
DAVE: but karkat did and now were married  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
DAVE: love you by the way  
KARKAT: LOVE YOU TOO.  
DAVE: so yeah  
DAVE: thats a lot  
DAVE: i also talked to the mods of the sub btw and theyre gonna be banning personal information in posts  
DAVE: including taking down mine but its archived as per everything on the internet im sure  
DAVE: theyre also contemplating banning dating ads  
DAVE: since that usually includes personal info  
DAVE: really its more of a sub for venting so i was sort of an anomaly  
KARKAT: VENTING. THAT'S THE WORD.  
KARKAT: DATING ADS SHOULDN'T BE VENT POSTS.  
DAVE: yes thats it  
DAVE: dating ads shouldnt be vent posts  
DAVE: theres nothing wrong with saying youre lonely but like  
DAVE: if youre venting you could be really easily providing information that could be used against you  
DAVE: like usually someone venting doesnt have their safety in mind  
DAVE: and seriously thank fuck this dude didnt have anything more dangerous on me  
DAVE: you could use the subreddit as a vent though like theyre supposed to be used  
DAVE: or you could actually write an ad like i did and not post it  
KARKAT: LIKE A DIARY ENTRY, SORT OF.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: just get it out  
DAVE: but you gotta reach out to people you know and not hide away  
DAVE: and i know what youre thinking youre sitting there like but dave i dont have any friends  
DAVE: see literally right there i can see like six of you just said that  
DAVE: but people arent lonely forever  
DAVE: things seem like theyre taking forever but life actually goes by really quickly and you will meet people even if you dont think you will  
DAVE: every day is a day where something happens to you that youve never felt said thought or done  
DAVE: its entirely new  
DAVE: it may have happened to others but every minute is the oldest youve ever been and you cant really see past that because youve never gone that far ahead  
DAVE: im lost track of where im going with this  
KARKAT: PEOPLE TALK A LOT ABOUT SOULMATES, BUT NOT ENOUGH ABOUT FRIENDS.  
KARKAT: AND FRIENDS LEAD TO RELATIONSHIPS!  
KARKAT: SO THAT'S PROBABLY THE EASIEST WAY TO MEET SOULMATES ANYWAY.  
DAVE: ok youve definitely lost track  
KARKAT: THERE'S FRIENDS OUT THERE.  
KARKAT: AND YOU AREN'T ALONE IN THE WORLD.  
DAVE: right  
KARKAT: IT'S PART OF GROWING UP.  
DAVE: its part of growing up  
DAVE: despite the fact that i wrote that at twenty four  
KARKAT: PEOPLE DON'T REALLY STOP GROWING.  
KARKAT: AND TWENTY FOUR SEEMS SO OLD, BUT THEN YOU GET TO THIRTY AND YOU'RE LIKE "THAT'S ALL??? TWENTY FOUR??? THAT'S NOTHING."  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: im going to read some comments now  
DAVE: and then i might end this because ive had a really exhausting day and i love you guys but im really drained  
DAVE: and i kind of feel shitty about my past actions  
KARKAT: THINGS TURNED OUT OK, THOUGH.  
DAVE: things turned out ok though  
DAVE: …  
DAVE: thanks mom love you too

* * *

"You lied to me."

"About what?"

You're lying on the couch, just finished _Princess Bride_ again. Kat is clutching the front of your shirt, huddled under a huge plush blanket your mom knitted you a while back. They stare up at you with wide eyes. "You told me no one but me answered your ad. You lied to me."

"I didn't want to worry you." You lie again, but they don't take it.

"No, you had another reason. You didn't say, 'I've gotten some responses but I'm uninterested,' you said 'I didn't get any other responses." They narrow their eyes at you. "Why."

You think for a minute, weighing your options. You decide to tell the truth.

"I wanted to get to know you. I could talk to some strangers who called my eyes exotic and told me they'd put my selfies in cum jars, or I could talk to the guy I thought hated me but seemed to genuinely want to help. And…" you close your eyes. "You know I felt unsatisfied about how I used to treat you. You gave me a chance to fix that. And I'm glad I did. If I had the option to go back and erase the post and still have my life like this I would, but I wouldn't if I couldn't be with you again. I'd probably do anything if it ensured I was right here exactly like this again."

He's quiet. Eventually he sits up, and when you open your eyes he's wiping at his. You quickly get up and hug him, kissing the top of his head, and he cries into your neck.

"Are you ok?" You ask him, and you feel him nod.

"Yeah." He sniffs a little. "Yeah, we're ok."


End file.
